The One About Love

Why is it, that it's so god damn difficult to keep a relationship going? Going well, that is.

Been thinking about this for a long time, and I have also touched upon the subject on numerous occasions before. But now it seemed ever so important, and if you feel targeted reading this, you're absolutely right! Although I'm aiming at everyone here. Including myself; I'm no better.

Of course I'm not the only one wondering about these questions, and in the paper this morning I found someone had beat me to it. His angle was a Christian one, preaching Jesus' words - do good without expecting nothing in return. But it's my line of thinking too, even if I don't involve religion. Loving someone isn't worth anything if it has to be on someones terms. Let's look at how we love children and animals... (Or how most of us do, but I'll leave that for now.)

We love our children unconditionally. If they "fail" we excuse them, they being too young to know better. We love them for their funny exclamations at family dinners, we love them for making Sunday breakfast even if the kitchen looks like ground zero. We love them no matter what, and don't expect them to love us back! But we are at the same time responsible for their upbringing, we are the ones who should teach them manners and how to be descent people. Maybe you think that's the difference to the love between two adults in a relationship? We shouldn't try to teach each other, right? Telling what you should or shouldn't do. Stop right there! It's exactly the same thing, just reverse it. The best upbringing you could give your children isn't by telling them the rules, constant admonishing them about the dangers of life. No, just live your own life well, be a role model, and reassure them with your unconditional love. That'll make them ready for life. And they'll probably love you for it.

The thing is that we somehow take the kids for granted, perhaps counting on blood being thicker than water. Maybe not so good, one should never take anyone for granted, but at least it replaces the fear. And here we are, at the most dominating factor ruling our lives. The Fear.

Most of the time we are not aware of the fear. As it could be a paralyzing state of emotion, we are conditioned to repress it and project the feeling onto something (or someone) else. The fear of getting hurt will then be an impediment for possible happiness. This is the time we make up all these more or less see through excuses for not getting involved or committed.

Some people are so afraid that they won't even try to get close to someone. They could die without ever being kissed. Others try, and they try a lot! Jumping from one fling to another at the speed of light, fleeing the stage as soon as the alarm bell sets off. "Whaaah, whaaah, whaaah! Feelings are coming! (Andhowunbelievablysadyou'regonnagetwhenheleavesyou!) Not worth the risk! Get the hell out of here!" Others again might have been in a long relationship, one which they had all the hopes for. Might have been a real long one too. For some reason it ended, resulting in a sharp pain which seemed best not to deal with. Next time something even remotely resembling a relationship arise, the escape route is already planned to follow.

The reasons for being afraid varies, but let's just say "children hurt easily"... Then when they grow up they have most likely forgotten all painful episodes, but learned a whole set of defense mechanisms to keep them protected from ever experiencing that pain again. Like I said, these mechanisms aren't conscious, 'cause no one likes the idea that they're scared. Perhaps men the least, being taught from their childhood to be brave and control their feelings. "Stop crying, boy!"

Now, just to make it clear, I'm no better here. I have merely made some reflections, and perhaps understood a thing or two. But I'm just as scared as you. The very thought of saying "I love you" makes me absolutely terrified. Even if I don't expect anything. No obligations. No catches. Nothing to fear. Imaging how easily I used to express my love when I was married, but if I'm honest I remember now I only said it when I felt safe it would be returned! (Which wasn't very often, I must admit.)

I'm not sure I liked the way this post turned, but it's probably how it should be, so I'm leaving it as it is. Training not to be a ScaredyCat...