Let's Get To Work
After 2 hours of guidance talk with Irene I feel a lot better. Although the talk is for me as a therapist, it obviously has to do with me as a person as well. The two are inseparable, and the way to become a good therapist is to acknowledge and understand my own patterns and feelings, and recognize them in others.
So now I have a job to do, and it will be a tough one. A lot of digging and scrutinizing, and it will be very emotional with lot of anger and tears. The tough part won't be the actual work, but not telling about it. I see now that part of my problem ha been that regarding certain aspects of my past I have only dealt with them on a logical plane. I know that I've been mistreated and hurt, and I carry wounds that prohibits me from being the true Karin. But I haven't totally excepted it, haven't felt it in my heart. There are still parts of me that make excuses for the abuse. By telling I can hope to get sympathy and understanding, but it can also make it harder to connect to the core feeling of the issue.
All this is not meant to be a start up for some revenge tour, it's much simpler than that. Once I truly accept the past, the energy of the matter will be gone, and I'll be free to move forward.
4 comments:
Sounds like you're in for a lot of hard work.... My positive blessings for your journey ahead.
Thanks, Deb! It will be hard, but also kinda interesting. 'Cause it's not like my history is the worst, viewed from an objective point that is. And I'm certainly not alone. People are abused one way way or the other all the time. But it's like I've said (a million times) before. There's no scale for measuring hurt and pain, the feelings are real for whoever experience them. The worst part (regardless of level and type of abuse) is that you believe they're right. He actually took pride in that he wasn't physical, and often patted himself on his shoulder saying "At least I don't hit you." (Meaning: I'm not turning in to my father. I'm better than him.) And initially, as I loved him, respected him, and had faith in him, I believed he was right in that too. That physical abuse was far worse than emotional/psychological abuse. (And probably that I on some level deserved what I got...) If he'd actually laid hands on me, maybe I'd woken up sooner?
The clue is that I at the time never thought I accepted his behavior. I thought I could tell right from wrong, and as soon I was on my own I figured that was it. "He wasn't nice, I'm OK and let's get on with my life." Evidence though (my patterns, my reactions), shows that parts of me still believe the lies. Whenever something isn't going the way I wish, I blame myself somehow. The indestructible and everlasting "I'm not good enough!" Recognize it?
But I better face it now, I am good enough!
That is certainly a loaded comment. Do we all fall into this trap??? Yes, although the situations weren't quite the same, the end result is, we all feel we're not good enough.
Maybe there aren't any physical scars, is that why we think it wasn't 'all that bad'? It WAS bad enough that it caused you pain and the effects of that exist today. Just because there was one small level of control doesn't negate or (can't come up with the right word here)'make smaller/lighter' the hurt and pain he was inflicting. Never really thought of it that way....I think I might need to revisit my past and deal with some of these issues too.
It sounds like you're well on the way to dealing with all the past issues and getting them out of the way! Thank you for taking me along on the journey....certainly opening my eyes to a few things I had buried along the way! :)
Glad I can be at help, and it's always nice with a travel companion.
But it sure is a strange journey! It's almost impossible to predict how long it'll take to cover a certain distance, or how difficult it's going to be. From the starting point it might seem like there's no ending in sight, and that disturbance will follow all way long. Then all of a sudden you recognize the backside of a familiar edge, and you see the daylight - you're heading home!
That's the beauty of such an odyssey; there are no maps or coordinates, and the only way is to remember where home is. And we all know where that is, right?
Actually had a moment of clear sight and fair wind today, and it was magnificent. I caught my bearings and are now steadily cruising forward.
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