Repayment Time
And I'm doing it gladly. I told you the other week about my friend who draw a few sketches of me and also "treats me like a princess"? It's quite remarkable that it's so hard simply being treated nicely without feeling guilty. But she has that quality, to give without expecting anything back, so with her I can practice being the receiver in a "secure environment". But as I said, I'm happy whenever I can help her, and tomorrow I'll have the chance as I got a car and she doesn't.
Things usually work out if you only relax and let go. But it's just so damn hard, anxious control freak as I am. Everyday is a challenge to find that inner peace, and trust that good things will come if I believe they will.
Some things are a bit difficult to discuss and write about, if you suspect that the listeners won't understand. Like meditation and healing. If you're not "in to it", every word might just sound very cliché. But I'll take my chances anyway, 'cause I think it's kinda interesting.
Last night me and my daughter went to a gathering in town, for a session of meditation and healing. No lengthy explanations are necessary, but afterwards my daughter said: "Mum, you have to stop rushing!" She had actually "seen" a very distinct aspect of me, but something no one has ever pointed out so precisely before. She had "seen" these fast forward arrows, you know, and she'd got that certain feeling that I was hardly ever present in the moment. She's almost 22 and she saw me, and I know she's right. I have lived with myself for over 40 years now, and I know the feeling. Most of the time I'm thinking ahead or away, even when I'm doing things I like. And I'm beginning to realize it's no wonder I'm tired.
I know how I want to be, but it's like a switch I can't find. I also know that it's possible, 'cause it wasn't long ago that I actually experienced it, if only for a short time. I know I shouldn't be dependent on having another person with me in order to find that inner peace, every book on the subject clearly states that, but I'm just saying that certain people makes me calmer and more grounded.
If you're only a random reader and don't know me in person, it might sound like I'm highly strung and very erratic, but I don't think that my restless soul is that evident on the outside. Think I "fool" people every day, right? The reason I chose to write about it now though, is that I have a very strong feeling it's extremely important for me to do something about it. If there's something to do?
The other thing my daughter "saw" was words, she got the feeling that there were too many words to fit inside my head, like I was exploding. And she's right there too, I just don't know yet how to let them out.
PS. After I published this post i was still thinking about it (not uncommon), and it struck me as funny that I used the analogy of the switch, considering the game I've been "addicted" to for a few weeks now. It's called Confuse Box, and the object is to connect up all wires and switch on all the lights. The lights and wires are all set in place, you only have to turn them into their right position. There's only one solution to each puzzle, and not until the last wire is set correctly you get the happy tune that tells the game is finished. Just how I feel. I know everything is there to hear the jingle, I just need to make the right connections.
6 comments:
Prøvd denne? iq bic.
http://www.gamesgames.com/game68757.html
Akk ja, håper vi kan ta en kaffe snart - vært lenge siden.
Ja, faktisk. Ganske kul den også.
Og kaffe hadde vært veldig hyggelig, men det må bli etter nyttår. Reiser på tirsdag og er hjemme igjen 4:e. En annen ting - jeg ble av med mobilen min for en stund siden, og med den ALLE telefonnummer. Sender du meg en melding sånn at jeg får nummeret ditt igjen?
Klem fra meg
Oj, mistet mobil er krise ja!
Jeg tatt back-up på nett etter at prøvde den..
Ha en avslappende og trivelig julefeiring, så snakkes vi over nyttår
:)
Sounds like you're making a lot of progress these days! Hard work, but definately worth it.
Your blog has really opened the door for me, I think I've finally been able to figure out why my daughter always tells me she misses me....when I'm sitting right beside her???? I think it's the same thing, always thinking 20 steps ahead or trying to sort some problem with my work - so technically I'm never really there. Smart kids! I never wanted my Mom involved in my life so it's all new and a bit odd for my child to WANT and NEED me to be a part of hers. We all have to learn and grow, however I would like a break from time to time! ;) Maybe I need to capitalize on those breaks more and actually take that time to rest!
Thank you, Deb! That sure was a nice compliment, and I'm glad if any of my words can be of some help. On that last sentence of your's: "take that time to rest..." I even have problems with that! When I decided to put off the exams for a semester, the plan was to rest, but even when trying to do that I'm somewhere else. .. Have a hunch though that I should explore the possibilities of meditation a little bit further.
It really is hard to actually stop and "be". I've been trying to meditate and relax the last couple of days - migraine time again. The left side of my back, neck, and head are a mess. It's been so many years since I meditated it was really hard and frankly I didn't get very far but I'll keep trying. I suppose the shut off button is stuck and needs a bit of effort to get it to work again. I will have some time over Christmas, I will take those moments to get some focus back.
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