(Wo)man's Best Friend

"Two women sat at the coffee house, discussing life's bigger issues. One said: And you know what? I prefer dogs I think, over men. They're far better company to keep around. Actually performed an experiment yesterday, and locked them both out of the house. And when I opened the door this morning - guess who was happy to see me?"

Time For Laughs

In Sweden now, only for a short visit. I wasn't planning on doing any blogging until I got back, but I got a mail here which I just have to share with you. Well, not the actual mail, but the picture that came along with it.

This is supposedly taken outside Royal Hospital in Belfast where these guys are almost finished after a hard days work. They have just put up bollards to prevent the nurses (!?) from parking on the sidewalk. I'm not saying anything more, see for yourself...



And here's the caption from a gag cartoon I read in the local paper today:

Two guys sitting together, and one says "He said you were a big idiot, but don't think I didn't defend you. I told him you're below average height."

Easy Peasy - Copy & Paste

This is an old one, still funny though...

Subject: George Hu?

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The Chinaman!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's whose name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China.

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.

(Condi picks up the phone.)

Condi: Rice, here.

George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

(HU'S ON FIRST - By James Sherman

Only For Laughs

Jokes are traveling around the world faster than ever. They're translated into every possible language, and spread at the speed of light via different media technologies such as SMS, E-mail and websites. Here's one I got from my brother, a very trusty source (does he ever work?):

Brother John entered the "Monastery of Silence" and the Abbott said,
"Brother, this is a silent monastery; you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Brother John lived in the monastery for five years before the Abbott said to him, "Brother John, you have been here five years now; you may speak two words."

Brother John said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbot said. "We will get you a better bed."

After another five years, Brother John was called by the Abbott. "You may say another two words, Brother John."

"Cold food," said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him that the food would be better in the future.

On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again call Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."

"I quit," said Brother John.

"It is probably best, you've done nothing but complain since you got here."

And another:

The woman to the man after having sex:

"Oh darling, the sensation is fantastic with these rugged condoms!"

The man replies:

"They're not rugged. You're just so bloody ugly I get goosebumps..."

Basic Training

I couldn't resist and took the liberty translating one of Frode Øverli's cartoons:

From The Old Folk's Home - Again

An old woman and an old man is sitting staring at each other in the day room at the retirement home.

Suddenly the old man says:

- For twenty bugs I'll do you in the rocking chair over there. The old woman looks at him with surprise, but says nothing.

The old man continues:
- But, for fifty I'll do it with you in that comfy sofa, and if you've got a hundred you can come with me to my room for a romantic dinner, followed by a night you'll never forget.

The old lady still says nothing, but starts to rummage through her purse, and eventually pulls out a crumpled Benjamin.

The geezer takes the money and smiles.... - Sooo, you want a romantic evening all included, do you?

- Pull yourself together, man!! answers the woman, - I'm having five rounds in the rocking chair!

Oh My...

I don't know if I should laugh or cry about this, but earlier today in Oslo, a slightly intoxicated 70 year old woman was escorted out from a shopping mall by the police for speeding with her wheelchair! She was also driving into people, and the management was concerned about the public's safety as well as the old woman's. They said she was welcome back after she'd done some basic training maneuvering her vehicle...

It's Never Too Late...

This is a joke I heard years ago, I guess long before the days of Internet. For some reason I came to think about it today, and I thought I'd share it with you. As it originally was told to me in Swedish, I first had to translate it, but clever as I am I also realized it must have been told in a zillion different languages around the world, including English. So why do the translation myself, when it most likely already is floating around on the web? And accordingly - this is the result of a Google search and copy&paste. The Internet truly is a wonder, and the answers to all possible questions are just a few keystrokes away. If you only know how to ask...

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks "What?"

He replies "SEX!!!"

Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know", Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while".

"Well, I can oblige," says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers and removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood.

Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the home until she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident who was holding Howard's manhood!

Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?!?"

Howard smiled and replied..............."Parkinson's"

So, while I'm at it, why not bring you another one from the same page I found the first joke?

There's an old couple, both in their 80's, on a sentimental holiday they went back to the spot where they first met. They're sitting in a pub and he says to her, "Do you recall the first time we had sex together, over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old times sake?"

"Ooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, 'I've got to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence.' So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the barn and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling "Ohhh God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The guy, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.

As the couple pass, the guy says to them, "That was something else, you must have been going at it for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?"

"No, there's no secret," the old man says, "except fifty years ago that frigging fence wasn't electric."

Rooster

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. 'So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this.' He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well, I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finish's first gets to have all the hens for himself."

Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy," said the young rooster.

So the two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.

By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself . . . "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

(Image from The American Rag)

Today's Quote

A scientist knows more & more about less & less till he knows everything about nothing while a philosopher knows less & less about more & more till he knows nothing about everything.

If this is true, what about a philosophical scientist then?

Just For Laughs

Blogging now makes it evident that I'm not all that dedicated to what I'm supposed to be doing. But I'm a slow starter, it's still early...

Just wanted to share with you, a story I found somewhere out there:

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching" Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Masquerade

There was a costume ball, and a woman arrived naked. The doorman stopped her and asked "Who do you represent?". "Adam" she replied. "But you don't have a d***!". "No, but I'll probably get one..."

Happy Easter!

Yet another contribution from my brother:

Temper Tantrum

I just caught a glimpse of an old episode of "America's Funniest Home Videos" this evening, and as usual there's too much of people who more or less willingly hurt themselves. Not funny. Well, not to me at least. But this one is hilarious, and it really says it all:

5 Things You Didn't Know About Me (Maybe)

Toril has tagged me for a meme, which I actually would like to follow. This time it's about 5 personal "secrets", or at least things you usually don't write about in your blog. As in Toril's case episodes and behavior from younger days naturally comes to mind, so here are a few things you perhaps didn't know about me.

1. As a very young kid I was afraid of the sea and wouldn't take a swim in anything but fresh water. The idea of monsters like crabs, jellyfish and worse kept me far away from the waves. I came to my senses of course and now I just love everything about the sea.
2. I hated fish too! To eat I mean, and getting steamed cod for dinner was the worst punishment in my opinion. I came to my senses in that area too, and today cod is a luxury. In every aspect, since overfishing and global warming almost has landed the cod on the endangered species list.
3. As a kid I played the violin. Nothing more to say about that really...
4. And I danced ballet. Same with that, I quit. But maybe I should reflect on these two activities and why I quit? You see, I have had a habit of quitting things as soon as I didn't feel good enough, and how could I be? Comparing myself to the ballerina I saw in Swan Lake at the opera, or the fiddlers we had for guests in our home, and who woke me up in the middle of the night playing folk music. I loved it though, and it has probably shaped me as well, but at that point I figured I'd never be as good. I was 9. I remember my tutor calling my parents begging them to persuade me to keep on playing, but I had made my mind up. These days I try to let the experts inspire me to improve myself instead of giving up.
5. At last - I was a rock girl, and quite heavy rock it was, with bands like Krokus, AC/DC, Motörhead and Iron Maiden. I dressed accordingly, probably to my mothers disliking, but perhaps she was smarter than me keeping quiet, 'cause I can't keep my mouth shot when it comes to my own 13-year-old. Guess what her favorite music is?
   

This has been fun, and I think I'll pester my teachers and tag Jill and Hilde. Then I'll also tag Pia, who left for Hong Kong this semester.

Could It Be More Fun?

Nothing To Do?

Maybe you'll get some ideas from this slideshow.

Printer Problems

I have just bought me a new printer, so hopefully I don't have to turn to this solution.

Not Everything Is What It Looks Like

"There was this newlywed, young woman, who went to IKEA and bought a wardrobe. When she came home she immediately started to assemble the piece. Just as she finished the bus came along, and while passing the bus stop on the street outside, the wardrobe fell apart!

She reassembled the wardrobe, and the same thing happened again when the next bus came. She called IKEA, told them what happened, and they promised to send a guy to fix it.

He came, and managed to reassemble the wardrobe once more. But as soon as he'd done so, the bus came, and the whole thing fell apart again.

When this had happened twice, he decided to place himself inside the wardrobe in hope of understanding the course of events.

At same time the young womans husband came home. He was curious about the new furniture his wife had bought, and he entered the bedroom where the wardrobe was placed. Once he'd admired it from the outside, he opened the doors to have a look inside.

He stared at the guy from IKEA, who was standing in there saying:
-You probably won't believe me, but I'm actually waiting for the bus."

Thank you, Anna, for sending me this. Maybe I'll see you Friday then?