Poor Thing...

Halfway To Total Failure

Posting to the blog is often done in stages, and the reasons for saving the posts instead of publishing them straight away varies. Some of them I'm just not satisfied with, other times I'm simply too much of a coward.

Yesterday I started on this one, just to let you know I'm a failure, as I didn't manage that assignment due tomorrow. But I wasn't at all pleased with it, so I didn't post it. Just as well, I think.

Still not pleased, but since yesterday I've got some valuable advice, which put this in another perpective.

I'm not a failure just because I fail an exam. Have to hold on to that thought...

Interpretation

I made a little search online, and there were several dream dictionaries available. If you approach this "serioulsy", you know that each symbol can't be interpreted as a single phenomenon, but has to be taken into the interpretation of the whole dream. And I have also learned that not only are the symbols in themselves significant, but maybe even more important are your own feelings and reactions towards the events of the dream.

Cut&Paste from various "Dream Dictionaries", with my own comments:

"Cello: Seeing or hearing a cello in your dream, represents sensual or creative achievements. You are exhibiting much strength and stability." This was from a preceding event in the dream. With me at the top of the stairs there was this aristochratic woman in a quartet, playing the cello.

"Castle: Seeing a castle in your dream means reward, honor, recognition, and praise for your achievements. It foretells that your future will be a happy one, surrounded by the love of your children, generosity of neighbors, and comfort of friends. You are destined to a position of power, wealth, and prestige. Dreaming that you live in a castle means your need for security and protection to the point where you may be isolating yourself from others." So what does it mean then, that I didn't see the castle? It was behind me, and I "knew" it wasn't mine?

"Carriage: To see horses pulling vehicles, denotes wealth with some incumbrance, and love will find obstacles."

"Driveway: Seeing or driving up to a driveway in your dream, symbolizes an end to your journey. It also represents security and rest. Alternatively, it indicates your path toward achieving inner peace finding your spirituality." Sounds good, but taking the emotions into account really does set in another perspective. It clearly wasn't me coming to that end. But boy I wish it was true; security, rest and inner peace.

"Curtains: Dreaming that you are shutting the curtains means secrecy and a repression of thoughts. You are concealing a personal matter or an aspect of yourself. On the other hand, to dream that you are opening the curtains indicates that you are ready to reveal something hidden." The curtains here were something I only observed, I neither shut nor opened any. But something's revealed, that's for sure. A clue might be ...

"The color yellow: Happiness or a positive outlook. To dream about golden yellow can mean you're feeling blessed. Yellow can also represent fear or cowardess." To me, in this case the latter meanings makes more sense. Fear of the unknown, the hidden?

"Garden: A formal garden may symbolize order or symmetry; following the rules."

"Dress: Seeing or wearing a dress in your dream, represents a feminine outlook or feminine perspective on a situation. You are freely expressing your femininity. Dreaming that you are wearing a white dress, suggests that you want to appear pure and angelic toward others." Again, it wasn't me wearing the dress. So it's a wish then?

"Weather: Dreaming about the weather means your emotional state of mind." This is where I get really puzzled. If the following symbolic interpretations are saying something about my mind, I'd be happy. But as I said yesterday, strongest feeling I had while dreaming, was that it wasn't mine. That wonderful day, with sunshine and warmth, didn't belong to me.

"Summer: Dreaming about summer, represents growth, knowledge and maturity. You are showing tolerance and expanding your realm of understanding."

"Sunshine: Dreaming of sunshine indicates that you are experiencing some sort of emotional or situational breakthrough. You are headed on the right track."

"Stairs: Dreaming that you are walking up a flight of stairs indicates that you are achieving a higher level of understanding. You are making progress into your spiritual/emotional/material journey. It also represents material and thoughts that are coming to the surface. Dreaming that you are walking down a flight of stairs, represents your repressed thoughts. It suggests that you are going into your unconscious. It also refers to setbacks that you will experience in your life."

Or could it be that I'm already at the top of the stairs, looking down, and not realizing that the castle is right behind me? I'll just have to turn around for reward, recognition, and praise for my achievements?

Freud would be proud of me...

The Castle

Dreamtime again. There are different schools regarding dream interpretations, and of course views differ whether dreams needs to be interpreted at all. But I think we can all agree, that dreams mean something to us, even if it's just a way of getting some "free" entertainment. Your personal cinema.

Obviously not all parts of a dream are equally clear to you memory, and I'm not sure if telling an incomplete dream is any good? But some say, that in itself is significant, that the parts you remember are the ones that are important to you for some reason. To the dream then:

I stood at the top of the stairs, overlooking the castle grounds. It was a beautiful day, and I mean it. Summertime. The temperature was perfect, it was like being soaked in water at body temperature. There was something timeless and infinite, yet very fragile over the moment. It was like pure happiness caught in a split second.

But it wasn't mine. From my view, with the castle in my back, I saw this horse drawn carriage coming up the driveway. The sides of the carriage were draped with yellow curtains, concealing the passengers. The carriage made a half circle and stopped just below the stairs, and a couple stepped down. There was the happiness. They were of noble birth, aristocratic, rich and beautiful. She wore a fantastic but simple dress which shimmered in the sunlight. I think the couple was on its way to a party of some kind at the castle. I knew I would never be a part of that, and that was the strongest feeling I had in the dream.

Then I dreamed I woke up, and I was intrigued by the vividness of the dream. It had been so clear, so crisp and detailed. Just like a movie. Strangely enough I started to reflect on the dream while I was still asleep. Amazing how you can get so tired from sleeping, but I guess it's my mind telling me I have issues I need to handle. Awake or not. Yellow curtains, what was that all about? I know some dream interpreters pay a lot of attention to colors, maybe I should ask one?

Through The Wall

There are six apartments in our row, and I live in the middle. (As much as there is a middle in an even number.) The flat to my right is empty, but in the one on the left lives a single dad. When his girls aren't there, he usually "shares" his music with me, but I can't complain, I guess he can hear sound coming through from my place as well. This morning he played some really crappy music though, and I was glad I was on my way out. But as I stood there in the bathroom (that's where the sound penetration is most obvious), I came to think about another time his music got my attention.

This was springtime 2006, and suddenly I heard something very familiar, although I was quite sure I hadn't heard it before. It was more the sound of the guitar and the characteristics of the rythm that were known to me. And I thought Pink Floyd, knewing it wasn't them.

But a few days later I learned that David Gilmour had released his third solo album "On an Island" on his sixtieth birthday, and that was what I'd listened to. Do I have a good ear or what? The walls are not that thin, and sound travelling through them, naturally gets a little mumbled and indistinct.

When thinking about this again today, the line "David Gilmour through the wall" popped up, and I thought I'd write a post about it. Only much later I realized the little twist in it.

...through The Wall...

Perspective

Everything runs in cycles, and so does my blog. I'm very aware of it, so often when I get an idea or something triggered me to write a certain post, I use the search function up in the left corner to see previous postings about the subject. I don't wanna repeat myself too much, although it's a natural thing. I'd like to think of it as growth and evolvement, rather than replication. Like the Sunflower coming up year after year is not the same, although the offspring is carrying the DNA from its parents. Weather conditions and fertilizers will effect the outcome, as will the quality of the seed itself.

So while reading through old and withered posts, I actually find myself a little surprised. "Did I actually write this?" I'm also almost ashamed to admit that some of it strikes me as not too bad actually. Another perspective is also that while I know what's behind a story, a reader might not. I'll give you an example.

I searched for "fix" and this post came up. (Funny enough it was exactly from a year ago, almost to the day. Talk about cycles.) Had I read something like this, I think I'd assume that the writer actually had some knowledge. Does this mean then that I know more than I realize, or that I shouldn't assume that other people know what they're talking about, even if it appears so? It might be good therapy then to read through my own posts and rediscover my own abilities.

As always I'm split between my own beliefs. Is it hope in seeing that it wasn't the end a year ago, as I felt it was, or does it simply prove that nothing lasts either it's good or bad? But maybe we just should accept that there's a natural rythm to life we neither can or should fight against? We can only learn from it, evaluate and select the best seeds, so that the next crop gets richer and more nutritious.

Some things are worth repeating, as having lunch with wonderful friends. In a couple of hours I'm off to meet Toril, since she's a working girl now we had to make it a dinner appointment instead. I don't mind at all. Still the same place, but maybe we'll can allow ourselves more than just the one glass since we're doing it later...

Stuffy Nose

My sinuses seem to be clogging up again, but hopefully it won't develop into such a nasty infection I had half a year ago. I say I usually don't get sick, but this year has been so full of ups and downs that I'm probably susceptible to a variety of illnesses. Then a "little" cold might not be the worst. But, I simply don't have time to be ill, although this time the only one suffering from my congested airways is me. Reading when your head feels like cotton wool is not easy. Writing isn't either, I realize now. Think I had something else on my mind and a point somewhere, but it slipped. So by for now, I'll be back when my mind starts to function again.

Body Control

This is a work of my talented daughter, modeled in clay.

Posted from my Sony Ericsson

The Cookie Monster

A long time ago we moved with our two small kids (2 and 4) to a very family friendly neighborhood. You know the type, where no cars are driving close to the houses, and the children are running all over the place? I remember one day, not long after we'd moved in, sitting outside talking a neighbor about this and that, when one of the girls from the area came in to the garden and asked if she could have a cookie. My neighbor discretely tried to stop me from giving the little girl anything, and she explained why after the kid had left. "You see, she was adopted from South America when she was 2, where she'd been brought up in a orphanage. From what I've heard there was little to eat, and they soon learned to steal whatever food they could find. So if you give her anything from here she'll always come back, begging for more. She's insatiable." said my neighbor.

There are many things we can be deprived of, but I guess the long term effect in any case can be that we're left with a revenous appetite like the Cookie Monster. Insatiable. And we really don't believe it's there when we finally get it, and therefore try to get as much as we can at once.

So I'm so sorry for stealing from the cookie jar. But don't worry, my thieving days are over. I'll ask next time.

The Poll

I'll let you in the results, and see if there are any surprises.

88% of you believed I walked the neighbor's dogs for money. No, did not do that. That's another gene I'm lacking - making money out of other people's predicaments. Or out of anything for that matter.

I did dance ballet, and 44 % of considered that as possible, although it might seem very unlikely today. However, I did play the violin, which only 22 % guessed. But it was almost not true, played only for half a year. (Remember my teacher calling my parents when I decided to quit; he wanted them to talk to me, to see if I would change my mind. Somehow he thought I had some talent with that thing.)

But doing my all my homework? On time? Hardly, I was lazy even then. (But I can see why 44 % of you thought I did, me being so meticulous about everything now.) The truth is though I didn't feel I needed to, 'cause I thought I knew it all anyway. Probably did, but it has left me with some serious side effects. Very poor study techniques.

I'm almost a little disappointed that so few (22 %) believed in me regarding the cross-country running. Only joking, that one is so obvious. I really do hate running, and have always done so. Even as a scrawny little kid. But I did come in second once though. (Guess how many took part in the run?)

And of course I was a girl-scout! 33 % of you agreed on that. Semper Parata!

But the last one, sucking my thumb? Why so many of you as 44 % believed I did that, I'm not sure I dare to think about. And my guess is also you have very different reasons for believing it, as well... But it is true.

Playing Games

"You're such a bad looser", one often say if someone gets really upset when losing a game. And when my daughter was little, we dreaded to start a game of Monopoly with her, simply because she threw tantrums if she didn't win, and then she was sulky and upset for hours. She probably got that from her father, he wasn't much fun to play with either. On the other hand, he excused himself, and I think he might have a point there, with him being so competitive.

I'm not a bad loser; of course I like to win, but if I lose I just don't seem to care that much. However, I'm starting to think that that not necessarily only is a good trait. Maybe a few more fighting bones in my body wouldn't hurt?

But it's not that I don't care about the game, on the contrary, I care a lot. You see, I don't mind losing, if everyone's just playing fair. What I do mind is cheating, and twisting and bending the rules. That really makes me upset. And now I think I'm just about to throw a tantrum too...

I played a game of cards the other day. Card games a tricky that way, as those 52 cards of the deck (joker excluded) can be used in so many ways. You can even play on your own, but this game though, wasn't a game of solitaire.

The cards were dealt, and I thought I knew which game we were playing. There are a zillion different games; there are gambling games, trick-taking games, rummy-style, shedding and accumulating games, fishing games and so on. And of course, there might be local family rules as well, just to make it even more complicated. But as I said, I thought I knew what we were doing, and placed my bets accordingly.

Disaster, and I lost bigtime. Really annoying, 'cause I might have played differently if I'd only read up on the rules. Damned dogs...

(Maybe Not So) Strange Things

My crappy old car won't let me drive that fast, but as I was going downhill I wasn't sure I'd stayed within the speed limit when I saw the officer stopping the car in front of me. Most days I wouldn't mind getting pulled over by a handsome man in uniform, but if all they want is my money - well, I think I'll pass. But the policeman just smiled and waved me aside. So it's going to be one of those days, I thought.

One of those days that seem to be filled with funny incidents and even stranger coincidences, and it began before my "meeting" with the road patrol. Actually, I think it started to move already last night when I went down to the laundry room to pick up the linen for my son's bed from the dryer.

We have a system that should work, had people only used their heads once in a while. You put your laundry in the washing machine and place the hamper on top, so that the next user can empty the machine into the hamper and then put it away. And same routine for the tumble dryer. Simple, right? Both these machines are automatic, in that they stop when when they're finished. The problems are worst with the dryers, as the electronic sensors for determing the humidity aren't that reliable. A load of bedlinen usually gets twirled and tangled up, into a big lump. Which obviously is NOT dry in the middle.

This is where people differ. When I open up a dryer to find a bundle like that, I untwirl it and put it back in the dryer. That's nice isn't it? No, not nice, just the right and decent thing to do. But other people (not all of course), see the stop-light and just empty machine regardless. That happened late last night, and I had a funny feeling I knew who it was. And we're 150 families up there, could be anyone... My hunch was confirmed, when I looked at the bag marked with her housenumber!

But what does this (rather lengthy and tedious) anecdote have to do with coincidences? Well, this morning I was still thinking about it when I sat in my car. I haven't seen her for weeks now, and I wondered if that might be good excuse for knocking on her door? Complaining about my son's wet bedlinen? Just as I turned around the corner she came the other way towards me...

When I then got to the university I bumped into a lady I know from last spring and a course we attended together. Shouldn't say know exactly, 'cause then I hardly spoke a word with any of the people in the class, since we spent so much time in practise. But now we started to talk, and quickly found out that a coffee and a chat wuld be a good idea. We swapped phone numbers, and I'm sure we'll have some very interesting conversations here on campus.

While we chatted outside there came a man walking by, who immediately got my attention. It's so strange, but I know him without knowing him, if you know what I mean? I think we went to the same class a couple of years ago, but I have never spoken a single word with him; I don't know his name or anything. But everytime we meet he greets me like he knows me, and I can't help but wonder if he confuses me with someone else, or what? But still, it's like seeing an old friend in a strange way. And I don't see him that often, maybe it has happened 6-7 times. It really doesn't matter, but it's just a reminder that you're not totally alone and that someone recognizes you.

These small incidents might seem very trivial and insignificant to you, but I can't wait for the next funny episode...

PS. Wonder about the picture? It's what you get for Googling "handsome+man+uniform"... Talking about handsome men in uniforms, it reminds me of another encounter I had with the long arm of the law. The time when almost I paid my ticket with a smile. A sunny day in June (ten years ago) I was pulled over by this patrol for speeding. There they were, wearing uniforms and sunglasses, casually striding their motorbikes. You get the picture. As I said, it was almost worth the fine...

This Or That?

Life is full of smaller and larger issues to decide upon, and we spend a lot of time trying to make our mind up. It could be those simple decisions about today's dinner, or which shirt to wear. But it could also be something with more far-reaching consequences, like which education to choose. The similarities though, are that it here seems to be a choice between more or less equal options. This or that, what do I like? And it could be solved with the eanie-meanie-minie-moe-method. Whether you're going for the striped shirt or the plain one, you're still wearing something.

But how to decide when it's a do or don't situation? An example: should I sell the car or not? The thought has struck me that I maybe should do that. I find the car to be quite an annoying part of my life; it costs a lot of money to maintain, the gas is awfully expensive and so is the insurance. Not to mention parking fees and turnpikes. But to find the answer I needed to approach the question from a different angle: What would the consequences be without the car? Then it wasn't much of a problem, and I still got the car. As it is now, I need the car more often than not.

So if you're having trouble making your mind up, why not reverse your original question? Realise that when saying yes to one thing, you're at the same time saying no to the opposite, according to the "Principle of bivalence". And then try to see if that's something you would be happy with?

But if you still made the "wrong" decision there's always relief in Festinger's cognitive dissonance theory which

states that contradicting cognitions serve as a driving force that compels the mind to acquire or invent new thoughts or beliefs, or to modify existing beliefs, so as to reduce the amount of dissonance (conflict) between cognitions.

In a way a scary thought, in that you might end up "happy and content" although you didn't go for the choice that would have been the best, just because your brain is wired that way - to protect you from "uncomfortable tension that may result from having two conflicting thoughts at the same time". Isn't it possible then, that this is a reason we're doing the same mistakes over and over again? 'Cause if you're fine with the wrong choice, there's no stopping you from doing it again. And as long as you're not aware of this cognitive dissonance theory and that you're basically fooled, you actually convince yourself and believe you made the right decision! Now, that's a thought...

Time for another decision: Should I go home now? Yes - it's Friday, and it's (almost) late, and I don't want to spend the evening here...

Keeping The Accounts

Why I said yes is a mystery, I can only guess it had something to do with me having trouble saying NO. But the fact remains - I'm still trying my best to keep the books for the basketball team, of which I'm a board member. This is the second year I'm at it, and all this time I've been working with this rather rough Excel spreadsheet, which I sort of inherited from the previous accountant.

Earlier this year we decided to invest in this Mamut Business Software in order to make things easier and more reliable for us. At least when it's up and running. 'Cause I had so much else to think about at the beginning of this year, that I really couldn't picture myself sitting down with a new program and interface and learn how to use it. So time passed and nothing happened. Until now in september, when the board once again brought up the question, and I said yes - why not? And promised to buy the program and redo the books.

And that's what I've been doing for a couple of days now. 454 vouchers has been entered, as well as this year's budget. "And I saw everything that I had made, and, behold, it was very good." I'm beginning to feel the satisfaction it is to accomplish things I have put off for too long.

And now - read! Something else I've been putting off for a while...

My Bags Are Packed...

...and I'm on the move! I'll leave early tomorrow morning with a suitcase filled with - books, a coffee mug and a packet of ground coffee! You see, I'm not moving very far, only to the university, where I'll hopefully be able to find the flow I need to fulfill my assignments. Really look forward to it, and I must admit I feel a little special and privileged.

But telling you this was actually not what I had in mind when I started to write, so in order to get to my initial thought I have to change the subject slightly. I was thinking about the "little things", and how rich life can be if we learn to see and appreciate them. And how exciting everything gets then!

I believe the world we live in today is so fast paced, action packed and over stimulated that it's sometimes hard to find that inner peace. People are in constant search of the biggest thrills, and we hurry through our lives, chasing the next adventure. But it could be hiding right under your very nose!

Watching the kids outside sweeping the autumn leaves in a big pile and then jump in it - could you get a nicer view from your window, while you're trapped behind the desk? And to see the mountains glimmer in reddish pink from the low light of the sun, and feel the crisp air in your nostrils - doesn't that put a smile on your face?

Back in the 19th century men were easily aroused just by a glimpse of a woman’s ankle, and I guess a woman blushed deeply only from thinking about him watching. Today we are bombarded with impressions which leaves little to the imagination, and it seems we need more and more to be stimulated. I'm afraid that we're getting numb and losing our sensuality, and that the ability to be delighted is being weakened.

But it is possible to take a step back and open your eyes, and be happy for what's there. I reckon though that people who have suffered distress either emotionally or financially (or both) are generally better at it - as "beggars can't be choosers"; but in any case, you have to want to see and feel the wonders.

Contrary to what some may think of me, I have often felt a bit cold and numb, but that's slowly changing now. I realize my problem has been the listening part, and if you think of any experience as a communication, it's so important to stay open and receptive. Just consider the concept of how a piece of art can "speak" to you!

Well, what do you know, am actually there again! (And that's good, 'cause I'm very tired, almost lost my train of thoughts, and I need to go to bed...) By "there" I mean where my inspiration for my bachelor assignment lies - and that's communication! And that will probably be the ground for my master as well. As it is the ground for everything...