-What are you doing here? This early?
That was Toril twenty minutes ago; met her at the car park. Now, she's always up early, bright and shiny, ready to work long before the birds are singing. I haven't been down here for ages, let alone at this hour. But not only am I here, apparently I look fresh and perky as well. That's a first. It might be some truth in what she said next:
-Having your mother here is really doing you well, right?
So, another birthday has passed, and I didn't expect that much out of it, as it wasn't an even number or anything. In that respect every congratulation I received was a plus, which in return turned the whole day into a giant bonus. Nothing extravagant though, but it's good to be remembered. Had a nice meal with my mother and Toril, phone calls, some jolly text messages, and even a recorded Happy Birthday song sent to me. (That one was absolutely awesome...Thank yOu...)
I rounded off the day with some nice cognac, which we (my mom and me) enjoyed from the new glasses I bought.
Wonder if this has been just a waste of time browsing through nearly 2000 news headlines, trying to figure out whether they're referring to hacking or hackers as malignant or not? I hope not, since that is what I've been doing this weekend. Tedious work, but in a screwed way also very relaxing. I don't have to "produce" anything while doing that kind of research.
I handed in the draft on Wednesday, and got feedback the following day, where my supervisor so accurately pointed out that it was a "nice beginning", with emphasis on the latter... I totally agree, what can you expect when you start as late as I do? Anyway, she wanted me to add a little to it before Monday (tomorrow that is), so we'd have something to discuss next time we meet. It's late Sunday now and I think I'll give it a rest. This just simply has to do, and tomorrow I'll celebrate my birthday in style. First by watching my son and the inspection of the Guards in honor of the German Minister of Defense, and after that some wine and a nibble at Molière. My mom's still here, and I think she'll appreciate the place. She'll probably also appreciate a "day off" from waiting up on me. I'm just kidding a little, but she's absolutely fantastic, looking after me and my mind while I'm trying to work. Bless her.
I might get drunk tonight, and that's only because I was told to. Let's rewind.
My son left his phone behind on Tuesday, when I drove him back to the base. As there are several security protocols to be followed there, I had to use my connections to get it back to him somehow. My "man behind the lines" is a very cooperative person, so I scheduled to meet him outside the gate at 1200 hours. I might get a penalty point for not arriving on time, but I was caught in the traffic. Lame excuse, I know, but this time actually true. The major construction work that's going on in connection with "Bybanen" is making the city a bit chaotic.
When I finally got there, he asked me if I'd been inside before. I said no, and he offered me a tour. It's an impressively huge place, with more than 4000 people working or doing their military service there. He drove around the facilities, and showed me a little bit of everything; fantastic vessels and magnificent views. No details, after all, I could be indicted for disclosing classified information. The nice view was seen from the top of a hill, and the way up there is nothing but a nightmare. If you're a soldier that is, and have to run up carrying one of your mates. We had a car. Before we started the crawl uphill he said: Don't be frightened, but it's called "Lovers Walk". (Loosely translated from Norwegian.) Wonder who was scared actually.
A little while later we were back at the gate, and I thanked him for the tour. "That was the short one" he said, and I asked: "Well, how is the long one then?" (Should I pack a picnic basket?)
Later I called him, trying to coordinate things for the handover of my son's phone. I think I was quite incoherent, mixing up the days, and probably talked too fast. As usual. He then suggested I'd get me something to drink. Good idea, and I think I'll listen to that advice. Smart guy, he is. Than again, I'm a smart cookie.
I'm a bitch today, and I kinda like it. Far better than being just sad and miserable. But I'm a sneaky one too, trying not to be too obvious about it.
Had a conversation with my ex-husband this morning, regarding our daughter, who needs some extra attention at the moment. And although he's living in Canada at the moment, of course he should be involved in our daughter's welfare, and I know he wants to be. Or so he says, 'cause there's the problem. From my point of view (I might be wrong) I can't see anything else that than he's not walking the talk, and he seems to be too easily manipulated by his new woman. From day one I have been very understanding, and even wanted to meet her. After all, she was going to be spending time around my kids, and I wanted to take the edge out of it. Well, she wasn't ready for it (!), and she still isn't 5 years later. Anyhow, when I talked to my ex today I didn't say anything derogatory to him personal, we usually have a good tone, but I asked him if he was going to be able to stand up for his kids when he and his "lady" starts to argue and turn everything sour. (This is not me imagining things, he's even told me himself, in addition to what my kids say.) Sorry, you're still wandering about the bitchy part, aren't you? I slipped "self-centered cow" into the conversation about his woman. Ha! Good start, maybe I should get me some leather boots and a whip too?
Thought I'd just do a quick one (yes, those can be OK too...), as I really don't have the time for any extensive blogging right now. On the other hand, it has proven to be useful before when I'm stuck just, to loosen things up a little.
I have now less than 48 hours until deadline for handing in the obligatory draft of my essay, and I'm far away from where I should be. I know it's in my supervisors powers to reject the draft and deny me the rights to take the exams, but I guess that's not in her interest and hopefully she'll let this botch pass anyway.
I'm also far away from where I physically rather would be at this moment, and that is outside. April is my month, and when springtime hits like an old pugilist it seems almost criminal to be locked up in front of this stupid machine. Obviously I'm not in the "hacker spirit", as a true hacker would rather spend any day with his computer... Not that I aspire to be a hacker myself, but my goal with the assignment is to get a grip of his mind somehow.
A question though. No need to answer, it's a rhetorical one: "What's best, having the cognac, but only whisky glasses, or the other way round? To my astonishment I found out yesterday that I left the snifters during the divorce settlement. Probably 'cause the whisky glasses were gifts from my mother. But now I at least know what I want for my birthday.
Did I say "quickie"? I get so easily carried away, but I'll finish this one now all the same. Right in the middle of it.
Living creatures have basic needs which requires satisfaction; if you're hungry you'll get something to eat, and if you're cold you'll put on a sweater. Fairly simple. But what about needs which are dependent on other's approval and participation? Like physical contact? Well, I'm getting better at a lot of things. Now I can even steal hugs and kisses when I need it, as I would food if I didn't have any money. I wouldn't steal affection from anyone though, but this poor man was blindsided by my cheap tricks. Ha, ha. But I guess it couldn't have been all that bad, as he didn't squirm and wriggle too much. And he's a man who's actually everything but pitiable, and I know he's no fool. In short - a real man.
He even gave me a nice moose steak to bring home. Which, my guess is, he brought down himself.
...whatever that is. But yes, if you by home mean the place you're born, then I'm a long way away from it. Then again, looking on a map makes it evident that it's not that far, not like I was living on the other side of the world, or something. But to be able to go home to mom for a cup of coffee and a hug whenever i feel the urge for it; well, yes, that's definitely too far away.
During these 22 years since I moved away, we've been seeing each other quite regularly anyway. We went there once or twice a year, and my mom visited us just as often. We've always had the space for guests, so that wasn't any problem, but things change. The way I've been living for the past years doesn't make it easy to accommodate people for a long time, and besides, the incredibly cheap train ticket has made it possible for me to go "home" more often instead.
Yesterday though, I woke up and really wished my mom could be with us. We're going through some rough patches here, and just to have her around would be so comforting. (Both as a mom and a grandmother.) The wish was so strong I almost grabbed the phone and called to ask her. I didn't though.
But sincere and intense wishes from the bottom of your heart actually can come true, 'cause guess who's coming next week...
I'm not sure if it'll help with my writing, but my mood certainly got a boost. I saw my friend Toril today (correction: yesterday, as I didn't finish this post the same day I started it), and she tried her best to set me straight. I must admit her effort was quite good, and she reminded me of a few things I needed to hear. But there was one metaphor she used that got me thinking.
Now, what she told me was to get into the driving seat. Although it's a good metaphor for taking control over your own situation, and not letting anyone else push you around, I'm not sure I like the consequence of it. 'Cause if you're taking over the wheel, doesn't that mean the previous driver is now left where you didn't want to be? Is that fair? Would you rather be the bully?
But this doesn't make sense, I see that. Of course "the car" is a symbol for your own life, which you should drive yourself, but then again, isn't it kinda sad if we're all driving around alone in our cars? So how can we travel but still be together with other people? Use public transportation!
The problem with trying to expand a metaphor is that you'll sooner or later dig a pit for yourself, and with this one there are several dangers. Like, who's driving the vehicle? How can we avoid unwanted passengers?
Therefore I'd say life isn't an ordinary subway trip under the city's ground, maybe it's more like an adventure bus charter tour? Imagine us all in charge of our own buses, where we decide where we want to go, and we also decide who's allowed on board. (People who are misbehaving are dropped off in the middle of nowhere, preferably in the alps during winter.) Some people organize exotic tours which will take us to far away places, where other's are merely shopping trips to the nearest table cloth factory. To make your charter company a successful one, and leave the passengers wanting to come back to you, you'll have to drive comfortably and safely. The service has to be to everyone's satisfactory, and some entertainment is a plus. A memorable trip with no unpleasant surprises (we just want the exciting ones...), isn't that something we all wish for?
As we can't be behind the wheel 24/7, every driver needs to rest, we can all be tourists and ride along with someone else. If we're lucky maybe we'll bump into that nice couple in seat five and six, from last years trip to Budapest? Or that beautiful woman who sat quietly in the back while we were driving through Provence? If that mysterious man who boarded in Marrakesh last spring suddenly showed up again, now that would be really thrilling.
The experiences we get while traveling with others will all help us on our next trip. Either we're driving our own bus a short trip to a local waterfall, or if we are passengers on a tour to a Mayan temple, we'll know how to make the journey momentous and unforgettable for everyone.
I could on forever here, but I'll better stop here. And of course, this weren't meant to be taken too seriously, it was just an intellectual/philosophical experiment. But I rather like those.
After careful deliberations within my little three men combat group here (consisting of Me, Myself & I), the decision was almost made to try to cut off the information flow from this end. I even had a nice cartoon to go with it:
But as always, I have just one more thing to say. (Maybe I do have a problem to shut the f%=*k up at times?) Anyway, my son is home this weekend and is due back at base tomorrow. He was just on his way out when I asked him: "So, how do you feel to have such a failure for a mother?" My writing isn't going any well, and I feel the hopelessness settle in my body like a bad virus. But my son's answer put everything back in to its right perspective: "You haven't failed as a mum." And when all is said and done, I guess that's one of the most important things, right? I sure don't feel like a success in that department either all the time, but I'll let my kids be the judges. OK, never mind my youngest being a delightful little nutcase, but then again probably only as much as I was one myself as a teenager, and just look how good I turned out? LOL :)
Another thing is that writing in this blog now is better than no writing at all. I've spent the entire day in front of the computer without getting anything useful done, but at least I was able to look at the stuff without falling asleep. Late in the evening I took a shower and realized that what I need is a waterproof PC. Water running down all over your body is both relaxing and invigorating at the same time. Along with being cleansing and purifying. When I'm in the shower I always start to think more freely; must be a combination of the meditative aspect of the soaping and shampooing exercise, and the running water itself. Now I was thinking about the paper I'm supposed to write, or rather the things I'd like to write about instead. There's no time to change the subject now, I'll have to stick with what I've got, but if I had more time and inspiration there are so many things I'd like to explore.
How well are medical diagnostic programs working? Have they changed the success rate for diagnosing illnesses? How is playing computer games affecting soldier's behaviors and attitudes? And the one I was thinking about last year: what impact are computers and digital media having on research communication?
Big yawn! Think I'll have to get a few hours of sleep anyway, before I'll drive my son to base early in the morning. Or late night...
Morning update: 4 hours of sleep is waaayyy to little. I suddenly remembered I have a lecture today at noon, and therefore had to drive to the university directly after dropping off my son. So here I am, desperately longing for my white sheets and goose down pillow and seriously considering to take a nap crouching over the desk. Still over 2 hours until I can get a coffee around here...
Had a few minutes to spare yesterday before lecture, and decided to pay my friend Toril a quick visit. She finished her master's at UiB a year ago and is now working at the same institution, so after giving her a hug I asked her to talk to me like I was one of her students. "So, where do you wanna go?" she said. Oh, that's right; she's a coordinator for international relations. "Paradise" I answered. We had a laugh, but she also understood my real problem. How on earth am I going to get this done? She's been with me for long enough to know me and my habits, and sharply pointed out that my "best" work usually is done late at night, so why change that now? Now, when I really need to be productive? I guess time will come soon enough when I’ll have to fit into the regular 9 to 5, and that won’t be a problem, but trying to ignore my body’s signals at this moment probably isn’t the smartest. For a long time now I’ve had this idea that I should wake up early, head down to the university, and then work like crazy until late afternoon. Like normal people. But I’ve been a nocturnal creature for too long now to change that overnight (!), better off doing that when I’m not under pressure. As it is now I only get stressed when I "fail" every morning, and that sort of sets the day.
So, that’s one thing I can deal with myself, but what about circumstances which are out of my control? I can only hope for no nasty surprises the next few month, and that everyone around me is behaving the best. Sorry, that wasn’t nice at all, almost rude I’d say. I can’t expect people to take any extra considerations just because I’m in the midst of a stressful time. Just pray with me that I'll stay sane enough to carry this one through.
Every night for the past two months or so I've had a visitor. I can't see him, but I hear him, and he must have been trying to tell me something. I'm no expert but my guess is that it's a Strix aluco, and if I join him I'll be a night owl too. For now that is. When summer's here I'll once again go outside with a cup coffee, long before everyone else is up. Listen to the other early birds and enjoy the first warming rays of sunlight in serenity.
Jokes are traveling around the world faster than ever. They're translated into every possible language, and spread at the speed of light via different media technologies such as SMS, E-mail and websites. Here's one I got from my brother, a very trusty source (does he ever work?):
Brother John entered the "Monastery of Silence" and the Abbott said,
"Brother, this is a silent monastery; you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for five years before the Abbott said to him, "Brother John, you have been here five years now; you may speak two words."
Brother John said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbot said. "We will get you a better bed."
After another five years, Brother John was called by the Abbott. "You may say another two words, Brother John."
"Cold food," said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again call Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."
"I quit," said Brother John.
"It is probably best, you've done nothing but complain since you got here."
The woman to the man after having sex:
"Oh darling, the sensation is fantastic with these rugged condoms!"
The man replies:
"They're not rugged. You're just so bloody ugly I get goosebumps..."
