The Thing
Do you know what his "thing" is? my friend asked. The more I think about it, the more it hurts. The question came after I, slightly dejected, wondered why not he finds me as desirable as my regular friends keep saying I am. (A real catch, right?) I didn't ask for an answer really, it was more of a spoken thought, but I guess she was trying to help me. The "thing" she was referring to was what his "soft spot" was, what he couldn't resist in a woman. The thing that made him actually fall in love. Like it was a secret formula somehow. I said: Do you mean it's up to me then? Should I change somehow? Just perform the magic trick, which would make him realize he can't live without me?
I must admit I've actually been thinking it myself, you know, in the line of not being good enough. Not possessing all the qualities compatible with real girlfriend material. Not being the perfect dream of a woman. But actually hear from a friend that it might be my own "fault"? Well, that hurts a little. Now I know she didn't mean it that way, but I can't help but perceive it like that. As I confronted her she referred to the fact that some men seem to know exactly what women want, and know how to play their cards. Making the women fall like ripe fruit. Like these men have cracked the code of seduction. Sure, it's like being a good politician, winning your voters over. But as I see it, they won't stay loyal if they discover that it was merely a charm offensive, and nothing that'll last.
I want to believe that being myself will be enough in the end, and that I don't have to be taller, slimmer, funnier, richer, quieter, more beautiful, more successful, more whatever they want.
And also, I don't know if I'm strong enough to hear it, if it actually is true what she's saying. I think I rather want to believe the story I'm told. Gullible me. Otherwise I have to join a gym and write a best-seller. Or maybe just keep my mouth shot from time to time.
9 comments:
Must be in the air.... I've been contemplating life, relationships along the same line. I have come to one major conclusion, a big one for me actually; I will NOT settle for anything less than what I want. A loving complete relationship, I deserve it! I was heading down the part-time relationship road again and was prepared to take it on when something dragged me back to reality. I don't really want to waste any more time on something that won't last, so I'm going to focus on what I want. Let's be honest, a bad relationship is NOT better than no relationship. I would prefer to be alone.
I agree. In theory. My "problem" though is there's not even a half-way relationship to consider. It's worse than that... Or more complex, I might say. And in my own little head this nothing is at times actually the best. I reminds me of an old joke:
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There was a lecture on peoples sexual life, and the professor talked about habits, frequency and such. He then made a little poll and asked the audience how often they had sex. Every day - not that many hands in the air. A couple of times a week turned up the most hands. Then fewer and fewer hands as the professor asked: "Once a week?", "Every fortnight?", "Once in a full moon?" and so on. "Once a year?" and a single man raised his hand, with a grinning smile from ear to ear. The old man could hardly sit still, jiggling on his chair.
The people in the audience all looked at him in surprise, and the professor asked the question everyone wondered about: "Why so happy? Just once a year. That's not much, is it?"
"I know," the man replied "but it's today!"
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Seems like I'm confusing sex with relationships again! ;) That might be my biggest problem. Not the actual confusion, but I'm the only one wanting to see things that apparently aren't there.
The conversation has now turned into something I'm not sure I can keep straight any longer. Not in the comment field, at least. Some of my readers might get a little confused (too)...
Deb, when did you become so sensible??? Could you send me some of that magic potion please? What can I say, with my body and soul in the middle of it - other than we must get wiser with age somehow, but then I fail to understand why we approach and enter another bad relationship??? Is it because we fall on our face, madly in love, or is it simply that we change with age and experience, and if the partner has changed in the same period it certainly isn't noticed as it MUST be in a completely different direction....
Maybe you're the lucky one, Karin? Didn't we have a date this week?
Maybe you're right, maybe I am the lucky one. To be honest, what I do have is darn amazing actually. If I could find truly peace with that it I'll be just fine, and everything beyond that will be pure bonus.
But are you settling? Maybe the not finding peace with it is because it's just not 'quite right' somehow? I know, not much help am I.... just stirring up the pot again aren't I?! I re-read your post, it does seem that we want to force things, mold them into something we're expecting/want. I'm VERY guilty of that one, more than once I've seen things in a situation that really weren't there, or at the very least, not the way I was perceiving it. It's so easy for us to shift blame onto ourselves; what are we doing wrong, how can we change to make it work, why won't he love me the way I need/want? All great questions, BUT we're making or forcing a relationship out of something that isn't there. How many times I've shifted or changed myself into something I'm not, only to end up running away like a mad woman in the end because I can't keep myself stuffed into that little box I put myself into. And to make it worse, I carry the guilt for what I've just done to some poor shumuck who is now standing there not knowing what hit him. Haven't we all experienced the situation when some guy finds us absolutely irrisitable and we have little to no feelings for him? Will it makes us change our mind or heart if he changes - no it won't. It's one of the life lessons I repeatedly tell my daughter, you can't force something that isn't there, it's not that you have some flaw or aren't pretty enough, rich enough, skinny enough, smart enough; it's just not there for him. Torturing ourselves, believing if we just were something else, we would be right; but we're not that person so why continue to beat ourselves up for it, it's time to move on to something that has a chance of working.
Well... hasn't this been quite the lesson for me! I think I should take my own advice and just go with the flow. Eventually someone will come along, and if not, that's OK too. At least I didn't drive myself nuts in another bad relationship!
This deserves a proper reply, and I look forward to write it. But it will come as a private mail though. (If not today, hopefully sooner than later.) In here I keep beating 'round the bush, hinting this, indicating that, all as an attempt not to reveal who the hell I'm actually talking about. That's not obvious, you see, in spite of how it may seem. Especially when I take the liberty of sometimes mixing things up to make a point.
Writing this I think I'm getting very close to my "problem", and I believe I've touched upon it before. I'm not clear enough! Coward... ;)
I don't think there are anyone I know anywhere who can express my feelings exactly as you two do!! Deb, where do you find the words to express yourself so well?? You should write and publish a book for women with important advice to our sad love lives - I firmly believe you would be a bestseller for centuries and make a fortune :) I'm in the gutter up to my armpits, and it's simply too much to deal with right now, I just want to deny it, and hide it as far away in my subconsciousness as possible!! Just gets worse, I know!! However, I don't have any strength as I know all the crap will hit the roof and last for months on end!!!!!
In order not to get carried away again, I look forward to any mail coming my way, yes, hard to discuss things without revealing too much.
As far as crap hitting the fan; it's always worse living in the place you are now (speaking from the other side). Yes, it will hit the fan, but you can deal with it so much easier when you have your freedom! And you do have the right to walk away - now and in the future. When he's pressuring you for 'reasons' and to reconsider and whatever guilt trip he'll send your way, you can turn off the phone, shut the door or walk away - you have the right to put YOU first, give yourself time to heal and protect yourself!
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