Flowing Water

This time of the year it's common to sum up the previous year, but is there any possible way to do that? And should I? I guess whatever happens in life, either good or bad, it's important to learn something from it, in order to progress. To be able to repeat any success, and avoid making the same mistakes over and over again. But the first question I need to answer is whether I should write at all...

Well, of course I'll write, but it was more what and where. This is not the first time I questioned the existence of this blog, and probably not the last, but this time I was actually quite sure I wasn't going to post anything more. The freedom I used to feel, the relief in venting out my thoughts and feelings, was gone, and I felt I was giving away freebies. Like I'd put myself under a microscope for anyone to examine my heart and soul. And why should I do that for nothing? On the other hand, only writing about every day trivia isn't doing it for me in the long run, it's the more complex and profound personal issues I need to explore.

Also, it seems like some people love my words more than they love me, so what the hell; why not give the people what the people want then? If I make it my decision to "give", maybe I'll get at least some sense of dignity and control back?

In one of the first posts of last year I sounded quite optimistic, and the one sentence read like this:

"This year's plan is to run through any brick walls that might come in my way..."

I don't know whether the walls were too solid, sturdy and impenetrable or if I just didn't see them,but the result was still the same. I smashed so hard I can still feel the pain. That's why I'm not going to predict anything for this year, and there'll be no New Year's resolutions for me. As long as I'll keep my head above water I'll be fairly satisfied. Everything else is a bonus. And with this rather bleak and pessimistic view I should be in for a fantastic year, don't you think?

OK, back to 2007 then, if only for those last weeks.

I spent the latter part of December with my family in Sweden, and here are a few words (and images) from then.



So, this is where I'm from - Mölndal, Sweden. Funny though how some things can just lie there for ever without you taking any notice. I don't know how many times I've passed here, and not looking really. To my defense I don't think the stream was as accessible back then, all locked in by factories and fences. Now as the buildings are rebuilt and let out for office use, the area is more open to the public. All in line with the idea of restoring and maintaining historical sites like this in general.



The second picture is from Fiskebäck, where my father keeps his boat. Now we just paid a quick visit to see that everything was in place, and all covers tightly secured. They were, but going there was also a nice excuse for grabbing a pizza at the local "restaurant". (The quality of the photos are not the best, taken with my mobile device as they are.)

Otherwise Christmas and New Year passed by in relative peace and harmony. The last day of the year I spent with two bachelors, lamb chops, Amarone wine, Roquefort cheese with Sauternes, and Champagne when the clock struck twelve. Absolutely a nice evening, and very safe considering the two bachelors are my brothers. No risk of breaking anything there.

So what would this "New Year Revue" be about then? Could say it was the year when everything happened, and then again, nothing at all...

Finse

Christmas Is Coming - And Fast!

It's 9 pm and I haven't started packing yet. Probably a very good idea to do that considering I'm planning to be on that first train in the morning. I'll spend Christmas with my family in Sweden, something I really look forward to. Nice to wrap up such a turbulent year in comfortable surroundings.

Christmas really did come fast this year; it's like the earlier and the more intense the shops are sending out their message about Christmas, the less interested I get, and the more distant Christmas actually seems. But it does come, every year. I haven't bought a single gift so far. Nope, that was not all true. My daughter got hers in advance since she won't be in Sweden with me - and she also needed that coat for her Christmas party last Saturday. And I have also bought one more gift - but I'm not even sure if I'll get the chance to give it away. But it has a name tag on it...

I wonder if Santa's bringing me what I want for Christmas? Probably not, since I don't believe in him - never had actually. Sounds a bit sad doesn't it? A child who doesn't believe in Santa Claus?

But maybe I'll get what I wish for if I believe in myself and my own miracles instead? That sounds like a good start!

Repayment Time

And I'm doing it gladly. I told you the other week about my friend who draw a few sketches of me and also "treats me like a princess"? It's quite remarkable that it's so hard simply being treated nicely without feeling guilty. But she has that quality, to give without expecting anything back, so with her I can practice being the receiver in a "secure environment". But as I said, I'm happy whenever I can help her, and tomorrow I'll have the chance as I got a car and she doesn't.

Things usually work out if you only relax and let go. But it's just so damn hard, anxious control freak as I am. Everyday is a challenge to find that inner peace, and trust that good things will come if I believe they will.

Some things are a bit difficult to discuss and write about, if you suspect that the listeners won't understand. Like meditation and healing. If you're not "in to it", every word might just sound very cliché. But I'll take my chances anyway, 'cause I think it's kinda interesting.

Last night me and my daughter went to a gathering in town, for a session of meditation and healing. No lengthy explanations are necessary, but afterwards my daughter said: "Mum, you have to stop rushing!" She had actually "seen" a very distinct aspect of me, but something no one has ever pointed out so precisely before. She had "seen" these fast forward arrows, you know, and she'd got that certain feeling that I was hardly ever present in the moment. She's almost 22 and she saw me, and I know she's right. I have lived with myself for over 40 years now, and I know the feeling. Most of the time I'm thinking ahead or away, even when I'm doing things I like. And I'm beginning to realize it's no wonder I'm tired.

I know how I want to be, but it's like a switch I can't find. I also know that it's possible, 'cause it wasn't long ago that I actually experienced it, if only for a short time. I know I shouldn't be dependent on having another person with me in order to find that inner peace, every book on the subject clearly states that, but I'm just saying that certain people makes me calmer and more grounded.

If you're only a random reader and don't know me in person, it might sound like I'm highly strung and very erratic, but I don't think that my restless soul is that evident on the outside. Think I "fool" people every day, right? The reason I chose to write about it now though, is that I have a very strong feeling it's extremely important for me to do something about it. If there's something to do?

The other thing my daughter "saw" was words, she got the feeling that there were too many words to fit inside my head, like I was exploding. And she's right there too, I just don't know yet how to let them out.

PS. After I published this post i was still thinking about it (not uncommon), and it struck me as funny that I used the analogy of the switch, considering the game I've been "addicted" to for a few weeks now. It's called Confuse Box, and the object is to connect up all wires and switch on all the lights. The lights and wires are all set in place, you only have to turn them into their right position. There's only one solution to each puzzle, and not until the last wire is set correctly you get the happy tune that tells the game is finished. Just how I feel. I know everything is there to hear the jingle, I just need to make the right connections.

Lucia

Today is St Lucia's Day, although we haven't celebrated it here really. Kids are almost grown up, and I'm not sure they ever got the real hang of it anyway. (Had they been in Sweden now, they would probably shown up drunk on their teacher's doorstep early this morning for some caroling...) Ah, those were the days.

Lussekatt!

From The Old Folk's Home - Again

An old woman and an old man is sitting staring at each other in the day room at the retirement home.

Suddenly the old man says:

- For twenty bugs I'll do you in the rocking chair over there. The old woman looks at him with surprise, but says nothing.

The old man continues:
- But, for fifty I'll do it with you in that comfy sofa, and if you've got a hundred you can come with me to my room for a romantic dinner, followed by a night you'll never forget.

The old lady still says nothing, but starts to rummage through her purse, and eventually pulls out a crumpled Benjamin.

The geezer takes the money and smiles.... - Sooo, you want a romantic evening all included, do you?

- Pull yourself together, man!! answers the woman, - I'm having five rounds in the rocking chair!

Master And Commander

Another sleepover, and another double feature. This time we watched two very good movies: The Norwegian/Sami Pathfinder and then Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World. There's actually some similarities between the two; both tell a story about how man can find inner strength and beat the enemy by using his brain, and not by raw power.

Having a fairly developed aesthetic mind made me appreciate these films on another level as well, the colors and sceneries are definitely stimulating. They are also very well cut, these films; rich in contrasts which make them very intriguing. And what about the Commander himself? Russel Crowe, I mean. Well, hmm, hubba, hubba...

Little Princess

I have a friend who treats me like a princess, and last night I went for a sleepover there. We had a double feature watching two nice movies about life, death and everything in between. And beyond. A few glasses of red wine was also consumed, along with some chocolate. It was a very nice evening indeed, and after a good night's sleep I even got breakfast in bed! Sunday was lazy; we had leftovers for hot lunch and later I got a blanket pulled over me and I fell asleep on the sofa. And I must have been an inspiration of some sort, just look here:





Thank you, my dear Hannah! You really are a good friend, and I'm glad whenever I can help you.