Clap Your Hands

I got a comment today where Toril guessed I was happy. And I went thinking again, an innocent remark that made me ask myself: what is happiness exactly? I won't make any attempt in answering that, because it simply cannot be done. What makes someone happy is quite individual. So there won't be an answer, but I can muse over it for a while.

Wikipedia is always a good startingpoint for any topic, so let's see what they have to say about it? To quote: "Happiness is a prolonged or lasting emotional or affective state that feels good or pleasing." Now, already here I encounter the first problem - prolonged. That would mean "for some time" or at least longer than a brief moment. I do have sporadic lapses, or even days when I experience "wellbeing, joy and delight" (Wikipedia again), but a prolonged state of it? No, I wouldn't say so.

I have been happy before, and I think I know what it feels like, even though it's seems like a lifetime ago. I believe happiness is an emotional state you recognize when you're in, but it's harder to explain why. You're simply feeling "happy". Sometimes now I suspect that people think I expect too much, "just consider how bad it could be?", they say and at the same time ask me to count my blessings. I know there's a lot to be grateful for, and I know they're trying their best to make me focus differently. But still, it doesn't make me happy.

A week of sunshine and a temporary contentedness can't be confused with happiness, but maybe I am expecting too much out of life? Manders in Ghosts asked: "To crave for happiness in this world is simply to be possessed by a spirit of revolt. What right have we to happiness?". Personally I think he was a weak man, afraid of life, but there could be something to the question though. Is it a human right to be happy?

I know other cultures and religions where happiness is defined as being balanced. I can relate to that. These last years I have been extremely selfabsorbed, out of necessity, and I have worked very hard to understand myself. I have a strong belief that everybody is responsible for their own part in interpersonal interaction, and that we can only change ourselves, not others. However, if we're doing a good job we might get others to want to change. I think I have changed a lot, and on good days I can feel just like that - balanced. And in that state also kind of invincible, ready to conquer the world. Happy? No, but maybe I only need to redefine my actual conception of the word, like so many other things I have revalued lately?

But I'm like a child, who's standing next to her mother at the checkout counter, screaming redfaced with indignation: "I want, I want, Iwant!!!"

You all remember the childrens song that goes like this "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands..."? I find the lyrics a little confusing, 'cause I think if you're happy you automatically know it too. Difficult to imagine someone over the moon happy, and not being aware of it! I know, I would.

I could now spend the next 40 years reading my way through from Aristotl to Žižek, and along the way I might be able to take part in serious discussions on the topic with fellow scholars. But would that make me happy? Not sure really. I would probably feel satisfied and content if I achieved well, but knowing of something is not the same as experiencing it.

Suddenly I realize that it's quite late, and I have to finish this now. I'm afraid this post may have come out sounding a little bitter or disillusioned. My apologies. Better get some sleep, tommorrow is another day, and I'm bringing some brownies to lunch with the Huminf master students. I'm sure they'll make me laugh, and I believe smiles and laughter will bring me a whole lot closer to happiness.