I know by now that's it's not advisable to wish for things without careful consideration, 'cause you might get it! And then usually in a way that makes you regret the wish in the first place. So when I for a second wished for a sick note, I took it back straight away. But I just wanted a little peace and quiet, and I have a friend who a couple of years ago broke a leg and said to me: "I recommend one of these! I have never relaxed so much in a long time. Now I can read all day, and everyone else is waiting up on me." After six weeks she was ready to go back to work, fully restored, both physically and mentally. There's a huge difference though. She had a job, and obviously got paid when she was on sick leave. And more important, she had a devoted husband and family in the house. I think I better stay whole.
So now as I have overcome this mornings crying, I'm sitting here at the University labelling old blog posts. It seems like I do a lot of pondering about being human, mainly using metaphors. There are not so many posts labelled odd things, but actually most posts could be, 'cause to me being human is quite an odd thing.
As with most things, there are more than one aspect to labelling ones posts. On one hand, both prospective readers and myself could find posts belonging to a certain theme or field of interest. But on the other hand, that only works if the posts are labelled correctly. And what is that anyway? The funny? label is usually quite an easy one, 'cause these posts are mainly silly jokes and stories I get via E-mail. But what about travel? That could be from a trip from abroad, or sometimes I just travel into my mind. That last one should probably be something else then; frustrations or dreams maybe. Or even an experiment.
You see what I mean? Still chaos, although it looks more organized.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Friends & Family
Just got back from another fantastic trip, and I'm sure it'll take some time to get back to reality. Or maybe just fifteen minutes, when the lecturer will be entereing the classroom.
Anyhow, my brother has walked the earth for 50 years now, and very reluctantly decided to throw a party on the occasion. The invitation even implied that he wouldn't attend himself; he would merely open up the bar and let his friends and family get acquainted. When we arrived shortly after seven my brother wasn't there, and I suggested he'd gone to Thailand. If he had, that would be typical him, but as long as the cocktails kept coming and we'd get some food, I just wished him a nice stay in the sun.
But he'd left us a note on the counter. We all read it, and we were dumbstruck! The shortversion of my brother's words:
"I'm not there. Have something to do first. I've had kept a secret for 6 month now which is about to be revealed soon. You have a guess! At 19.20 you're allowed to open up the rest of the note and see if anyone got it right."
The people in the room threw out guesses like mad - "He's cut his hair!" (My brother's had a ponytail for some 8 years now, which has been much discussed.) "He's sold his stamp collection!" (Not likely, but you'll never know) "He's got married" (He's been a bachelor for ever, but why not?) I figured he'd bought a horse, but that was as ridiculous as every other suggestion. 19.20 sharp we impatiently tore up the letter and here's next short version:
"As you're reading this, I'm on my way to the airport to pick up what hopefully is my future wife."
We were all flabbergasted, but at least someone had guessed it. My brother is full of surprises, I knew that, but this one surely took the cake. About ten minutes later he arrived at the party, and everyone turned their heads. "Where is she?"
"Gotcha!"
There he was, with ponytail and no wife. It was all a big joke from his side. But in the end everyone agreed that we love him just the way he is. Ponytail, or not.
Anyhow, my brother has walked the earth for 50 years now, and very reluctantly decided to throw a party on the occasion. The invitation even implied that he wouldn't attend himself; he would merely open up the bar and let his friends and family get acquainted. When we arrived shortly after seven my brother wasn't there, and I suggested he'd gone to Thailand. If he had, that would be typical him, but as long as the cocktails kept coming and we'd get some food, I just wished him a nice stay in the sun.
But he'd left us a note on the counter. We all read it, and we were dumbstruck! The shortversion of my brother's words:
"I'm not there. Have something to do first. I've had kept a secret for 6 month now which is about to be revealed soon. You have a guess! At 19.20 you're allowed to open up the rest of the note and see if anyone got it right."
The people in the room threw out guesses like mad - "He's cut his hair!" (My brother's had a ponytail for some 8 years now, which has been much discussed.) "He's sold his stamp collection!" (Not likely, but you'll never know) "He's got married" (He's been a bachelor for ever, but why not?) I figured he'd bought a horse, but that was as ridiculous as every other suggestion. 19.20 sharp we impatiently tore up the letter and here's next short version:
"As you're reading this, I'm on my way to the airport to pick up what hopefully is my future wife."
We were all flabbergasted, but at least someone had guessed it. My brother is full of surprises, I knew that, but this one surely took the cake. About ten minutes later he arrived at the party, and everyone turned their heads. "Where is she?"
"Gotcha!"
There he was, with ponytail and no wife. It was all a big joke from his side. But in the end everyone agreed that we love him just the way he is. Ponytail, or not.
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Looonnggg Comment
It seems like it's not possible to leave very long comments here for the moment. If it's a beta related problem or not, I don't know. But my dear friend Toril put a lot of thought and time in a comment on the previous post "Hodgepodge", so I better publish it in another way.
Toril said:
"In the midst of personal misery or more intellectually approached as cognitive dissonance I would like to direct your attention to Aristotle and his famous doctrine about "The Golden Mean", in which he suggests a virtue is the midway point between two extremes, and perceived self-respect to be the golden mean between vanity and self-abasement, and modesty between shamelessness and shyness. The aim is to find the appropriate balance in your personality, and I therefore suggest that you don’t turn off all your heat or vent all your steam. You are, undoubtedly in dire need of a little of both!!
There are periods in our lives that are contemptuously dreadful, and when those periods have passed we look back at them as a typically dark period of our lives, and they were, but the thing is that we learn a lot about ourselves and others in the excruciating process. We never learn anything when life is happy, wonderful and content, that much I know. On numerous occasions, I’ve been abruptly and unwillingly ushered into the darkness and grief that I clearly remember from my divorce period, but thanks to my children and friends I have returned quickly and joyfully. I would insist that in order to succeed you must listen and act on the advice and comfort that is coming your way. We cannot romance the stone endlessly, and sometimes we have to take HUGE steps to conquer the smallest cognitive dissonance. The longer we hibernate in our sorrow the longer the convalescence.
I tend to indulge in my own sorrow simply because I believe certain things are strictly personal. I sit on it, literally brood on it for weeks on end, and in the process I hurt the people that love me the most. I don’t want to bother them with my anguish, other sometimes I’m embarrassed about issues and certainly don’t want to share it with anyone. In the end I have to share it anyways, it eventually hurts more than I can tolerate unaccompanied. When the bubble bursts I feel like a new human being, and I wonder why the heck I didn’t share the distress sooner!!!!
Karin, in your case I can give a lot of advice, and you can choose to listen to me or not. Unfortunately, you’re a grown woman and you’ll have to find your own way out of the misery, but please look around and include your friends, your children and your family. Don’t pretend that life is wonderful, talk about your grief and anxiety – friends will listen, reflect and give advice. Friends may talk about you when you’re not there, I know I have, but it isn’t meant to hurt you in any shape or form. Friends don’t stigmatize friends intentionally, and if they have said something that has hurt your feeling they should be confronted with it if it makes you feel better.
I believe I had a lot to say about this issue, and it’s up to you whether you want to publish this comment or not. Whatever you do, always remember that you are beautiful, intelligent and precious, and a friend that I truly value exceptionally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Derogative" end of comment
Thank you, Toril! I know you're a true friend, no doubt about that.
When it comes to Aristotle and his thinking I totally agree, and I actually linked to the very same article in a blog post some time ago. And if you stay in the middle you're much safer, beeing far from the edge.
Talk to you soon.
Toril said:
"In the midst of personal misery or more intellectually approached as cognitive dissonance I would like to direct your attention to Aristotle and his famous doctrine about "The Golden Mean", in which he suggests a virtue is the midway point between two extremes, and perceived self-respect to be the golden mean between vanity and self-abasement, and modesty between shamelessness and shyness. The aim is to find the appropriate balance in your personality, and I therefore suggest that you don’t turn off all your heat or vent all your steam. You are, undoubtedly in dire need of a little of both!!
There are periods in our lives that are contemptuously dreadful, and when those periods have passed we look back at them as a typically dark period of our lives, and they were, but the thing is that we learn a lot about ourselves and others in the excruciating process. We never learn anything when life is happy, wonderful and content, that much I know. On numerous occasions, I’ve been abruptly and unwillingly ushered into the darkness and grief that I clearly remember from my divorce period, but thanks to my children and friends I have returned quickly and joyfully. I would insist that in order to succeed you must listen and act on the advice and comfort that is coming your way. We cannot romance the stone endlessly, and sometimes we have to take HUGE steps to conquer the smallest cognitive dissonance. The longer we hibernate in our sorrow the longer the convalescence.
I tend to indulge in my own sorrow simply because I believe certain things are strictly personal. I sit on it, literally brood on it for weeks on end, and in the process I hurt the people that love me the most. I don’t want to bother them with my anguish, other sometimes I’m embarrassed about issues and certainly don’t want to share it with anyone. In the end I have to share it anyways, it eventually hurts more than I can tolerate unaccompanied. When the bubble bursts I feel like a new human being, and I wonder why the heck I didn’t share the distress sooner!!!!
Karin, in your case I can give a lot of advice, and you can choose to listen to me or not. Unfortunately, you’re a grown woman and you’ll have to find your own way out of the misery, but please look around and include your friends, your children and your family. Don’t pretend that life is wonderful, talk about your grief and anxiety – friends will listen, reflect and give advice. Friends may talk about you when you’re not there, I know I have, but it isn’t meant to hurt you in any shape or form. Friends don’t stigmatize friends intentionally, and if they have said something that has hurt your feeling they should be confronted with it if it makes you feel better.
I believe I had a lot to say about this issue, and it’s up to you whether you want to publish this comment or not. Whatever you do, always remember that you are beautiful, intelligent and precious, and a friend that I truly value exceptionally!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Derogative" end of comment
Thank you, Toril! I know you're a true friend, no doubt about that.
When it comes to Aristotle and his thinking I totally agree, and I actually linked to the very same article in a blog post some time ago. And if you stay in the middle you're much safer, beeing far from the edge.
Talk to you soon.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Hodgepodge
I sit down here, with every intention of writing a post. There's a lot I would like to discuss, and I even start out on a few. Write a sentence or two, only to delete them seconds later. "I'm off again. This time the occasion is my brothers birthday. He's all grown up now." shift+home, delete and the screen is blank again. Not that I don't want to tell you about my dear brother and the rest of my wonderful family, but then again, why should I? I can write about the party next week, if I'll survive it. "Please help me, I'm so frustrated." Sure, that one is deleted as well. I mean, what's the big news? 4 years, and I'm still a mess. Ups and downs coming so fast I don't have time to adjust, not to mention how my friends need to be around to watch the turmoil. And talking about friends. "How far does your rights stretch? Is it wrong to accidently listen in on a conversation, even if it is about you?" Deleted. I didn't know how to pursue that one. When it happened I got all these brilliant ideas about the self and the "ownership" of it, but as always it seems like I'm incapable of holding these thoughts together. They get all tangled up in the clutter that is constantly present in my brain. I am soo tired of it. It feels like I'm a pressure cooker, just about to explode. And the question is-Should I turn off the heat, or try to vent out the steam?
Pic is "stolen", this time from Gary Pruner. Hope he doesn't mind.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
The Green Monster
This one's only because I promised you, Toril. And besides, I seem to have lost my inspiration today, so why not write about this dream I had? Lately I have been dreaming a lot, and very strange things too, but I think this one excels.
In the dream I moved back and forth into two different parts, seemingly without connection. Right now, and especially since I'm not attempting any interpretation of the dream, I'll only tell you about the freaky part.
"I was somewhere. I say somewhere because I can't recall anything about where or when or how. But in this somewhere there was a cactus in a pot, about half a meter tall, light green with two stems, and it had a lot of small sharp spines. It could have been a Saguaro. I looked at the base of the cactus and was suddenly terrified. There was a part of the cactus sticking out and it was shaped like a foot! It didn't just resemble a foot, but it was exactly like a foot. Except it was a part of the cactus, green with spines and everything. I think I then moved into the other part of the dream, and when I "got back" again the cactus had produced an arm too! In this manner the dream continued for a while, back and forth, each time with a new part developed on the cactus. In the end the whole thing detached from the cactus, and I held in my arms a baby! Now the baby looked normal, not like a cactus anymore, but I knew otherwise. It had this creepy Chucky feeling to it. Evil, sinister, only waiting to do something bad. What precisely, I couldn't imagine, I only knew I had to play along not to annoy it. I prattled and babbled, taking good care not to do anything to evoke the devil inside. I put on a diaper and some cloth. Guessed what I dressed him in? A little brown monks robe, with hood and all; had this feeling that it might "tame" the viciousness. Before anything really bad happened the alarm went off, I woke up and was rescued from this beast in disguise."
Interpretation? No thanks, not today.
But take a look at the picture here, I found it when I Googled for images on "cactus". It came up as one of the first hits, and it immediately caught my attention for obvious reasons. I clicked on it, and was almost as spooked as in the dream, when I found out who the painter was. Odilon Redon, whom I basically know very little about, but it is the second time I unknowingly choose one of his works to accompany a blogpost. And these two are very different as well.
If nothing else, I know now that so many significant moments in my life have a deep connection with art. In some way or the other. Or is it that art is connected to everything anyway? In some way or the other?
In the dream I moved back and forth into two different parts, seemingly without connection. Right now, and especially since I'm not attempting any interpretation of the dream, I'll only tell you about the freaky part.
"I was somewhere. I say somewhere because I can't recall anything about where or when or how. But in this somewhere there was a cactus in a pot, about half a meter tall, light green with two stems, and it had a lot of small sharp spines. It could have been a Saguaro. I looked at the base of the cactus and was suddenly terrified. There was a part of the cactus sticking out and it was shaped like a foot! It didn't just resemble a foot, but it was exactly like a foot. Except it was a part of the cactus, green with spines and everything. I think I then moved into the other part of the dream, and when I "got back" again the cactus had produced an arm too! In this manner the dream continued for a while, back and forth, each time with a new part developed on the cactus. In the end the whole thing detached from the cactus, and I held in my arms a baby! Now the baby looked normal, not like a cactus anymore, but I knew otherwise. It had this creepy Chucky feeling to it. Evil, sinister, only waiting to do something bad. What precisely, I couldn't imagine, I only knew I had to play along not to annoy it. I prattled and babbled, taking good care not to do anything to evoke the devil inside. I put on a diaper and some cloth. Guessed what I dressed him in? A little brown monks robe, with hood and all; had this feeling that it might "tame" the viciousness. Before anything really bad happened the alarm went off, I woke up and was rescued from this beast in disguise."
Interpretation? No thanks, not today.
But take a look at the picture here, I found it when I Googled for images on "cactus". It came up as one of the first hits, and it immediately caught my attention for obvious reasons. I clicked on it, and was almost as spooked as in the dream, when I found out who the painter was. Odilon Redon, whom I basically know very little about, but it is the second time I unknowingly choose one of his works to accompany a blogpost. And these two are very different as well.
If nothing else, I know now that so many significant moments in my life have a deep connection with art. In some way or the other. Or is it that art is connected to everything anyway? In some way or the other?
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