Lost For Words

I'm speechless, wordless, numb, I'm done. The semester is over and I think I need a couple of hours (!) to recuperate, before my brain can start to work again. I'll take a few days off, and try to do something fun!

Anyone for tennis?

Cinnamon!

The world of blogging is quite remarkable. You never know what will be a story or not. One of the blogs I read (actually I don't read that many) is Angela Thomas'. The other day she wrote a short post from USA where she is at the moment, and she made a note of the fact that they seem to be using cinnamon in almost everything over there. I wrote a comment, as well as a lot of others did, and just by coincidence the following day I read in the magazine from "Norway Post" that they this year have issued stamps with cinnamon smell. Actually real, "baked" into the top coat of the stamp. Isn't that a delicious idea!

It's going to be interesting to see how this cinnamon story develops...

Empty Head

Sunday morning, and my head is empty. But I hope it's in a good way. You see, I went out last night with a friend of mine, we both decided we could use some time off from the books and papers. So we dressed up a little and caught a bus.

As this is "Christmas Party"-time people tend to get really crazy out there. The city is filled with frustrated men and women who eat too much, drink too much, commit far too much adultery and everything in between, and all on that single day of the year when their employer pays for the dinner. And some people are just as annoying as they are most days.

But don't misunderstand me here, we didn't get caught up in all that. Me and my friend are experienced enough to avoid all that commotion and found a few places where the music was low enough to let us keep a conversation going. And there we sat. Drinking a couple of beers, and laidback watched the circus. Still, beer is beer, and that's why I'm a bit emptyheaded this morning. Hopefully I can fill the emptiness with work and not all those other things that usually preoccupies my mind. Stay out today, please?!?

Safe Landing?

Hey? Where did the wind go? Where's my updraft? Give me just a little bit more so I don't fall to the ground too soon. I'm losing hight rapidly, and I don't wanna hit the rocks. Please? Only a gust?

High as a kite

This is almost alarming, but I am in a tremendously good mood, in spite of having a deadline on Thurday and then another one the week after that. It feels like I have all the time in the world, and I know I don't. It's not that I don't care, but I believe my essays are just about good enough to pass the censor. (I wonder if I get extra points if I mark the weak spots in red, 'cause I do know where they are...) What's more important to me is that I've learned a lot that won't show on my exam, knowledge that I will bring forward.

So what happened here, then? I mean, last week I was a nervous wreck, who didn't think I could make it even if I sat in front of the computer 24/7. To top it off, it became evident that there had been some miscommunication between my daughter and myself. In an effort (I think) to spare me, 'cause she knew I had a lot to do, I didn't get the note from school which declared that I had to bake 50 nicely decorated gingerbreadhearts and 3 Christmas logs, exquisitely packed and ready for sale. All this I found out on Friday, and the schools fair was on Sunday. Now my study weekend was pretty much lost, there was baking to do, and oops, my daughter had a basketball game on Saturday, had to drive her there - the father was of course not available, and then the actual fair inclusive a 3 hour duty. And you know me, was it good enough to wrap the bloody bread in some foil? Nooo, I had to open up PhotoShop and design some exclusive labels to print out and stick on the bags. They did sell very quickly, though, while the burned one in cheap plastic foil didn't. (Losers...)

It's interesting how I seem to relate everything I do lately to that old freak Freud, just because I've been raeding some of his works this semester, but I realized when I had the choice of fulfilling my obligations to other (my daughter, the school and the fair) or my obligations to myself (and in the end the finances) I rather did the first instead of just take the critisism. They surely wouldn't have put me to jail or anything... I usually twist myself really hard to see that I do what is expected of me, and why? Just so I can say I'm good, and doing the right thing? (And I don't steal other peoples parking lots!)

The reason for my high spirits might be as simple I have recieved a few compliments from various unexpected sources. There's actually written "proof" that I'm wonderful! I wasn't so sure about that, but the more you hear it... Don't give me to much, though, I'll probably end up all too conceited!

Einsteins Wife

It never seizes to amaze me how many things I don't know, that I perhaps should know. Today I read in the paper about Albert Einsteins (first) wife Mileva Maric, and to be honest I have never actually paid any attention to Einstein himself more than what he's most famous for: being a genius responsible for the Theory of Relativity (which made the nuclear bomb possible) and so on. That he in fact was a living man with needs and desires hasn't really struck my mind. But he was. And moreover, he was married too, although not very happily. Considering he would have been diagnozed with Asperger's syndrom according to a recent theory, that last statement is no wonder.

But what about this Mileva then? There are quite a few out there who believe she was very much in on the work with her husbands famous theory, and some say she actually was co-signer on the original paper. Without doubt she was a very intelligent woman, who sacrified her career for taking care of her family. Sound familiar? What I'm about to say now might annoy any hardcore feminists out there, but I'm not so sure we should blame it all on the men. Because I think we women not always need any men to hold us back and push us down. We're so good at doing that ourselves! Without assistance.

We do so many crazy things when we're in love, and one of them is sometimes to adapt far too easily to what we think might be the best for the relationship. What we think, notice that. I must stress that I'm speaking on general terms here, what I described here is obviously not always the case. I'm merely pointing to the fact that it's not easy being a man either. We made it hard for them, since we made the fight for independence and equal rights our fight. Whenever a man is complaining for being treated unfairly (and they do get treated unfairly), we don't want to hear. We seem to have given ourselves the unconditional rights to be the only allowed to complain.

I know I stuck my head into to a beehive here, and I'm not sure I'm ready for it. Maybe I'm not woman enough...

I know

Belated Summer Holiday

That's what happens when your life is turned upside down, you have to take your summer holiday in the midst of December. Any Aussies reading this won't necessarily find anything strange with that considering they're upside down all the time. From my point of view, anyway. But I guess that's what life is all about - realizing that not everyone has the same perspective as you do.

OK, back to my little vacation. In only 12 short days the semester, and with that my academic struggles, will be over for this year, and I'm planning to leave the area then. Just a few weeks ago I was so down I wanted to run away from everything, and simply told my ex-husband he had to see to that the youngest daughter were going to be taken care of for the first two weeks of December. Simply as that. (I'm getting an awful lot better at standing up for myself and my rights.) I sat there all wrapped up in self pity and wondered if anyone would miss me if I left without telling. So while I was trying to write on my essay, at the same time my mind was all around the world. I had this incredible luxurious feeling of unlimited options, where would I go? First I thought of going to Australia to meet friends I haven't seen for ages, but two weeks is on the shorter side. KL was an option too, but that is also a bit far away for only a fourtnight. And as it turned out, my friends there are actually moving back to Norway in time for Christmas. So where, then? Mauritius? Madagascar? Cap Verde? A remote island in the Carribean? Too far away, and besides, those places I wanna go with someone.

Then I turned my face North and thought of Svalbard, but it is probably the wrong time of the year. Now where? For some people the most obvious thing would be to catch a last minute trip to the sun, but no, not me, everything has to be really special, and I need something more than a semi clean beach and cheap margaritas. OK, should I stay in Norway then, go on a SPA vacation and get pampered all over? Sounded quite nice, but still a little bit too predictible. I also thought of renting a hut or small house by the sea, and let the rain and storms clear my mind. I even checked out a few on the Internet, but it costed almost as much as going to Cuba. Another of my ideeas, which in the back of my mind I knew never would be carried out, was to pack my backpack and WALK and just see how far I could get in ten days. Most likely to the nearest coffeehouse in the city.

In any of these cases my plan was not to tell anyone (except for my mum and dad, I know they would have worried), I wanted so much to be missed. Sick, right? Then I burst the balloon by telling about my plans to the only one I didn't wanna tell. But it felt good, and I might still go somewhere, but only 'cause I need it and not to make a drama out of it.

Tonight I thought about the best place ever to explore, somewhere I've been before, but there still seems to be endless of unmarked territories and hidden treasures to discover. It's not that easy to get there, but I have found a rewarding way of doing it.

I think I'm going to spend two weeks of writing. I think I'm gonna write my way into my mind, and out of my confusion.

Caught!

Writing this makes it obvious I'm not totally sticking to my plan of working on the essays days and nights. Not that I don't need to, but I also have to breath a little. Today I went downtown to meet Jill for supervision. As I entered her office I approached her desk and lay my head down:

-Bring the sword mylady, and put me out of my misery! I'm guilty of all charges.

She didn't, she was nice to me as always, blessed queen!

After that I went to the bookstore and ordered a copy of my own of Identity: a reader, a book I'm sure will be a nice companion in times to come. While I wait I can read the one I borrowed from the library.

Warning (or a relief?)

Some of my friends used to be a little worried when they read my blog, with all it's darkness, and I told them: "It's when I'm not writing at all, you need to worry. Putting my feelings into words works like a safety valve." I think they understood, and now if the blog hasn't been updated for three or four days, I sometimes get a anxious voice in the other end of the phone, hesitantly asking: "Are you allright?"

Yeah, I'm allright, but for the next few weeks I'll probably won't have that much time to write anything except for my papers. So don't fetch the straight jacket just yet, I'll be back...

In the meantime my nifty little JavaScript will help you count the days to X-mas.

Mind Challenging

I delivered one of my essays today, and took the rest of the day off, just spending time with my oldest daughter. To make the day even better I rounded it off with a dinner and a movie in the evening. (Not with my daughter, though.)

My friend and me really couldn't make our minds up, there were a few films we wanted to see but we were too late for them. The decision fell upon Tsui Harks Seven Swords, and I'm glad for that. It's quite remarkable how violence can be so esthetically appealing, and I find that a bit disturbing for my peace of mind. We agreed upon that this movie wouldn't have worked if it had been produced through the Hollywood machinery. The colours, the language, the faces, all of that were so much more interesting than had it been american. Also, as americans tend to be quite hypocritical when it comes to love and sex, they seldom now how to portray that in a believable way. Usually too much of everything. This director was so confident and sure, that he could make the tension almost force itself right out of the screen without any need for overexplicit details.

Absolutely not a film for everyone, but I enjoyed it, and I believe all that violence contrasted the subtlety of the love and hope so well, that I think I will rember the good feelings in the movie rather than the bad. As in real life.

Broken

What Will They Tax Next?

I'm currently exploring 43Things as part of one of my assignments. I came across MissOtter and her inspiring goals. I took the liberty of a little cut&paste from one of her entries:

The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% the time it is hanging round unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.

Effective March 1st, 1999, your penis will be taxed according to size. The tax brackets are as follows:

10 – 12” $30.00 Luxury Tax
8 – 10” $25.00 Pole Tax
5 – 8” $15.00 Privilege Tax
4 – 5” $10.00 Nuisance Tax

Males exceeding 12” must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!

IRS are still waiting for answers for the following questions:

* Are there penalties for early withdrawals?
* What if one’s penis is self employed?
* Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
* Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes?
* Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?

Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Service

Revelation

Now that's a popular word these days, but I had one today which I thought I'd share.

This morning I decided to go for a long overdue ride on my bike, but I found the bike outside with almost flat tyres. Ok, walking it is, I thought, 'cause I was still determined to move that sluggish body a little. Since I haven't lived here for very long I don't know the area too well, and therefore I just tried to work my way down to the supermarket the best I could (needed more espresso coffee beans). I know there's a path right through the woods but I knew it would be wet and slippery so I didn't dare to go down there. Instead I thought I'd find a road, and also it would be a longer walk. Good exercise, you know. I found a road, but with a dead-end. And another. Finally I was getting somewhere only to find that I had to make a decision. Going down I had almost to risk my life (exaggerating, but still), there was this really steep cliff. If I went up, I would actually be on my way back home again, which made feel a bit guilty for being lazy. My mind debated a little and I started climbing with the excuse that I really didn't have time for anything else but writing anyway.

A few moments later I found this swing hanging from a tree and I felt a strong urge to use it. But was it strong enough? I held on to it and pulled down cautiously to try the weight, then I slipped and was hanging in free air! The swing was holding my weight and I had a go, only a tad anxious to be discovered playing like a child in the woods. After that I continued up, and realized that the swing was just one part of a much larger playground. In front of me was this beautiful playground built with natural material on spot. The revelation was that this place is actually right down my window but I didn't see it from my regular view. Now that I now it's there, I can both see it and use it if I want to...

It's Time Now

As my essays are far from finished (to be honest, some of them I haven't even started on yet) it's about time to get in the swing of it. These last days my thinking has at least been quite cooperative, and I have now almost too many topics to choose from. One of the assignments is about virtual communities, and I find that to be a very interesting phenomenon. Angela Thomas has written a very good text on that subject, and reading it made me think of the mechanisms that come in to function when you're exposing yourself on the net. I think it has a lot to do with identity, and how we want to present ourselves. And also (obviously, since I'm reading Freud this semester) the net is the perfect place to explore and express your hidden desires. Let's say you're a fairly stable person with not that extreme need nor ability for fantasies and imagination, what you leave behind on the internet will most likely be fairly recognizible as yours, but out there in cyberspace there are a lot of, and I mean innumerable, examples of people who uses various approaches in disguising themselves. For very different reasons I must add. Many, and possibly me in the scrutiny of self analyze, just takes the opportunity to adjust the reality a little simply by holding back the more undesirable traits, in an attempt to look, well, good. And others have far more sinister agendas. In pretending to be something else you can just as easily as in real life gain someones trust and then betray them in one way or the other - or even worse! Recommended reading: Rape In Cyberspace by Julian Dibbell