I'm Slowly Caving In - I think

I've been told so many times now, that the only logical and sensible thing to do when I've finished my bachelor is to move on to the next step, which is taking a master degree as well. So far I have been very reluctant; I haven't been able to picture myself going through all that, thinking that it would be the thing that'll finally send me straight to the loony ward. But it might not be such a bad idea after all?

I said the other day at lunch with my lady friends (who all are ahead of me in the same field - one is just about to finish her master, one has finished hers and got a really good job, and the third is about to start on her doctoral) that I missed out when the ambitious genes and career drives were distributed. But maybe it's something else? Perhaps I do know what I want for my life? Is it only that I got more than my fair share of the "afraid-of-failure" gene?

(I think fear is what's controlling our lives,not that we walk around terrified all day, but the fear of not succeed, the fear of hurting other people, the fear of not be good enough, and so on, truly affects us in so many ways. Lars Fr. H. Svendsen has written a book about the subject, on larger scale of course, but still; fear controls our behavior. What are you afraid of?)

But what has changed now, regarding my studies? Hard to say, really, but maybe it has something to do with general insights about myself? Maybe it's just time to grow up and take responsibility? And respect all those people who actually think I'm quite capable? If they really do care, I'm sure they wouldn't be leading me into something they didn't think I could handle. And I also realize that I probably need at least a master degree to be taken seriously.

From next week I'll be trying a "new" lifestyle - leave home early (well, almost) in the morning, and sit the whole day at the university, reading and writing. Inspired by my fellow students in the "master's office", as I'm granted a space there. Seems like that's the way it should go, then...

Demining

I thought I'd pick up on yesterday's theme and introduce another metaphor/analogy for the human mind, which is sort of related to the previous. And obviously it came to me while I did what I so often do - reflect on my own behavior and reactions.

There was an image I came across, while browsing through the "My Picture" folder in search for something else, that for a moment made me both happy and tearful at the same time. In short, there was a wave of emotions that hit so hard I could feel it through my whole body. But I also noticed a change in me; had this happened a year ago, I'd probably let that wave carry me away to a place where I couldn't have stopped crying, all drenched in sorrow and sadness. The reaction now though was a little different.

I simply couldn't allow myself to be that hurt again, it just takes so much energy. And it's not very constructive. But I couldn't help but wonder if this was a sign that I was getting cold and disillusioned, or could it be healthy sign? Had I simply learned a new strategy? I saw that avoiding triggers like these was much like staying clear of land mines.

Imagine your mind as your country, where you're a citizen. Every letdown, every bad thing that ever happened to, lies buried just underneath the ground surface at the outskirts of your consciousness, ready to go off at any second. Anything that provokes a memory can activate the mechanisms and set off an explosion of turmoil and agonizing feelings, that inhibits you and keeps you from moving on. So how to navigate a safe path through this mental minefield? Or do we have to in the first place?

Why, I think we do. Keeping in line with the analogy, these mines are denying us access from certain areas, and acts like a barrier stopping us from be truly at peace in our minds. You see, there's freedom beyond that danger zone.

Decomp

Hola, and now a deep breath! I've probably just been diving a little too deep lately, and as you know there's then need for scheduled decompression stops while ascending to the surface. But I'd also like to dwell a little on that metaphor; diving that is. I think that when we speak about diving and going deep as an analogy for human mental activity, we often tend to associate that with something negative, like being depressed or feeling down. And something you're "dragged" into; something that's beyond your control.

Not necessarily.

First, if it's your decision, if you plan to dive, you'll need to be prepared. Safety is of the utmost importance when it comes to diving, for obvious reasons - you're coming up again! Depending on the motives for diving (recreational, commercial, military, rescue, scientific, technical, et.c) you're getting trained and equipped accordingly, but it's all about control. No matter if you're wreck diving, hunting for long lost treasures from Spanish galleons or if you're working as a North Sea oil diver, you'll have to have the acquired skill and expertise to accomplish your task. Even the "philosophical diver" I met a few years back, needed to keep track of time and his air supply. His favorite dive was to only descended about 15 meters, find a nice flat rock, lie on his back and watch the sun spread its rays through the water. He also grew his own marijuana which he used to smoke or bake into chocolate cakes, but I'm pretty sure he never combined the two; drugs and diving.

So when I say I've been diving, I think it has been a controlled dive, taking necessary precautions to reach the surface without getting the bends. And what a wonderful time that is to contemplate and reflect on life, all surrounded by vast waters and silence.

Yet Another Twisted & Distorted Perspective

Jazzy Night

Correction - Controlmode Is Off

They say the road is made while you're walking, and now I must say I really enjoy the walk, although I'm not sure where it's going. But I can see the direction, and I'm humble towards my "guides". I'll have confidence that the road is safe and I'm not that afraid anymore. And I'm finally getting to the state I've been picturing myself in for so long - a calmer me, who's breathing more relaxed.

Joy.

And there's plenty to share.

Me? Control Freak? Not Any More! Yeah Right...

For me writing is a necessity, and something I do for several reasons. It's a way of dealing with everyday life, and to air my, sometimes erratic, thoughts. This blog is a rather handy tool for that; I can publish whatever I want, and see what response I get, if any. What you might not be aware of is what happens behind the curtains? I usually read through my posts again, as I'm quite often think about what I've been writing and then suddenly get the idea that I've missed something, didn't explain myself properly or maybe offended someone. And if I then feel that something should or shouldn't be the way it is, I simply edit it. My blog, my writing and it's in my control.

Now, there's a keyword - control. I've become more and more aware that I really am a control freak, and that's something I'd like to work on. (No, I'm not changing, we agreed on that, I'd rather call it improvement.) There's so many ways to control, that I didn't quite understand that that was exactly what I was trying to do. But control also goes hand in hand with fear, and the fear of being vulnerable and hurt can make you do the strangest things. Like editing my own blog...

So, as a step in my own therapy program "becoming a better me" I did some writing again, but this time I put it on real paper, stuck it in an envelope and sent it away. No chance for seconds thoughts there, and it's beyond my control. Interesting feeling, I must say.

Just a few notes on changing vs. improving:

Think of yourself as a computer program, that's updated regularly to meet the publics expectations, and for optimum performance on many systems with different specifications. In other words - we don't want to change what the program is supposed to be doing, but we want it do it better, faster and more efficiently. Without any bugs that might cause a collapse in the system sooner or later.

Healing Hands

Earlier this summer Princess Märtha "came out of the closet" and said she believed in angels, talked to them for help and guidance, and that she now was starting a school so others could learn to do the same. The word around the community of people, who for long have been healers and believers of alternative methods of therapy, was that "Finally! Maybe this at last can be accepted as serious?". With someone as highly profiled and important as our Princess (even with the rest of her family supporting her), saying she was open and even very much involved in spirituality, it would make easier also for the "common man" to continue their work without getting ridiculed. And of course that more people would follow the ideas.

Well, my reasons for attending a course to learn the Angelos Method has nothing to do with Märtha's opinions. In fact, my first reaction was that now I didn't want to tell anyone was I was doing, like my interest in healing somehow was spurred on by a desire of somehow connect to the Royals? (You might have guessed that I'm not much in favor of monarchy, and sometimes I even think I'm maybe an anarchist, without adjectives, in the line of Voltairine de Cleyre? But that's a totally different issue...) But after this weekend I don't really care what people think of my "strange" activities, and any reasons I might have doing them. But just to set the record straight, I've been leaning towards this long before Märtha spoke out...

The point is; I'm still the skeptical, still the one wanting proof for any supernatural phenomena, and always having a critical voice within me asking "Is this possible?". But I've come to the conclusion for now, that it totally doesn't matter if angels are "real" or not, it doesn't matter if it's just placebo effect when you get better after a healing treatment, and it doesn't matter whether seeing someone's aura could be explained with the laws of physics. It doesn't matter at all, 'cause that's not important. For what's important are the results.

First; if it works, it works - why ask for explanations? I've also understood something else this weekend: When you truly understand the whole concept there's no need or desire to impose it on others, it'll spread naturally. But don't you agree - could there really be any harm in all people letting go of hostility, stop placing guilt and learning to take responsibility for their own feelings and actions? And (yeah, I know, it might sound sloppy...), live in love, peace and harmony?

Alzheimer Light?

When reading through the post from last night, I see that I somewhere on the way almost forgot the point. Not totally, but there was a very important aspect missing, and I feel that needs to be paid some attention.

You see, my friend asked me if I could help her out a little with that talk. Just listen to her, and read through the text with "fresh eyes". Possible inconsistencies are sometimes hard to see when your too close to your own work, and reading from a different angle I might be able to find them. (Which make me think, perhaps I should have a critic and a proof-reader...) Anyway, the plan was only to meet for a coffee and a "quick" look through the text, and then I'd go meet my youngest daughter at the bank by 4 pm, and then home. But the discussions around the subject was so immensely interesting, and we got so caught up that "time stopped". So after setting up that youth-account for my daughter, me and my friend sat down at a small Chinese restaurant, had dinner and talked, and then opened up her laptop to start work again.

And what happened yesterday is a good example of how spending time in the present, in a positive environment, and "think lovely wonderful thoughts" will "lift you up in the air". Metaphorically speaking, of course, three glasses of wine doesn't make me that dizzy. But the point is that before we met, we both were a little worried and troubled in our minds. She was naturally anxious about the talk, and was also quite fed up with whole thing, having spent long hours working on it. I have had a couple of lousy weeks, doubting most things, and perhaps myself the most.

We sat at the restaurant for about 5 hours, but it could have been 5 seconds or 5 years. When we finally entered the street again, it was like stepping into another world, and I felt JOY. Just for being, not dependent on any outer factors.

And that was the point.

Happy Thoughts

In the play/novel Peter Pan by J. M. Barrie, Peter is teaching the three Darling siblings, Wendy, John and Michael to fly, but as the narrator in the novel says: "Of course Peter had been trifling with them, for no one can fly unless the fairy dust has been blown on him." So, in the novel are the children actually flying by magic, and this is the way they're tricked:

"You just think lovely wonderful thoughts," Peter explained,
"and they lift you up in the air."

Real life is not like this, it's the other way round, and I try to live by it. Magic is not real, but "Happy thoughts" can make reality magical, and I think the last day's events are proof of that. Let me start with my friend's talk, which she's about to hold next month.

My friend is asked to talk about "Joy and positive thinking, and how that can contribute to bring out the best in people, and help us tackle every day's challenges." Or something like that. Yea, yea, we've heard it before, what's the news? Well, not much maybe, but that's why it's so brilliant. It's simplicity. And to be honest - even if most people know that it helps to be positive, not many really know how to achieve it, do they? It's like any other activity; just because I recognize a soccer ball it doesn't mean I can play the game.

The whole talk (and our fabulous day discussing it) is obviously too long to repeat here and now, but there's an essence which I'd like to point out. We might not be in charge of what life has to offer, but we can take control of our reactions to it. And another thing - how many times have you heard that it's important to live in the present? But do you know how to do that? That's where commitment to the moment comes in, and an openness and willing to experience the smallest detail.

Yesterday is gone, and tomorrow is not here yet, so what's left is today, and that's life! I can hear the more rational people, or at least what they are according to themselves, ring their warning bells: "You have to take responsibility, you have to plan for the future! You can't just live life as if there's no tomorrow!" Believe me, that's not what it's about. It's so demanding to be that attentive to the moment, that I don't think it's possible for a sane person to stay that way for a very long time. You soon start to worry about next day's meeting or what to wear for the party, but having time like that, when time stops, gives you such pleasure, that it'll last and spread to others.

And thinking positive - what is that exactly? For one is not saying yes to everything, as some might think. It's more in terms of omitting that nasty and negative word not. It seems like our brains have some difficulties in recognizing that word for what it is, and more pay attention to the object. The energy you put in not wanting ridiculous work hours, quarrels with your spouse or a pimple on your nose at the worst time, seems to go straight to exactly that, and you end up with the things you didn't want.

Positive thinking is visualizing your dreams and goals. Try picture yourself in a situation you would like to be. If your relationship isn't working, how would it look like if it was OK?

Anyway, this has slowly brought me back to the beginning of the day. Before that very engaging coffee date with my friend, which actually lasted through the whole day, with lunch, dinner, three glasses of wine and more coffee, I had made a little wish. Just a simple wish, nothing too demanding I think, but you could say it worked! (See last post under here. Got both a hug and a power tool...) Maybe it was just me, but that moment was very now, and that's all that matters at the end of the day, isn't it?

From Last Night's Post

I guess there's no real danger admitting what I want (read need?) right now, and that's a HUG! And a big one too...

I also want/need something far more prosaic, and that's a drilling machine! I'm about to put up a new shelf in the bathroom, and the walls are made of concrete. Now I kind of regret that I was "nice" and didn't take the power tools with me when I moved out.

Bound

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Swedish Meatballs

The IKEA trip was fine, but I didn't eat any meatballs. I must admit that I never do that actually. Eat meatballs at IKEA I mean. Being Swedish with a somewhat discriminating palate makes it "impossible" to enjoy the IKEA kind, or any other frozen or vacuum packed from the shops. Well, I guess that you could find some that might pass as alright; you know the type, a little pricier and "gourmet" style? But the ready made that you usually find in Sweden are too small and too hard.

I want them just like my grandmother used to make them, but that's not option as they're not available any longer, so to speak. And here in Norway it's a lot trickier to get the right ingredients, if I want to make them myself. But it can be done, and I'd love to cook up a Swedish meal and serve it the way it should be served. With beer and everything, which I also so conveniently have a few boxes of in the fridge. Directly imported from the enemy land...

Going Home

My car is running again, thanks to a new battery. And though I need to take the car to the shops and do some maintenance I still drive it. Very carefully. So after today's lecture at the university I'll take my oldest daughter to IKEA; I thought I'd buy another section of Träby to fill up with books and other stuff. Like my sewing machine, as of now is sitting on the floor under the stairs, trapping dust.

It's funny with IKEA really, and maybe it's only 'cause I'm Swedish, but I believe it's very familiar. I've had IKEA furniture of some kind around me for whole my life - I think I jumped down from my first IKEA kiddie's wardrobe when I was five. (Used to make steps out of the drawers, climb to the top, and jump down again. And again. And again...)

And then there's the "cheap" lunch, which is sort of compulsory. With coffee, of course.

But the most important thing about it all, is that I'll spend a few precious hours with my daughter who is moving away in a couple of weeks. "Home" to Sweden. The land of meatballs and flat packed book cases...