Halfway To Total Failure
Posting to the blog is often done in stages, and the reasons for saving the posts instead of publishing them straight away varies. Some of them I'm just not satisfied with, other times I'm simply too much of a coward.
Yesterday I started on this one, just to let you know I'm a failure, as I didn't manage that assignment due tomorrow. But I wasn't at all pleased with it, so I didn't post it. Just as well, I think.
Still not pleased, but since yesterday I've got some valuable advice, which put this in another perpective.
I'm not a failure just because I fail an exam. Have to hold on to that thought...
17 comments:
Failure??? It's easy to be objective about the whole thing when you're not the one standing with the exam in your hand! Is there ever really a failure or just a bump in the road to your goal? The exam is NOT you or the success you have and will have in life. Disappointing, yes, but possibly the way we come away from this experience speaks louder than the number at the top of the exam.
Just a thought or two from someone who is currently contemplating the meaning of life....
Thank you so much, Deb. It's very reassuring to get such intelligent advice and positive feedback. And especially from people who knows what they're talking about.
What happened with this exam was an utter and complete block, just couldn't produce a single word. I think I've been struck with an acute and nasty (but hopefully temporary) dyslexia attack, 'cause I can't read either...
Hey, I've been there! ;) Sometimes I think we need to back up for a moment and just breathe. I've had very bad situations where I struggle and just never seem to "get it" only to go back days or months or even years later and wonder, in absolute amazement, why I couldn't grasp it the first time around! I'm beginning to think there are times in our lives where we're just not at the level or stage to understand. This doesn't help much when you're in the middle of a program of study and it's something you have to complete! I'll keep my fingers and toes crossed that this temporary glitch or hick-up will pass quickly!
In a way I feel I've been struggling like this a little too often! The thing is that it's not the studies in themselves (though you've probably guessed that already), but an overall "chaotic" state of mind that's restraining me and effects my academic life. (Just imagine a flat barely big enough for two, totally occupied by two more? No doubt I adore my kids, but it's kinda crowded, so to speak. Suitcases, socks, computers, dishes, laaaate nights, wet towels... I'd love to be more of a mum than I am now, but who's there to take care of me?)
Maybe lobotomy is the answer?
Ah, yes, well, although I can relate to the chaos and family AND doing it all yourself....I haven't found a solution for the constant struggle! For me, it's the guilt. I'm not super mom anymore, I'm not there 24 hours a day with complete and undivided attention. I'm not at school volunteering hour upon hour. I don't quite have the patience to help with homework (especially when my own is sitting there waiting and I'm wondering how I'll ever make that deadline). I remind myself (constantly) I need to look after, take care of and be kind to ME but some other crisis hits and that philosophy jumps out the window.
I have started to give my daughter a number of little chores she can take care of and be responsible for. Even just cleaning up after herself has been extremely helpful. Every evening before bed all the socks and toys and "things" are cleaned up and put away - it can be a struggle to insist on it, but then I have the peace of mind to just sit and do my work rather than looking around finding a list of house chores that need to be wrapped up. It's a suggestion anyway. When I find that magic solution I'll certainly pass is on!
Now these youngsters aren't that tiny any longer. 19 and 21 to be precise, and should be able to do things without being asked. And don't get me wrong; they're doing their best, but the flat simply isn't built for that many people.
I'm also very used to have my private space, which now is limited to my bed. In fact I'm seriously thinking of not getting out of it tomorrow... Of course my oldest daughter is struggling too, as her life situation suddenly turned upside down. (Hence she's living with me...) And for my son? I think he just enjoys the company, for some strange reason. I sure don't feel that nice.
And get this - their father has a whole house standing there empty while he's in Canada! Sorry, that wasn't nice. Got a little carried away and forgot for a second that this is a public arena. But you know what I mean.
But I think all this shows how traumatic a divorce can be, even if the kids are big when it happens. 15 and 17 are not that much, and besides, they have longer time spent with both parents together than the smaller ones. It really is a hard process, and it does take time to heal. But we'll get there in the end, right?
Oh my God the conversations and trauma that has been going on while I'm basking away in my own world of work and carrier. I'm so so sorry!! How are you now, my friend?? Life is a struggle even at the best of times, but I do agree with you, Karin, you've been climbing up hill far TOO long!! I wish I had a magic wand that could make you feel better about yourself and your life!!!!!
I'm dropping by for lunch tomorrow, are you up there at Hønsehaugen???
Hang in there, and think positive thoughts!!
I'll be there! I can certainly need a hug and a friendly chat.
Do ask for that too often, maybe? I'm afraid I sound both needy and whiny. And that's not the impression I want people to have about me. But I can already hear the answer - stop whining then! He, he. I'm so silly...)
(First words to be read as Renè's line in "Allo`..allo`".
"YOU STUPID WOMAN...."
Of course you're not a failure just because of a failed exam. When you are climbing up hills - steep or not - you are bound to slip a bit from time to time. You have already shown, on several occasions, that you are able to get back on your feet again after you fall.
Success is only dependant on issue; To always stand up one more time than you fall.
Hang in there girl.
Thanks. Though I'm afraid I fell harder this time than ever before. Or maybe I just didn't allow myself to feel the pain on previous occasions and got up too quickly?
But I will stand up again. Might just need some time...
I'm back! I dropped out of the conversation quite abruptly and never quite had the chance to get back to the computer.
Divorce can certainly throw kids off (as well as adults), sounds like they just enjoy and need the security of Mom's house. Although that doesn't leave much time and space for you now does it???!!! Hang in there, it gets better, maybe just a moment at a time, but grab those moments and hang on! Vent if you need to, public place or not; sometimes the frustration just gets to be too much.
I hope you had the chance to get together for lunch and have a good chat, a hug or two and some much needed adult conversation! :)
That's OK, I know how it is.
And yes, Toril dropped by for lunch, very nice. She's been reading Synnøve's Master paper, and I think the general plan was for them to discuss that over the lunch. But as I kinda cracked there and then my tears spoiled that a little. Have the feeling I'm excused though. Good friends indeed.
So here I am, with much time on my hands, which I intend to use wisely. Walks and talks, sewing and baking, and I'm also seeing a friend who's a ceramist, and I'll do some pottery with her. Or maybe just tamper with the clay...
Another plus is that I'm for the first time able to take part in the preparation for the annual Christmas fair at my daughter's school. Her class is responsible for the "Silent Café", a sort of upscale serene place where the cakes are supposed to look (and taste) like they're coming from the confectioner's. That's obviously not something all parents can do, but when I last year tasted a very sticky chocolate cake with flour lumps in it, that really made me embarrassed on behalf of the school. And then I thought (knowing it was our turn next year) that what a pity I wouldn't have time to to contribute that much, seeing myself hovering over books and papers.
But now I can really put an effort in to it, and I'm looking forward to the whole thing. I know it's not nice to brag, but I'm quite capable around the kitchen, and I bake fabulous cakes I must say. I just haven't had the time lately. Or the inspiration, or the company...
This'll do me good if I handle it correctly, and importantly - learn to be nice to myself.
Sounds wonderful! I know I've been feeling like a neglectful Mom because I haven't been able to help out at my daughter's school. I'm sure you'll have a wonderful time and your daughter will appreciate having you around. :) It will be a great time for you, you can do something you want and show the world there are many things in life you're really good at!
Good to hear you had your lunch date. Going off the deep end is allowed....we've all been there at leastonce in our lives! ;) I'm sure no one minded at all!
Thanks, again.
Very symbolic maybe, but these past days Bergen's really shown off and given the expression "when it rains it pours" a whole new meaning. This town is known for heavy rainfall, and yesterday an astonishing 37,9 mm fell in the course of 3 hours! Not to mention all the rain that fell during the rest of the day... It was chaos everywhere, floods, and traffic jams.
Today there's a bit of sunshine...
Karin, I didn't even notice the rain... When Geir called to say he had delayed going home due to caotic road conditions I didn't even realize it rained outside. Now that's scary!!!
Yes, you are a wonderful cook, and make the most delicious cakes as all of us Master students have tasted by now. I was wondering if I could come with you to the Christmas Fair?? Haven't had time to attend one in many years due to the university, and I suppose other priorities... Wouldn't it be nice if Deb came along with us?? We'll certainly keep her with us in spirits!!! She is also a fabulous cook, by the way. In fact, one of the very best I've ever met!!
Keep smiling :) and stay in touch! Drag me out of here occasionally!!
You still there? Naughty girl, cheating on Geir like that. No, I'm just kidding, you know that.
I've just written a post about stress, and I think what you're doing now is a good example of my opinion. You're not staying late at your work 'cause you're stressed, right? You got the job 'cause you're qualified, and now you're just having a ball trying to get the hang of it.
And I'd love to see you at the fair, last weekend of November it is. Anne is singing too; she really got a fantastic voice that little rascal. She's performing "When You're Good to Mama" from Chicago, and I know already now how proud I'll be on that day. Hope you can make it.
Not Fair, NOT FAIR, NOT FAIR!!!! ;) I suppose missing out on Christmas fairs and children singing will have to be my incentive to stay the course and get this wrapped up so I can make the one in 2009!
Post a Comment