Minor Mode

See you in the blogosphere, she said. Toril somehow seemed to expect that I'd have time to blog in the midst of writing my exam. Silly girl! Of course I don't have time for that, as it is now I'd need to write continuously for the remaining week in order to have even a remote chance of finishing this. So why do I blog now, having said that?

Simple - I just need to get my fingers started! I'm starting to panic, and it ain't funny. The problem though is that everyone else seem to have an unlimited faith in my abilities, and whenever I express my worries the answer is: "Nah, you'll fix it. You always do." Well, the point here isn't to prove anyone wrong, that would be downright stupid, but I just need to whine a little. Get it off my chest, so to speak. So anyone who won't care for listening to my jeremiad, I recommend you to skip the next paragraph. Once I've sung out I'll be in a better mood. Here it goes; in B minor:

I'm sitting here in the dark. Alone. Everyone else is having a good time, preparing for advent with their loved ones. The reality of the consequences of the choices I've made this fall is hitting me hard. And I want to cry. Is this all I ever be? The one who falls on the finishing line? While the rest pass me by, including life itself. Now I do cry, stupid idea to strike a chord at this moment. Emotional miserable wretch, I am. But this is just a job that's need to get done, right? And one way of motivate yourself for doing tedious tasks is to set up a reward for yourself. "When you're done, you can do that thing you've been wanting to do for so long." Yes, motivation is a keyword (which actually might be useful in my paper as well), but what if the thing I want is beyond my control to get? No shoes will make me happy now. Nor any other materialistic symbols, for that matter. Another way of motivating yourself, and perhaps even a better one, is to visualize yourself at the other end; after the work is done, and you've accomplished what you were set up to do. But not even that is helping me, 'cause I really can't see what I'm supposed to be doing then! And where should I be? "Move home, Karin." some people say, while other say "Stay here." I've also heard: "Don't move there, at least." Like that was an option. OK, I'm done singing here - and I'm even further away from organizational culture than when I started this screed, and how to discuss possible actions and measures leaders can take in order to ease the process of organization change and ensure optimal development, is an enigma to me. These discussions should also have an emphasis on how to counteract and manage conflicts and unwillingness to cooperate. Maybe I'm not so numb anyway - a consultant might be a good idea? Someone who can look at the organization with fresh and competent eyes, and set up a plan for the change? A consultant specialized in the field of implementation of strategies, team- and leader development, cultural building, management advice and such? I need a consultant myself, I think...



But aren't you a silly one? Didn't I just tell you not to read the previous paragraph? And yet you did... Don't say I didn't warn you, though. Also, just think of how little you had to read if you only had listened to my advice! How do you feel now?

I'm not crying anymore at least, and hopefully neither are you. So - you go back to whatever you were doing, and I'll just get going - period.

Secret Handshake

Fantastic week it has been, and as someone suggested today: "It seems like you're in a flow?". Well, he would know. ;) But do you know what flow is? According to Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi it's:

"Being completely involved in an activity for its own sake. The ego falls away. Time flies. Every action, movement, and thought follows inevitably from the previous one, like playing jazz. Your whole being is involved, and you're using your skills to the utmost."

Probably the closest I'll ever get to play jazz, but that's OK. I can settle for just listening to the real jazz. Anyway; flow it is, at the moment. But audacious as I am I'd also like to add something to the previous explanation: When I'm in a flow it's a very spiritual state I'm in, and it's like I can see all the connections. And everything is connected. I could certainly dig a whole lot deeper in to this, but I won't as it's not necessary for the time being. Think I'll just tell you about yesterday.'Cause even if you don't see the connections, I do.

A couple of weeks ago I got this mail from an old friend in Sweden. Personally I hadn't seen him for ages, but as he's a close friend of my brother's he's still present in my mind somehow. Well, he said he was coming to Bergen for a conference, and that if I had time for a cup of coffee that would be nice. Deal, I said, and numbers were exchanged. First we met on Wednesday for that coffee, but just a quick one, since he was to meet the rest of the participants for dinner. We chatted casually for half an hour or so, and decided that we'd meet the next day as well. That was yesterday.

The weather was quite miserable, snowing sideways as it was. But nothing a glass of beer couldn't cure. It was quite late already when I arrived in the city, and I also had to reach the 1 o'clock bus home, so we were very efficient and cut to the chase after only one drink. (He's a politician, probably used to make swift decisions...) Now, stop right there my friends, and shame on you! I think I know what you're thinking of! No, this was purely academical, no Hanky Panky, mind you. But somehow he must have sensed that we had more in common that was visible, and I wondered if I had it written on my forehead that my musical taste is somewhat peculiar? So instead of talking about that day's boring lectures about local government, we were soon deeply into intricate musings about jazz. Groovy, swinging jazz. How I love that.

When I got home I sat down in front of the computer and sent him the links I'd promised; the musical milieu here in Bergen is quite good, even if some parts are somewhat underground - almost unknown to the common people. For instance; I told him about that one special happening I went to last month, and that he and his wife would have loved to be there, soaking in all that beat. Foreign drums, and strange tones.

So maybe I'll have visitors here next year from my hometown? That would be so nice, and I could introduce them to some of my friends here. I even have friends who are playing themselves. Then we'd all go to concerts and explore the depths of the Norwegian musical scene together.

Britannia Hall

An Extended Gourmet Weekend

Been traveling again, and I came home late Tuesday night from a few wonderful days. Whereas I the first time didn't do much but simply letting myself be spoiled, this time I was far more active, and amongst other things I took charge of the cooking. Better do what one can do best, right?

On Saturday we went straight from the airport to a Ultra Supermarket, where we went kinda bonkers. We got a large Sushi platter for that first day (well, that didn't involve much cooking for me to be honest, but it was quick and easy, leaving more time for other important things - like getting me a haircut...) and Gorgonzola-filled beef, Amandine potatoes, pepper sauce and broccoli for the following day. As there were no proper frying pan in the flat we had to buy one, and I thoroughly enjoyed being in charge of that too, offering my advice on which quality to choose. Teflon or Titanium. This beef meal I prepared quite late in the evening on Sunday when I had the place to myself, and when my company was back we had a feast together. With more wine. (Maybe needless to say, but there was wine the previous day as well.)

Monday was work day, and again I was left alone for a few hours, and I had all intentions on reading about "100 years of leadership" or whatever the article was called. Found a nice warm place downstairs and curled up with my papers, but soon I fell asleep. That happens all the time when I stress about exams; I find reading acts like sleeping pills! Then a friend from Bergen called and I gave her a status update, which she was pleased to hear about. Everything's fine, was the bottom line. That days dinner was also my doing, and I served a pork tenderloin with more of those delicious potatoes and king oyster mushrooms. Half of the tenderloin was cooked as one piece in the oven, with the potatoes cut in quarters, coated with olive oil and spices. The other half was cut in slices, fried with onions, potatoes, paprika and mushrooms, and creamed together with Créme Fraîche. This was then seasoned with herbal salt. Wine? Of course. And some nice XO Cognac with the coffee afterward.

Last day of my stay we eventually did what we already talked about on Monday, and that was visiting the City and do some shopping. Somehow we didn't get round to it before that. Anyway, Tuesday afternoon I was relieved of my kitchen duties, and we drove downtown. I brought my bags all set to leave for the airport later, so we were quite relaxed. First a wood fired pizza at Tulla Fisher's, and then we just had to check out The Church of Our Lady before anything else! We hurried across the street in the pouring rain, and went inside the old building where a really special event will take place very soon. I'm not much of a churchgoer, but I do like the atmosphere in many of them, and this one fell nicely into that line.

From that holy building we rushed on to the next, where I was treated with a bottle of excellent Irish Whiskey, which I'll enjoy here at home with coffee and cream... and the coffee was bought at the next stop - half a kilo of the best Monsooned Malabar I was given! By now you wouldn't be surprised if I told you I got my own cow as well, to get the cream from? Nope, no cow here. But from all these wonderful gifts, including the shawl and necklace from Spain, I must say the most valuable one is priceless. Time, it is. All those hours spent in editing over 1500 favorite songs, and I was privileged enough to be aloud to download it all! That's one hell of a mixtape, I'd say.

Last stop was Britannia Hotel, and I got a quick but personal tour round the premises. From the beautiful Palmehaven and Hall of Mirrors (where my "tour guide" has been playing so many times...) to the Britannia Hall; a modernly equipped conference hall, decorated with Norway's third largest wall painting on canvas, painted by two of the most famous artists in Trondheim - Håkon Bleken and Håkon Gullvåg.

There were no time to check out the suites though (maybe another time), only a quick cup of coffee at the bar before I had to jump on the bus. And that I did at a quarter to six, more together than I've been in a long time. The key to this success, I believe, is that I've been working on my internal strength for most of the time (I've actually learned a new trick - very exciting!), and that there's learning in every meeting between people. No matter which way it goes.

Paralyzed Or Incited?

So, not much help to get from SIB. Went down to their office today just to see if there was any possible way to get round this dilemma. But no. As it looks now I have to move to the new flat as "ordered" in week 50, regardless of my student status next year. It means I might be staying in the new flat for only a month before I'll move again! But maybe this is just what I needed? The famous "kick in the butt" to finally do something? Instead of waiting for the right moment, maybe this is the time to do it anyway? (And how can I blame other people for not making their mind up, when I'm not exactly Mrs. Speedy Decisions myself? We just have different areas where we linger in indecisiveness...) You see, the new higher standard doesn't come for free, and the rent will increase by nearly 40 %! Which suddenly makes the student housing not so cheap anymore... If I still have to pay an extra 2000,- Nok per month, why don't I just get the h#*¤l out of here, and pay market price for a place where I can stay as long as I want?

Thinking this I had a quick look at finn.no to see what's for rent at the moment. Very saddening, I'd say. But more on a personal level, it has to do with my perception of myself. I don't wanna be that "40 something divorced single mum living in a rented basement flat". Silly I know, and it probably says more about me and my prejudices, than it says anything about all those other 40 something divorced single mums living in a rented basement flat...

Part of me really wants to do what my friend Hannah just did; get rid of almost everything and start over. Right now I'm leaning against giving notice here and see what happens. It all works out in the end, especially if you have faith. In yourself, that is.

Panic Attack!

Previous week I was thinking about how to write the next post, as I wasn't that inspired. Not that I have to write anything, but I thought I could angle the text towards the subject I'm studying, Organizational Psychology, and to be even more specific - Work Motivation. I figure the factors that motivate people to work are the same factors that motivate people to do just about anything. So I had an idea of dissecting Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs (even drew my own in PhotoShop), and relate that to my motivation for writing. Or lack of it.

I think I've said it before, but most of my thinking and writing is done when I'm under some sort of pressure, or have problems that need to be solved somehow. Frustration is a good source for creative thinking, at least that's how it works for me. So as I was quite content, I might even say happy, I didn't feel the urge to express myself verbally. But if I wait just long enough, something is bound to happen... And you know what? To no one's surprise it just did!

Currently I live in a flat in a Student Village. OK, but I'm only eligible to live here for as long as I'm a student. A status which I'm very uncertain about. If I decide to call it a quit after this semester and the Bachelor Degree I'll have to move out within two months after finishing it. If I on the other hand decide to keep on going for a Master as well, I could stay here while doing that. But that's not what's freaking me out right now. You see, they're rehabilitating these flats up here, and the process is done in stages. They finish like 6 or 7 at a time, and we "just" move once into a new apartment. I was hoping this whole thing would be delayed (as these things usually are...), so I'd be out of mine before I had to move permanently. But typically they're on time, and I'm supposed "make the switch" in week 50! If I only could move away from here for good, that would be great, but where should I go? Move home to mommy?

And if this wasn't bad enough, just to move I mean, that actual week is also next course weekend with the Angelos Method. Which by the way has turned out to be yet another "stress factor". In order to be approved, we have to complete 40 client sessions. Something I thought I could do "whenever"... Well, preferably rather sooner than later, but I didn't know there was a time limit. Actually there wasn't, but now there is. If I really want this, those 40 sessions have to be done by April. And I still don't know if that is what I should be doing... Do I have what it takes? The thing is I know I do, but at the moment I can't really feel it, and I'm afraid I'll just keep on waiting for too long for that magical epiphany to occur. Stupid really, when all I have to do is focus. I know my "powers", just have to trust them.

But somehow I know this will work out, 'cause it usually does. It's when I'm the most pressured the best results are coming, and the answers to all my questions have a tendency to reveal themselves when and where I lest expect them to. Also I'm flying up north next weekend, and that will most definitely help me relax and see straight. (Sorry Toril, I know that place isn't considered as North but it's certainly not South either. I just mean it's further north than Bergen, and even your hometown Ålesund! But we can discuss Norwegian geography over a glass of wine my friend. ;) The most important point is that I'm going, right?)

Exhausted now. Partly from this I just told you about, but there's more. My mother's birthday and secret arrangements... exams... sick children... Christmas fairs and baking... and more... and all of it at the same time more or less... But I have to make this clear: I'm not complaining to get sympathy! You don't have to feel sorry for me or anything. (If you want to help me carry my sofa to the next building though, that's another matter...) This is my way of dealing with it. When I write I get some sort of perspective, and I'm aware that you readers not necessarily perceive it the same way I do. That is if you're only a reader - people who actually talk to me get the whole picture. I hope.

My Mother's Work