A Suitcase Full Of Goodies...

... is what I'll bring with me, when I fly home tomorrow. A little something for everyone. My eldest daughter wanted some perfume, and although my son didn't ask for anything I know 10 cans of Swedish Snus (snuff) will be appreciated. (The poor soldier boy is short of money.) The youngest will get some sweets and instant cappuccino powder, but there'll still be one or two more things for me. And maybe even for someone else... Lamb sausage from the neighbor's farm, and from the shops - feta cheese filled olives, some Swedish cheese and a smoked leg of lamb. Booze and cigarettes. Sounds good? Ya da, ya da...

Don't know if I mentioned why I'm here in Sweden, but it's all due to the celebration of a 80's birthday. My mother decided to throw a surprise party for her partner, and boy was he surprised! After he was tricked into the premises where the party was going to be held, and after we'd sung the birthday song for him, someone standing next to me whispered: "When do you think he started to get the picture?" I laughed: "Well, look at him - I'm not sure he's got it yet!" The party was wonderful, nice food and nice drinks. And nice people of course.

Talking about nice people, the funniest thing happened on the way down here. First there's a 7 hour train ride to Oslo, a 30 minute wait, and then another 4 hours to Gothenburg. On that first distance the passengers usually are Norwegians, so the sound of a fellow Swedish really cuts through. Not that I cared that much, and he was sitting quite far away from me, but I presumed he was going to be on the next train as well. When the train arrived we were 15 minutes late so I ran as I quickly as I could, only stopping briefly to pick up a bottle of soda. I'd already found my seat and made my self comfortable when that Swedish guy appeared. Not only was he on the same train, and in the same coach - his seat was just right opposite mine! I'll make the story short here, but just say the reading and writing I was going to do never happened. You see, the funny thing wasn't that he was Swedish, I'm not that desperate to talk to other people. But as it turned out, we'd been going to the same school! He's two years older than me, and we have lots of people we know in common. And that's really funny, 'cause we didn't know each other. He knew them because he grew up in their neighborhood, and I knew them 'cause I started to hang with them as a teenager. Nice four hours.

Then on Saturday me and my father had to run an errand, he had something he needed to return to a store and was glad I was there to drive him. We entered the shop, and as the man my father was supposed to talk to was occupied, we were directed to some free coffee by another woman there. She looked at me intently, and said: "I'll just have to ask you - you really look like someone I went to school with. Karin? Isn't that right?" Of course it was; I wasn't a bit surprised, thinking of events of the previous day. Two in two days! And I've visited my "home country" several times a year for twenty years without that ever happen. So strange, and also it sort of gave me a rush. Cheap intoxication.

Oops, my mother's here to see how I'm doing. "Are you working, or having fun?" she asks, knowing what I should be doing. "I'm blogging", I answer her. But as fun as it is, I need to finish this; we're off to the town for a little concert. Then back here for some packing, a good nights sleep and then I'll be heading for the airport. Train down here is nice, I like the long trip, but when going home again I usually get a little impatient, and then flying is great. So, see you soon, amigos!

All My Dirty Secrets

To be honest I had no intentions of writing here today, but as it is I just needed to loosen up my fingers. Haven't been writing as much as I'd hoped during the holidays, except for a few cheeky text messages...

Will it change anything, will anyone think less of me if I admit I haven't done what I said I would? I feel I have this huge secret that will somehow blow right up into my face one day. Than I'll stand there stripped to the bone, without having accomplished anything at all. This I'm not telling you in order for you to contradict me, I'm not searching for flattery. I just need to say it out loud so I can hear for myself how ridiculous it sounds, 'cause deep down I think I know the truth. I'll be the same even if I "fail".

All in all it only fits so perfectly into my usual way of doing things. Backwards, counter currant, and rarely how you'd expect. Or maybe that's just how I see it, maybe I'm totally predictable? If so, could you please tell me what's next?

OK, I guess this'll have to do for finger gymnastics, as far blog writing goes anyway, and on to the task of deciphering the hacker spirit. If there is one. But at least there are some very important traits of the hacker mind that I could absolutely relate to.

The hacker mistrusts authority and judges others by their skills and "not by bogus criteria such as degrees, age, race, or position." Just my kind of thinking. You get my respect if you deserve it, disregarding what you are. I rather care about who you are. Of course sometimes there's a connection between those two, but that's another issue. Further, and maybe the most important aspect, is that the hacker urge for freedom; freedom in information and that "...anything which might teach you something about the way the world works – should be unlimited and total." Although many hackers, if not most, show little interest in politics, their thinking seem to remind that of a libertarian. I'd go with that.

Easter Coltsfoot

Happy Easter!

I wish you all a fabulous holiday, and hopefully the sun will shine on you all week long. This little easter bunny will be trying to get some long overdue writing done, but even if I'll be "trapped" in front of the screen a lot I will leave the station and get some sunshine myself. Or rain if that what it is. Fresh air at least.

So, relax and enjoy yourself. Eat plenty of eggs. Chocolate, marzipan or "real ones".

Clarity

Second course weekend with the Angelos Method this year is finished, and I'm a whole lot wiser. Again. And that's the beauty of it, realizing that you'll never be wise enough - there's always something new to learn about yourself, which also means learning something about all people.

This time it was especially hard, but considering the state I was in when I started Friday, anything would have been an improvement. It's "common knowledge" that what happens in your childhood will affect you as an adult, and we have no problem understanding why some people are troubled when we hear how they were abused or mistreated as children. We often pass on these patterns, and let's say a woman who grew up with a alcoholic father is more likely to attract a drinking husband to herself. OK, this is easy to get, but what about the "invisible" things that happen, or maybe the things that don't happen - the absence of things that might should have been there? When I think about my own childhood, it must have been what you might say a "happy" one. No abuse, no rows, and a mother and father whose love for me I never doubted. But for example; why did I have all these nightmares when I was a kid? Why do I do the things I do now? For all patterns that need to be altered, you have to first recognize them. You have to actually see what you're doing, before you can change anything. And you have to do that, not only for your own benefit, but mostly for your own children.

Without dwelling upon this any further, I'll just want say what I'm going to do. Take action. There were a few lessons for me this weekend, but the most important one was that I have to be clear. If I'm not, how can I expect anyone else to be? According to the Law of Attraction you'll get back what you radiate, as simple as that. If I waver, the people I relate to will too. My problem though, my pattern, was that I didn't think I was wavering. In my mind I feel I've made my intentions and wishes clear, but apparently not, I can see that now. In fear of being rejected or questioned I hedge my bets, and therefor add reservations to my needs and desires. And by a very misplaced "niceness", I'll somehow try to spare people from demands. But there's a huge difference between demanding and just be clear about your own wishes.

So, clarity it is. From now on I'll try to stand up for my self, and there's actually nothing to lose by that, is there?

Something's Cooking

Should I just take it back what I said yesterday? You see, I "asked" for something very simple just before i got to bed: "Please, let me at least have a fun dream tonight!". And I got it.

I know there was a lot going on in this dream (and maybe even things not suitable for public display, I can't recall all the details...), but the fun thing was I also dreamed about celebrity chef Jamie Oliver, and that we were having lunch while discussing cooking. Recipes on salad dressings, and whether Greek yogurt or sour cream was the best option for main ingredient. I felt rather confident in this dream and perfectly at level with Jamie himself. His wife was there too and I think I had an idea for them coming to Norway and open up a guest house or something like that.

In real life I have no intention (nor need) of competing with the professional chefs, but I do miss cooking for the people I care about. Having the time, energy and opportunity to do it. That's a simple thing to ask for, isn't it?

This Is (Not) My Life

It's so strange to see how my life looks right now, compared to what I had in mind. Or come to think of it, maybe that's the problem? Did I really have a clear view of what I wanted? Well, I sure as hell didn't picture this. Running around like a crazy cat, restless and alone. No, I have to be fair to myself - I did have plans, just that they didn't work out the way I wanted. That's OK, but I still want the same things, and sometimes now I feel sort of forced into trying to be someone I'm not. Academic, researcher, "doing a career"? I need to be practical, I have to be hands-on. I'm more satisfied when I have solved a problem. It seems like the simpler the things you want are, the harder they are to get? And what I want is actually so very simple...

Right now I feel like a broken record, going on and on about the same stuff, and I can't help but wonder for how long my friends will be able to take it? But I think the bottom line is that there are some aspects in my life now I didn't choose myself, I'm left with other people's decisions.

"...year after year...
...the same old fears..."

So what do you do with an old scratchy vinyl? Flip it and start listen to the B-side? I think a lot of people tend to consider the B-side of a single as a song not good enough for the album, and the mere sound of it actually underlines that idea. A is top degree, while B isn't the best. But in fact many B-sides have other purposes than being mere filling material. It could be a different version, like "live" or "remixed", or maybe in another language. And if the song yet hadn't been completed at the time of the album's release, one might want to place it on the B-side of the single. That B-side might then turn out to be the best song...

One Down - A Few More To Go

So - as of today I'm officially no longer a member of the board of the basketball club. It has actually been rewarding in many ways, but I simply don't have the energy to continue being the treasurer for them. We were four people who "signed off" tonight and we all got a very nice bouquet of tulips, but I'm pretty sure I was the only one thinking what I did...

Anyhow, when I left, one of the remaining members said to me: "Thank you for this time, and it has been good working with you!" Wow, that was a nice compliment, didn't think I made a difference. But it's probably a good idea for me starting to see what others apparently see, my self esteem could for sure be a little higher.

New Tool

I just corrected myself, the title read "New Toy" first, 'cause what I'm writing on at this moment isn't for play really, it's for work. But hopefully working now will be like playtime with my new machine. It's white, sleek, and in my opinion as sofisticated as a MacBook. However, without me having to convert to Mac which I have absolutely no interest in.

Nice little thing with a built-in webcam and preinstalled Skype. It still remains to be seen though if I ever get relaxed enough to actually have a live online conversation...