Phew!!!

Almost done now, I had my JAVA exam yesterday, and then there's only an oral in litterature left, which will at worst downgrade by one mark. Really can't believe I made it, still it's the same story all over again. I'll start the semester with the best intention of making some drastic changes regarding how and when I'll work, feeling absolutely optimistic that "this time I'll do it right!" Then as always life decides to intervene, and nothing turns out the way I wanted.

Next semester, I'll do it differently...

pic from Dave Archer

No Worries

Wine sure must be the solution sometimes. As I've said before, I don't think I'll ever be an alcoholic, I don't have the urge or gene or whatever for that. But what I'm doing right now must be the smartest thing I'll ever done before an exam. Earlier today I took a drive to a friend of mine, hooked up the computer and studied hard for 4 hours. She then lured me out in her garden to catch the last few sunrays for the day, accompanied by a glass of wine. Suddenly I relaxed and realized that by Monday 1 pm, the exam will be done either way, and I'm looking forward to it. No worries, mate, as we used to say Down Under.

Energy Boost

This was exactly what I needed right before the exam. Had a most wonderful evening, listening to some real good music. e.s.t. played at Nattjazz, and they really did a remarkable performance. Excellent, and now I'm happy. Sometimes I think I could survive on music alone.

Hi Angela!

Thanks to you I now look like Babe Ruth! After reading your post "Celebrity Me(s)" I too was curious about which gorgeous celebrity I'd look like. I followed the link to My Heritage, but 'cause I didn't have a suitable photo I quickly loaded my digital camera and took a shot of myself. I forgot to smile and the result was depressing, the two people I resembled most was Leonardo di Caprio and as mentioned, Babe Ruth. I was so unsatisfied with this I didn't even think of taking a screenshot, and I deleted my own picture.

Ok, let's give it another try, I thought, and took another selfportrait which didn't work out any better:

Finally, I had a third go and smiled like an idiot to the camera. Well, how about that? Keira Knightley? I can live with that.

It Runs In The Family

Although some things ran through me. But here's what my talanted daughter is doing in her spare time:



She's got her own place at the Science Fiction and Fantasy Art site Elfwood

Love & War

Is it possible to be defeated even if you're weren't aloud to fight? Do you really need permission to go to war, or is that a contradiction? I think I have to sue the Ministry of Defence here, 'cause I believe they've been doing a lousy job lately. And I also heard everything is allowed. What is that really? Can someone please point me in the direction where they keep the documents concerning Everything? Which department?

Perspectives

Funny how the view can change so dramatically. Most people one time or another dream about winning big at the Lottery. Some do it to the extent that it's almost embarrassing, they're more talking of when and not if they're going to win. I must admit I too have been dreaming about zillions of dollars, but I'm not a hard gambler so to speak.

My little fantasy around what to do with an indecent amount of money wasn't so much about what to buy, as it was about how long could I keep the secret for. (Keep it from my husband, that was) I laid all these plans, about building up the tension only to make the surprise even bigger. I would have started with buying some expensive underware. Not delicate ones for me, but more like spending way too much on ordinary black socks with a silly brand name on for him. He would have hated it, telling me not to squander so much. To make the story shorter I'll just tell you that the finale would have been to bring him down to the marina and present him with a key to his dreamboat.

Reflecting now on this some 15 year old memory it strikes me that I didn't consider that much what I would have wanted for myself, I only wanted to make him happy. Teasing him a little bit of course, but still, I dreamt about seeing his face when he realized that we were stinking rich.

So what do I dream about now? Have I started to care bout my own needs? Oh, absolutely. If I won the Lottery I could continue my travel into the world of knowledge without having to worry about the student loan anymore. I don't need that much else, really, and the rest could the children get.

Or maybe just a little boat...



Red Boat with Blue Sails by Odilon Redon

Rebuilding My Life

I'm trying as always to reorganize things so I'll eventually get my life at least resembling a good one. A blog might not have to do so much with that, but here's a little change on the layout anyway. I'll come back later with more, as I don't think it's done as it is. Not my life either.

Alarming?

Yesterday I did a few things, and I'm not too sure about how well they reflect my current mental condition. Firstly I went to the music shop to listen to a new record I thought I'd like to buy. I did buy it, plus two more, and I guess that wasn't really smart considering all the expenses I've had lately. Then when I got home I should've been sitting all afternoon and evening with my books, and did so for a little while. But I got distracted (again), and pulled out my dustcovered sewingmachine to make those pillowcases I'd been planning to do for ages! The evening I spent watching TV like a lethargic imbecile.

So one would imagine that sooner or later I'd get my act together and start reading properly, but today has been even worse. I started out with what I initially had in mind but somehow I just slid over to a much more fun project. Redesigning my blog that is. A whole weekend without accomplishing much useful, apart from having a little bit of fun. Then again, that is exactly what I need.

But the alarming thing, is that I feel a bit indifferent to the prospect of failing. Can somebody please wake me up?

More Words Of Wisdom

The Happy Trail

I think I'll stick to this theme for a little while longer, something good might come out of it in the end.

Freezer Rules

I wrote a post about happiness last week, and there were a few things I thought I'd say, but then changed my mind. I wanted to say that happiness should be more than absence of pain and misery. But now I changed my mind again, you see, it made me quite happy to know I don't have to put up with this kind of shit anymore:



You might think this looks like something from the kitchen area at a juvenile correctional institution, but it isn't. So then again it makes me equally unhappy that someone else dear to me still has to endure this.

Needles & Pins

Imagine crying over a lost needle. Sounds pretty silly, don't you think? Well, my son came over the other day, and kindly asked me if I could sew the loose button back on his pants. In my previous life I would have gone straight to the drawer where I kept my sewing accessories, and fixed it immediately. My exhusband always thought my drawers were in a complete chaotic state, and he may have been right, but I never had any problem finding what I needed when I needed it. One of my dreams back then was also to have a room to myself were I could keep my sewing machine and everything else important to me. My space, filled with tools for all my hobbies.

And now? I don't even know where my needles are, and trying to find one reminds me too painfully how much things have changed. A lot for the better though, but I still wish I had a private space. Not to mention the time to use it.

I sincerely hope Catherine Jamieson won't mind me "stealing" her picture. Take a look at her site; beautiful photos indeed.

Raging Bull

I believe my starsign and my current mood make me qualify for this title. So what's up now? Pretty much the same, but I'm exhausted. Sick and tired of trying to do the right thing and never get anything in return. Ok, "anything" maybe wasn't the right word, but I feel it doesn't really pay off living the way I am. Too bad I have a conscience, otherwise I think I would start stealing, lying and cheating as so many others do. A little murder now and again?

I'm not religious, but the fundamentals in most religions hold some very good values, I think. And apart from the first three Commandments actually related to God, I believe I'm sticking better to them than some Christians do. (Or maybe not, shamefully I must admit I break another one almost everyday. My excuse though, is that I consider myself the only hurting part.) Boasting about how "good" I am is not exactly a very appealing trait, and by doing that I probably commit one of the cardinals sins too. I guess I have committed more than one actually, so maybe I'm not such a good person afterall? However, I've found out that it's possible to be both virtuous and "sinful" at the same time. Quite conflicting and confusing, 'cause by being overly virtuous you would possibly also fall into the seven sins. The aim must then be to stay on the Golden Mean?

So if I was religious I could at least say I would get paid in heaven, on the other hand maybe I would try to get an early withdrawal then? No, I think I rather stay here, sooner or later it has to work out.

Hope is the last thing we surrender, and thank God(!) for that.

Clap Your Hands

I got a comment today where Toril guessed I was happy. And I went thinking again, an innocent remark that made me ask myself: what is happiness exactly? I won't make any attempt in answering that, because it simply cannot be done. What makes someone happy is quite individual. So there won't be an answer, but I can muse over it for a while.

Wikipedia is always a good startingpoint for any topic, so let's see what they have to say about it? To quote: "Happiness is a prolonged or lasting emotional or affective state that feels good or pleasing." Now, already here I encounter the first problem - prolonged. That would mean "for some time" or at least longer than a brief moment. I do have sporadic lapses, or even days when I experience "wellbeing, joy and delight" (Wikipedia again), but a prolonged state of it? No, I wouldn't say so.

I have been happy before, and I think I know what it feels like, even though it's seems like a lifetime ago. I believe happiness is an emotional state you recognize when you're in, but it's harder to explain why. You're simply feeling "happy". Sometimes now I suspect that people think I expect too much, "just consider how bad it could be?", they say and at the same time ask me to count my blessings. I know there's a lot to be grateful for, and I know they're trying their best to make me focus differently. But still, it doesn't make me happy.

A week of sunshine and a temporary contentedness can't be confused with happiness, but maybe I am expecting too much out of life? Manders in Ghosts asked: "To crave for happiness in this world is simply to be possessed by a spirit of revolt. What right have we to happiness?". Personally I think he was a weak man, afraid of life, but there could be something to the question though. Is it a human right to be happy?

I know other cultures and religions where happiness is defined as being balanced. I can relate to that. These last years I have been extremely selfabsorbed, out of necessity, and I have worked very hard to understand myself. I have a strong belief that everybody is responsible for their own part in interpersonal interaction, and that we can only change ourselves, not others. However, if we're doing a good job we might get others to want to change. I think I have changed a lot, and on good days I can feel just like that - balanced. And in that state also kind of invincible, ready to conquer the world. Happy? No, but maybe I only need to redefine my actual conception of the word, like so many other things I have revalued lately?

But I'm like a child, who's standing next to her mother at the checkout counter, screaming redfaced with indignation: "I want, I want, Iwant!!!"

You all remember the childrens song that goes like this "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands..."? I find the lyrics a little confusing, 'cause I think if you're happy you automatically know it too. Difficult to imagine someone over the moon happy, and not being aware of it! I know, I would.

I could now spend the next 40 years reading my way through from Aristotl to Žižek, and along the way I might be able to take part in serious discussions on the topic with fellow scholars. But would that make me happy? Not sure really. I would probably feel satisfied and content if I achieved well, but knowing of something is not the same as experiencing it.

Suddenly I realize that it's quite late, and I have to finish this now. I'm afraid this post may have come out sounding a little bitter or disillusioned. My apologies. Better get some sleep, tommorrow is another day, and I'm bringing some brownies to lunch with the Huminf master students. I'm sure they'll make me laugh, and I believe smiles and laughter will bring me a whole lot closer to happiness.

Off To Lunch

Bought a new CD yesterday, and I'm bringing that with me to my lunchdate. Life is quite wonderful then; sunshine, a pot of steaming tea, fantastic homemade bread, smoked salmon and swedish jazz. All this shared with a dear friend. Could it be better?

Flower Girl

My daughter got real Green Fingers, and I promised you I'd post the picture from my birthday. So here it is, along with a couple of beautyful lillies from her garden. Enjoy!





Snake's Head Lily

Unofficially Certified WordTwister

Summer hit like an H-bomb a couple of days ago, totally ignorant of such factors as Springtime. Bombers usually behave like that, not taking any conciderations to how, where and when. In this case we're just enjoying it though, but it's kind of strange stepping out of your boots in the evening and in to your slippers next morning.

I'm riding a wave now that I'd like stay on for a while. After handing in my essays friday I had a most wonderful lunch with my friend Toril; her treat, since it was my birthday a week ago. But as if that wasn't enough, she gave me some lovely jewellery. Very nice indeed!

When she headed back to the University, and her thesis, I wasn't really sure how to spend the afternoon. I had nothing planned, and no children waiting for me at home. Suddenly the phone rang, and another friend of mine was on the line. She was originally supposed to be in Oslo, but was obstructed at the very last moment. Lucky for me, and we ended up having a fantastic afternoon in the sun downtown, drinking cappuchino and eating icecream. Cheap entertainment, it is, watching all these odd people mingling there.

Where on earth am I going with this? As it seems, I haven't got a clue, and so far it has nothing to do with the heading. That shouldn't be to hard too see, right? I think I had a thought initially, but as I saved this post as a draft and went away for a few hours, something must have happened along the way. Maybe it was the temperature, 'cause it has not only been an average Norwegian summers day, but hot as well. Too bad you can't save those brilliant thoughts as drafts. I have tried, but usually I don't remember what I was thinking and those fragments, brief notes or keywords look absolutely pointless when returning to them. I'm sure though, it will emerge sooner or later, just not on command.

Then it's good to always carry something to write on, and a pen of course. The last item I had with me today, but while waiting outside the sports centre for the next game to begin, suddenly a poem popped up in my head, and the back of a shopping reciept had to suffice! I only wrote the first stanza, and if it ever is going to be finished still remains unknown. If so, and if I'm happy with it, I might share it with you.

Ok, so now I'm slowly getting closer to the subject I had in mind. 'Cause obviously you'd write poetry with words. Normally anyway. I could argue for some art being poetry, but that's a different topic all together.

Even now I'm not sure where I'm heading, but if you're still reading, at least it looks you're interested to see if I'll ever get there? Or maybe you're just nourishing a hope you finally would be able to say: "Now she's lost it, it really doesn't make any sense what she's writing!" Feel free, i don't mind.

Or I could just start over. As simple as that.

I love words. I never seem to tire from playing around with them. Or think about how to use them. Or write them. And then think about them. And then again wonder if you are playing with them and thinking about how I used them.

Anyways. It has all been said and written before, yet again it hasn't. Everytime could mean just a subtle change, and even if I wrote the exact same words, my thoughts and inspiration would be different from any previous writers'. More or less. Let's try it out:

"I slept well yesterday."

Quite an innocent and ordinary sentence, one would say. Or maybe not? Usually you'd sleep at night, wouldn't you? I googled these words, and got more than 10700000 hits and none of the top ones came back verbatim. So why these words? I wanted someone to know, via SMS, I had a very nice evening even though I fell asleep for a while. (I wasn't the only one, excuse me!) So I wanted to say I slept well at night too, because I was aloud to relax enough to fall asleep in company. Or maybe it was just all the sun we had all day?

Words are powerful. Twisting and bending them can be a risky business. But, oh, so intriguing. I have absolute respect for the written word, and at the same time no respect at all. Anything you write, can, and will be, used against you, in a court of love. And beware, I'm sharpening up my (s)words, loading up my literary guns and aiming for you!

And I also found out that I'm a psychic, but I'll tell you all about that later.
Not to be taken too seriously, just another amusing story...

Painting The Fence

I complained the other day about the challanges with writing. Said something like "It's not like doing boring chores, which you know how to do. Writing requires inspiration! And if you don't have it you might as well do something else." This is not entirely true. I have an analysis to write, and I kept waiting for the bright thoughts and enthusiasm to emerge. They didn't but I still have to write the #¤%&?* thing. But you see, I realize I have a bucket of words. I have my pencil-like brush, and there's a screen to fill. It's like any other tedious job - just have to roll up my sleeves and get on with it. I can do this. Painting pictures I can do in my spare time.