Mirage
Deb said in a comment here the other day that "it all works out in the end!", and presume she's right, it still rises a few questions. (For returning readers it's kind of obvious I keep coming back to the same model - to follow any statement by questions, but please let me know if this is starting to be too repetetive and boring.)
- How far away is the end really?
- And which end are we talking about here? (Not the end, I hope. I'd actually like it to work out in good time before I draw my last breath, having time to enjoy it.)
- Why does this end always seem like a mirage? As soon as I think I'm getting there, it disappears or moves further away.
In my answer I also pointed out that I'm still the same old cynic, but I know that isn't how I actually feel. That is my writing persona. Even though I've mentioned before, the possibility that I might give a misleading portay of myself, it has now dawned on me how true that is. But not from what I write, more from how I write, I think. I've got a very honest opinion from my oldest friend (hope she won't mind me sharing this), which might explain:
When I first started to write this blog, she read it more or less as frequently as I posted. In the beginning she enjoyed it, and gave me compliments on how "well written" it was. But she also expressed a certain uneasyness; she couldn't really fathom that it was me writing it! It was like she stumbled upon the words of a total stranger, if it hadn't been for references to actual events we'd shared there was nothing telling it was me behind those words. Now she hardly ever visits this place, 'cause when doing so the real person she's known for 18 years seem more like an illusion.
All this made me thinking - what about people who get to know me trough my writing first? Not that I should be a disappointment, but I'm sure I appear very differently. (If they ever get to meet me, apparently my words can lure some people to think I'm too advanced for them. Now that one really is a joke...) And again - which is the true me then? Of course the living, breathing, loving part is the true one, but my writing is a necessity as well. I might just have to find another outlet for that steam. Somewhere I could disregard the lines in between, 'cause sometimes words are just that. Words.
6 comments:
I think it's many 'ends'. Whether it's getting through this week and some exam or assignment that's due or possibly some major life event - like a divorce which lasts a LOT longer. It may not seem like it's worked out, even when it's apparently over; but I've found after days, or months or even years of reflection - it did work out in the end. And to make it complicated, we have to adjust to how it worked out - sometimes not the way we had anticipated or wanted. There are many stops along the way to a goal and in life to that 'final end', so I never really expect to see an X on the ground marking the "you've arrived" moment. Sometimes there are ways of marking a moment; like attending a convocation ceremony, it solidifies one stop in the journey. I don't think I've actually ever thought of 'arriving' it's all just on one huge continuum.
The idea that people get to know one side of you in the blogg-o-sphere and another in person...interesting idea I've never contemplated! I shall now!
You're so right, Deb. But especially interesting is that "looking back" part, and I think sometimes I have difficulties accepting that other people seem to adjust a lot quicker than I do to how things work out. I'm a little stubborn I guess...
The adjusting has taken some time to perfect, and I'm by no means even close to having it down but it certainly doesn't take me so long anymore.
I've learned a lot over the last 5 years; I knew University would teach me "stuff", but I had no idea how much it would actually change me and my life! I used to take months, if not years, adjusting to some traumatic event in my life. Now I roll with it and bounce back quite quickly. I'm quite amazed at the change. I don't know how it happened or when exactly, but it did. My supervisor has had a huge influence on me, he seems to know exactly when to push and certainly doesn't ever give any ground on things - apparently it was the push I needed. I guess the bottom line is now - life must and will continue and I will STILL make the best of it - so in the grand scheme of things what ever has 'gone wrong' no longer seems like such a big deal. I may still wish that things hadn't worked out the way they did, but it's everything put together that gets me where I want to go and to be the person I ultimately want to be.
I know what you mean, I think I've experienced much the same during the last 5 years. But with me there's always this duality, where as I adjust and bounce back easily with things regarding family, education, and "general" issues, it's the personal relationships (in honesty - read lovelife) that keep causing "trouble". I really have a hard time to shrug my shoulders and just keep on moving. In the meantime I'll just hang to your words - it'll work out in the end.
Yes, still having a few problems there myself! ;) It's amazing how that can turn your world completely upside down. I've spent far too much time in my life trying to 'make' it work - so I'm determined not to force things anymore. Tough thing to do, but so far it's working for me. AND 'settling' for a relationship - any relationship - is no longer acceptable!! :) It's made the moving on and letting go a lot easier!!!!
Well, that's a "luxury" I haven't had for a while - just getting the opportunity to try to make things work... Seems everybody else is making the decisions for me. But anyway, rather that; than as you point out "settling" for any relationship isn't a good thing.
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