Flowing Water

This time of the year it's common to sum up the previous year, but is there any possible way to do that? And should I? I guess whatever happens in life, either good or bad, it's important to learn something from it, in order to progress. To be able to repeat any success, and avoid making the same mistakes over and over again. But the first question I need to answer is whether I should write at all...

Well, of course I'll write, but it was more what and where. This is not the first time I questioned the existence of this blog, and probably not the last, but this time I was actually quite sure I wasn't going to post anything more. The freedom I used to feel, the relief in venting out my thoughts and feelings, was gone, and I felt I was giving away freebies. Like I'd put myself under a microscope for anyone to examine my heart and soul. And why should I do that for nothing? On the other hand, only writing about every day trivia isn't doing it for me in the long run, it's the more complex and profound personal issues I need to explore.

Also, it seems like some people love my words more than they love me, so what the hell; why not give the people what the people want then? If I make it my decision to "give", maybe I'll get at least some sense of dignity and control back?

In one of the first posts of last year I sounded quite optimistic, and the one sentence read like this:

"This year's plan is to run through any brick walls that might come in my way..."

I don't know whether the walls were too solid, sturdy and impenetrable or if I just didn't see them,but the result was still the same. I smashed so hard I can still feel the pain. That's why I'm not going to predict anything for this year, and there'll be no New Year's resolutions for me. As long as I'll keep my head above water I'll be fairly satisfied. Everything else is a bonus. And with this rather bleak and pessimistic view I should be in for a fantastic year, don't you think?

OK, back to 2007 then, if only for those last weeks.

I spent the latter part of December with my family in Sweden, and here are a few words (and images) from then.



So, this is where I'm from - Mölndal, Sweden. Funny though how some things can just lie there for ever without you taking any notice. I don't know how many times I've passed here, and not looking really. To my defense I don't think the stream was as accessible back then, all locked in by factories and fences. Now as the buildings are rebuilt and let out for office use, the area is more open to the public. All in line with the idea of restoring and maintaining historical sites like this in general.



The second picture is from Fiskebäck, where my father keeps his boat. Now we just paid a quick visit to see that everything was in place, and all covers tightly secured. They were, but going there was also a nice excuse for grabbing a pizza at the local "restaurant". (The quality of the photos are not the best, taken with my mobile device as they are.)

Otherwise Christmas and New Year passed by in relative peace and harmony. The last day of the year I spent with two bachelors, lamb chops, Amarone wine, Roquefort cheese with Sauternes, and Champagne when the clock struck twelve. Absolutely a nice evening, and very safe considering the two bachelors are my brothers. No risk of breaking anything there.

So what would this "New Year Revue" be about then? Could say it was the year when everything happened, and then again, nothing at all...

Finse

Christmas Is Coming - And Fast!

It's 9 pm and I haven't started packing yet. Probably a very good idea to do that considering I'm planning to be on that first train in the morning. I'll spend Christmas with my family in Sweden, something I really look forward to. Nice to wrap up such a turbulent year in comfortable surroundings.

Christmas really did come fast this year; it's like the earlier and the more intense the shops are sending out their message about Christmas, the less interested I get, and the more distant Christmas actually seems. But it does come, every year. I haven't bought a single gift so far. Nope, that was not all true. My daughter got hers in advance since she won't be in Sweden with me - and she also needed that coat for her Christmas party last Saturday. And I have also bought one more gift - but I'm not even sure if I'll get the chance to give it away. But it has a name tag on it...

I wonder if Santa's bringing me what I want for Christmas? Probably not, since I don't believe in him - never had actually. Sounds a bit sad doesn't it? A child who doesn't believe in Santa Claus?

But maybe I'll get what I wish for if I believe in myself and my own miracles instead? That sounds like a good start!

Repayment Time

And I'm doing it gladly. I told you the other week about my friend who draw a few sketches of me and also "treats me like a princess"? It's quite remarkable that it's so hard simply being treated nicely without feeling guilty. But she has that quality, to give without expecting anything back, so with her I can practice being the receiver in a "secure environment". But as I said, I'm happy whenever I can help her, and tomorrow I'll have the chance as I got a car and she doesn't.

Things usually work out if you only relax and let go. But it's just so damn hard, anxious control freak as I am. Everyday is a challenge to find that inner peace, and trust that good things will come if I believe they will.

Some things are a bit difficult to discuss and write about, if you suspect that the listeners won't understand. Like meditation and healing. If you're not "in to it", every word might just sound very cliché. But I'll take my chances anyway, 'cause I think it's kinda interesting.

Last night me and my daughter went to a gathering in town, for a session of meditation and healing. No lengthy explanations are necessary, but afterwards my daughter said: "Mum, you have to stop rushing!" She had actually "seen" a very distinct aspect of me, but something no one has ever pointed out so precisely before. She had "seen" these fast forward arrows, you know, and she'd got that certain feeling that I was hardly ever present in the moment. She's almost 22 and she saw me, and I know she's right. I have lived with myself for over 40 years now, and I know the feeling. Most of the time I'm thinking ahead or away, even when I'm doing things I like. And I'm beginning to realize it's no wonder I'm tired.

I know how I want to be, but it's like a switch I can't find. I also know that it's possible, 'cause it wasn't long ago that I actually experienced it, if only for a short time. I know I shouldn't be dependent on having another person with me in order to find that inner peace, every book on the subject clearly states that, but I'm just saying that certain people makes me calmer and more grounded.

If you're only a random reader and don't know me in person, it might sound like I'm highly strung and very erratic, but I don't think that my restless soul is that evident on the outside. Think I "fool" people every day, right? The reason I chose to write about it now though, is that I have a very strong feeling it's extremely important for me to do something about it. If there's something to do?

The other thing my daughter "saw" was words, she got the feeling that there were too many words to fit inside my head, like I was exploding. And she's right there too, I just don't know yet how to let them out.

PS. After I published this post i was still thinking about it (not uncommon), and it struck me as funny that I used the analogy of the switch, considering the game I've been "addicted" to for a few weeks now. It's called Confuse Box, and the object is to connect up all wires and switch on all the lights. The lights and wires are all set in place, you only have to turn them into their right position. There's only one solution to each puzzle, and not until the last wire is set correctly you get the happy tune that tells the game is finished. Just how I feel. I know everything is there to hear the jingle, I just need to make the right connections.

Lucia

Today is St Lucia's Day, although we haven't celebrated it here really. Kids are almost grown up, and I'm not sure they ever got the real hang of it anyway. (Had they been in Sweden now, they would probably shown up drunk on their teacher's doorstep early this morning for some caroling...) Ah, those were the days.

Lussekatt!

From The Old Folk's Home - Again

An old woman and an old man is sitting staring at each other in the day room at the retirement home.

Suddenly the old man says:

- For twenty bugs I'll do you in the rocking chair over there. The old woman looks at him with surprise, but says nothing.

The old man continues:
- But, for fifty I'll do it with you in that comfy sofa, and if you've got a hundred you can come with me to my room for a romantic dinner, followed by a night you'll never forget.

The old lady still says nothing, but starts to rummage through her purse, and eventually pulls out a crumpled Benjamin.

The geezer takes the money and smiles.... - Sooo, you want a romantic evening all included, do you?

- Pull yourself together, man!! answers the woman, - I'm having five rounds in the rocking chair!

Master And Commander

Another sleepover, and another double feature. This time we watched two very good movies: The Norwegian/Sami Pathfinder and then Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World. There's actually some similarities between the two; both tell a story about how man can find inner strength and beat the enemy by using his brain, and not by raw power.

Having a fairly developed aesthetic mind made me appreciate these films on another level as well, the colors and sceneries are definitely stimulating. They are also very well cut, these films; rich in contrasts which make them very intriguing. And what about the Commander himself? Russel Crowe, I mean. Well, hmm, hubba, hubba...

Little Princess

I have a friend who treats me like a princess, and last night I went for a sleepover there. We had a double feature watching two nice movies about life, death and everything in between. And beyond. A few glasses of red wine was also consumed, along with some chocolate. It was a very nice evening indeed, and after a good night's sleep I even got breakfast in bed! Sunday was lazy; we had leftovers for hot lunch and later I got a blanket pulled over me and I fell asleep on the sofa. And I must have been an inspiration of some sort, just look here:





Thank you, my dear Hannah! You really are a good friend, and I'm glad whenever I can help you.

Oh My...

I don't know if I should laugh or cry about this, but earlier today in Oslo, a slightly intoxicated 70 year old woman was escorted out from a shopping mall by the police for speeding with her wheelchair! She was also driving into people, and the management was concerned about the public's safety as well as the old woman's. They said she was welcome back after she'd done some basic training maneuvering her vehicle...

Old Traditions

The tradition of the Advent calendar is at least as 200 years old, and it was a sure thing when I grew up. I usually had three; one following the TV-show that was sent at the same time, one homemade and filled with goodies and small surprises, and one sent from my "uncle" and "auntie" in Germany. (The Advent calendar itself actually has its origin in Germany, and they do know how to make real nice ones. Glitter on the outside and filled with milk chocolate for the kids, and for "grownups" there are the ones with quality chocolate; marzipan and liqueur...)

Anyway, it was a very natural tradition to pass on to my own kids, and every year they got their homemade one from me, the TV-thing from their grandma in Sweden and one or two chocolate ones from others here in Norway. As they got older the only one remaining was the one from me, but for the last couple of years I've been signaling that I won't do it anymore. Trying to find 3 X 24 different, not too expensive gifts, wrap them up and then attach them to the cross stitched calendar is simply a lot of work to do in the middle of exams and everything. And they have assured me for as many years that that's all right. They understand. And they sure should, being 14, 19 and 21...

But so far I've been sitting every last day of November finishing the calendar for them, so I'm afraid that they'll now actually get disappointed if I don't make it? I probably should have stopped when I first said I would. And who's getting me a calendar? Still a kid at heart... I won't be surprised if I'll spend the early hours of the 1st of December doing what I've been doing for 20 years now. But as I said, I'm still a kid at heart, and it pleases me to see them so happy for it.

Proud Mom

The Christmas fair at my daughter's school is over for this year, and I think it went well all over, although I didn't have much time to see it for myself. I had duty in the "Silent Café" right up until the finale show, when my youngest daughter was supposed to sing. So she did, and I was tremendously proud of her and wanted to scream out loud "That's my daughter!!!" She got rounds of applauds from the crowd, and I could hear the positive comments from people standing next to me. The song was from one of her favorite musicals Chicago, more precisely "When You're Good To Mama". (By the way, her absolute favorite musical is "Les Misérables".) This is a YouTube version:

A Last Post Before I Leave

This happened a couple of weeks ago; I caught a glimpse of something beautiful and got an image in my head which I'll treasure for a long time, if not forever.

A crisp and chilly morning I was on my way home to a friend of mine, to do some ceramics. (Or rather, she's doing the ceramics, I'm just playing with the clay. Which is very pleasant and relaxing in itself, even if I don't get any "result" out of it.) Anyway, I drove past this old couple standing on the frosty sidewalk, I guess they both were well into their eighties. Most likely they were on their way to the grocer's, judging by the wheeled shopping bag standing next to them. The old lady was holding on to the railing while her husband was kneeling down in front of her, tying her shoelaces. Can you see it? That image said so much about life, or how it should be.

And for the rest of us there's always Velcro.

Synnøve er ferdig!

Enda en masterstudent har levert fra seg. Gratulerer så masse.

Travelin' (Back In Time)

So. I'm on vacation. Spending a few days at mum's, trying not to think too much about the businesses which I eventually have to give proper attention to. Doing very little but relax and enjoy myself; this is done by seeing my family, eating & drinking, going to the movies and some shopping. (I found some real nice shoes yesterday, and it's good to see I haven't forgotten completely how to waste money on my appearence...)

I arrived in Sweden late Wednesday night, after a long days travel. From Bergen to Oslo I had company, as my dear friend Kari was going east to see her "boyfriend" there. Never has a trainride passed quicker, and although I rather enjoy riding the train in solitude, sharing that trip with a friend was very invigorating. Then I had a few hours to kill at the station, and I allowed myself a meal at the Chinese restaurant. A very simple place, but the food is nice, and the people too.

First day in Sweden I did almost nothing, just sitting down having breakfast with someone was a treat. A lazy, wonderful day it was, just what I needed! In the afternoon I went to see my father, and spent the night there. One of my brothers came over too and I beat them in our favorite card game "Chicago", a game played in three phases, where points are given according to poker ranking and then extra 5 points at the end of the game playing tricks. We played several rounds, and the reason I won all toghether was because I got that straight flush I "ordered". I've got a powerful mind, so be aware... he, he.

Yesterday was all spent in the City of Gothenburg. Lunch with my brothers, followed by some shopping, and then we reunited for coffe, movie and a couple of beers at "Bishop's Arms".

But let's go back to the previous night at my dad's. When the clock struck midnight I thought it would be wise to hit the pillow, but my curiousity got the better of me and I started to rumble through some cases in the living room. You see, only a couple of weeks ago my father had emptied the cellar due to some long awaited renovation, and a lot of that stuff was now sitting right in front of me, tempting me with all its secret content. Obviously I couldn't go to bed, you see that, right? There was on ald box marked with my grandma's name, rather superfluously to me, since it was securely tied together with some old nylon stockings. Her trademark, so to speak.

Inside that box were letters, telegrams and postcards, and real old ones too. I had absolutely no intention of reading them all, not that night and perhaps never, but I browsed a little and picked a few that got my attention. One letter posted to "Mama Bengtsson" from 1939 looked interesting, and knowing my father was 11 at that time I figured it must have been from him and not his 15 year old sister. I was right; there was my father writing home to his parents from where he was for summer vacation at his aunt's. He had just been out fishing with his cousins, and reported sizes and weights of their catches. The letter ended with a plea (his parents were about to join their children later in the summer): "Don't forget my Indian costume!"

Just as I read that, my father, now 79, joined me in the living room. "Listen here!" I said and read it all aloud. In an instant he was back in those days, and told me about that costume which he'd made at school, and for which he'd got the highest mark. I could easily picture him running around the woods playing Indians & Cowboys with Herbert and Ingmar... My father hugged me, he was quite moved. Actually all this was news to him, he'd just got the box when they emptied my grandma's place, and the box had never been opened before. So evidently he'd never seen that telgram sent to him from his aunt, except when he first got it on his third birthday in 1931. Nor had he seen the flowers his mother had picked on Midsummer Day in 1916, 1917 and 1918 and carefully wrapped in paper and stowed away. The rhymed inscriptions on the cards she recieved on her Christmas gift's as a teenager were also total mysteries to him. (And by the way, if you think they were all prim and prudish back then, well - think again. I found some real cute ones, which I might try to translate another time.)

There was correspondence from the time my grandfather sailed with the armoured cruiser "HMS Fylgia"; he'd drawn maps of the South America's and the ports they visited. I think, if I'd have nothing else to do in my entire life, I could fill the time with reading all that stuff. Filling in the gaps with my own imagination, and my father's stories. Hmm, sounds like a project doesn't it?

Angels Are Flying

Imaginary or not, something is in the air, that's for sure. It's course weekend again, and obviously I'm more alert and tuned in. But still the skeptic, still not sure whether to follow through with the next two years to become a licensed therapist. On the other hand, that might not be a bad thing. What I really dread here in life are fanatics, regardless of affiliation. Someone who claims they know the truth (and won't accept other's), either he believes in Allah, angels or aliens, really scares me. And I don't think you can do any job well if that's your approach. Maybe a certain distance is good for me.

This course is much like a journey, but with no itinerary, only a goal. So of course it's frightening, not knowing what the next stop is. But I have also learned (and that's absolutely in line with the philosophy here) that as soon as I stop "fighting" and let go, what should come to me does. For example those difficult decisions regarding my studies suddenly became clearer, and that whole phone thing turned out to be (and now I can hear my friends at the course: "We told you so!") maybe just right. What you radiate will reflect, and I feel that's true. And spreading a little love couldn't harm anyone, now well, could it?

Ooops, have to run. See you later!

First Snow

Just A Quick Note

Apparently my daughter answered those questions to the interviewer's satisfaction - she got the job, and I'm so proud of her! Now she can look forward to pick up her studies after Christmas, knowing she can support herself. Clever girl...

Disconnected

Almost bizarre, but losing the phone might not be all that bad. Having realized that the world still is spinning, it's quite relaxing not to be "available" all the time; and considering that one of the tasks now was to look after myself, I must say it's handy to have an excuse for not being "at service". I really have a hard time saying no to my kids if they call and ask to be picked up, even if there are buses... (You know I exaggerate a little, right? I see it may sound as I was literally attached to the phone...)

Aren't you laughing now, 'cause who am I kidding? It's been two days only, and I (nor you) won't be surprised if I've gotten myself a new phone by tomorrow. I guess for most people nowadays, phones are something we take more or less for granted, and not only the younger generations. At least here in Norway, everyone seem to be "connected" wherever they go. When there's music coming out of the purse of the elderly lady with the walking stick sitting next to you on the bus, no eyebrows are raised.

Remember when I got my first phone 10 years ago, when we lived in Australia. It was bought out of necessity; being in a new country with no family or friends around, we figured the kids' school should be able to contact me at all times. But I must admit I thought it was very "cool", so hip putting the phone on the table while I had lunch with Julia at some fancy place. Imagine that monster, as big as domestic phone, with the antenna sticking out at least 3 cm's. Real smart.

But one aspect of not having a phone late at night while a little intoxicated, is that you can't use it for dialing that number you shouldn't be dialing. So by being deprived of my means of communicating, it also prevented me from being just slightly silly at its best, and downright stupid and embarrassing at its worst. So my next phone maybe should be the one from LG which incorporates a breathalyser and "allows users to program the phone to prevent the dialing of specific numbers on certain nights and after a certain time."?

Everything's Lost?

What an extremely odd day this has been, with so many extraordinary things happening. But I'll jump to the very end of it.

I was out with a group of friends, drinking wine and beer and having a good time. We were chatting along as best as we could (the music is always too loud), but at one point it suddenly seemed that everybody got messages coming in on their phones, which everyone then "had" to reply to, and obviously we made a topic out of that. The need for phones, anti social behavior, and all that. I must admit I'm quite "attached" to my phone, and I always (more or less) carry it with me. It's not so much the phone in itself, but the content and the possibilities it holds.

I was just saying to Chris that I considered buying a new phone, but I sure needed a better excuse than that I didn't like the keys, and then I went off to the ladies room. When I came back I thought I'd check the phone for incoming messages (again) but found it was missing! I realized I'd been stupid enough to place it on the toilet paper holder while I washed my hands, and then distracted by the impatient woman on the outside jerking the door knob. As soon I understood what had happened I rushed to the "ladies" room, only to find the phone gone. I asked for it at the bar, no luck, and then I called my own number, only to find it turned off. (Hence "ladies", 'cause neither a real lady, nor a gentleman, steals from others.) Next was to call my provider to block the SIM-card, and after that - well, Good Night, Irene!

Sure, no one can use my phone and call Africa on my account, but that's not my problem. What about all my contacts? Phone numbers, and all those messages and pictures? I feel so extremely empty, and how pathetic it may sound, that content was "proof" of a reality I don't have. Now that it's gone, I feel lost.

The others tried to assure me that it was better if my phone, a dead thing, was lost, than if I had gone missing. I guess that's true. And also, if the only connection I have to certain people is an idle phone number or a faint image, then it's probably not worth that much anyway, is it? Maybe this was a wakeup call? When I get my new phone I'll soon see which people who'll still be in contact with me, 'cause the number will be the same. And the people who then are "lost", maybe they should be? I'm just afraid I'm not ready for it.

Or I could be in for a surprise...

How Do You Tackle Stress?

...was the question my 21-year old daughter got yesterday, while attending a job interview. Afterwards she felt she'd come up with all the wrong answers, and wasn't sure what they'd thought of her. But how do you answer a question like that, or any of those interview questions? Maybe it hasn't so much to do with what you answer as how?

But for me the question was relevant in itself, as I've been under tremendous stress lately. As mentioned I had to let go of the exams for this semester, and now that factor is gone at least. The good thing though is that I'm not feeling as a failure because of it, thanks to all my friends and other qualified people reassuring me. It is absolutely true, it doesn't change who I am, or my course, I just had to readjust my bearings a little.

The funny thing though, is that once I knew I didn't have a deadline to meet, my thinking started to work again. And now I have all these wonderful ideas in my head again. So what does this say about my ability to handle stress? Hopefully not all that much; I'm rather confident that the pressure a student feels is somewhat different from that working in the "real world". Of course that depends on type of job, for instance I know I would make a lousy chef. The cooking wouldn't be any problem, but doing it ultra fast while remembering how many extra potatoes the guest at table 3 wanted, and did he or did he not want that lemon wedge with his fish?

Of course you'll grow into your job; nervous and insecure at first, getting steadier and more reliable as you gain experience. That might be the problem with studying, it's easy to feel that you're always at something new, and hard to see what you've actually learned. And you always have to prove yourself at the end of the semester, in a very unnatural situation. Imagine an engineer being locked up in a room with a pen and paper with the assignment: "You'll better have the drawings for that bridge finished in the next couple of hours! And good luck, by the way!" Even my Java-exam was made on paper...

For once I can't seem to be able to wrap this up nicely, so I'll just finish this post rather abruptly. Have to go to bed, 'cause that's one of the things I really need to attend to. My sleeping habits. Or lack of them.

Good night, my friends, and see you soon.

Poor Thing...

Halfway To Total Failure

Posting to the blog is often done in stages, and the reasons for saving the posts instead of publishing them straight away varies. Some of them I'm just not satisfied with, other times I'm simply too much of a coward.

Yesterday I started on this one, just to let you know I'm a failure, as I didn't manage that assignment due tomorrow. But I wasn't at all pleased with it, so I didn't post it. Just as well, I think.

Still not pleased, but since yesterday I've got some valuable advice, which put this in another perpective.

I'm not a failure just because I fail an exam. Have to hold on to that thought...

Interpretation

I made a little search online, and there were several dream dictionaries available. If you approach this "serioulsy", you know that each symbol can't be interpreted as a single phenomenon, but has to be taken into the interpretation of the whole dream. And I have also learned that not only are the symbols in themselves significant, but maybe even more important are your own feelings and reactions towards the events of the dream.

Cut&Paste from various "Dream Dictionaries", with my own comments:

"Cello: Seeing or hearing a cello in your dream, represents sensual or creative achievements. You are exhibiting much strength and stability." This was from a preceding event in the dream. With me at the top of the stairs there was this aristochratic woman in a quartet, playing the cello.

"Castle: Seeing a castle in your dream means reward, honor, recognition, and praise for your achievements. It foretells that your future will be a happy one, surrounded by the love of your children, generosity of neighbors, and comfort of friends. You are destined to a position of power, wealth, and prestige. Dreaming that you live in a castle means your need for security and protection to the point where you may be isolating yourself from others." So what does it mean then, that I didn't see the castle? It was behind me, and I "knew" it wasn't mine?

"Carriage: To see horses pulling vehicles, denotes wealth with some incumbrance, and love will find obstacles."

"Driveway: Seeing or driving up to a driveway in your dream, symbolizes an end to your journey. It also represents security and rest. Alternatively, it indicates your path toward achieving inner peace finding your spirituality." Sounds good, but taking the emotions into account really does set in another perspective. It clearly wasn't me coming to that end. But boy I wish it was true; security, rest and inner peace.

"Curtains: Dreaming that you are shutting the curtains means secrecy and a repression of thoughts. You are concealing a personal matter or an aspect of yourself. On the other hand, to dream that you are opening the curtains indicates that you are ready to reveal something hidden." The curtains here were something I only observed, I neither shut nor opened any. But something's revealed, that's for sure. A clue might be ...

"The color yellow: Happiness or a positive outlook. To dream about golden yellow can mean you're feeling blessed. Yellow can also represent fear or cowardess." To me, in this case the latter meanings makes more sense. Fear of the unknown, the hidden?

"Garden: A formal garden may symbolize order or symmetry; following the rules."

"Dress: Seeing or wearing a dress in your dream, represents a feminine outlook or feminine perspective on a situation. You are freely expressing your femininity. Dreaming that you are wearing a white dress, suggests that you want to appear pure and angelic toward others." Again, it wasn't me wearing the dress. So it's a wish then?

"Weather: Dreaming about the weather means your emotional state of mind." This is where I get really puzzled. If the following symbolic interpretations are saying something about my mind, I'd be happy. But as I said yesterday, strongest feeling I had while dreaming, was that it wasn't mine. That wonderful day, with sunshine and warmth, didn't belong to me.

"Summer: Dreaming about summer, represents growth, knowledge and maturity. You are showing tolerance and expanding your realm of understanding."

"Sunshine: Dreaming of sunshine indicates that you are experiencing some sort of emotional or situational breakthrough. You are headed on the right track."

"Stairs: Dreaming that you are walking up a flight of stairs indicates that you are achieving a higher level of understanding. You are making progress into your spiritual/emotional/material journey. It also represents material and thoughts that are coming to the surface. Dreaming that you are walking down a flight of stairs, represents your repressed thoughts. It suggests that you are going into your unconscious. It also refers to setbacks that you will experience in your life."

Or could it be that I'm already at the top of the stairs, looking down, and not realizing that the castle is right behind me? I'll just have to turn around for reward, recognition, and praise for my achievements?

Freud would be proud of me...

The Castle

Dreamtime again. There are different schools regarding dream interpretations, and of course views differ whether dreams needs to be interpreted at all. But I think we can all agree, that dreams mean something to us, even if it's just a way of getting some "free" entertainment. Your personal cinema.

Obviously not all parts of a dream are equally clear to you memory, and I'm not sure if telling an incomplete dream is any good? But some say, that in itself is significant, that the parts you remember are the ones that are important to you for some reason. To the dream then:

I stood at the top of the stairs, overlooking the castle grounds. It was a beautiful day, and I mean it. Summertime. The temperature was perfect, it was like being soaked in water at body temperature. There was something timeless and infinite, yet very fragile over the moment. It was like pure happiness caught in a split second.

But it wasn't mine. From my view, with the castle in my back, I saw this horse drawn carriage coming up the driveway. The sides of the carriage were draped with yellow curtains, concealing the passengers. The carriage made a half circle and stopped just below the stairs, and a couple stepped down. There was the happiness. They were of noble birth, aristocratic, rich and beautiful. She wore a fantastic but simple dress which shimmered in the sunlight. I think the couple was on its way to a party of some kind at the castle. I knew I would never be a part of that, and that was the strongest feeling I had in the dream.

Then I dreamed I woke up, and I was intrigued by the vividness of the dream. It had been so clear, so crisp and detailed. Just like a movie. Strangely enough I started to reflect on the dream while I was still asleep. Amazing how you can get so tired from sleeping, but I guess it's my mind telling me I have issues I need to handle. Awake or not. Yellow curtains, what was that all about? I know some dream interpreters pay a lot of attention to colors, maybe I should ask one?

Through The Wall

There are six apartments in our row, and I live in the middle. (As much as there is a middle in an even number.) The flat to my right is empty, but in the one on the left lives a single dad. When his girls aren't there, he usually "shares" his music with me, but I can't complain, I guess he can hear sound coming through from my place as well. This morning he played some really crappy music though, and I was glad I was on my way out. But as I stood there in the bathroom (that's where the sound penetration is most obvious), I came to think about another time his music got my attention.

This was springtime 2006, and suddenly I heard something very familiar, although I was quite sure I hadn't heard it before. It was more the sound of the guitar and the characteristics of the rythm that were known to me. And I thought Pink Floyd, knewing it wasn't them.

But a few days later I learned that David Gilmour had released his third solo album "On an Island" on his sixtieth birthday, and that was what I'd listened to. Do I have a good ear or what? The walls are not that thin, and sound travelling through them, naturally gets a little mumbled and indistinct.

When thinking about this again today, the line "David Gilmour through the wall" popped up, and I thought I'd write a post about it. Only much later I realized the little twist in it.

...through The Wall...

Perspective

Everything runs in cycles, and so does my blog. I'm very aware of it, so often when I get an idea or something triggered me to write a certain post, I use the search function up in the left corner to see previous postings about the subject. I don't wanna repeat myself too much, although it's a natural thing. I'd like to think of it as growth and evolvement, rather than replication. Like the Sunflower coming up year after year is not the same, although the offspring is carrying the DNA from its parents. Weather conditions and fertilizers will effect the outcome, as will the quality of the seed itself.

So while reading through old and withered posts, I actually find myself a little surprised. "Did I actually write this?" I'm also almost ashamed to admit that some of it strikes me as not too bad actually. Another perspective is also that while I know what's behind a story, a reader might not. I'll give you an example.

I searched for "fix" and this post came up. (Funny enough it was exactly from a year ago, almost to the day. Talk about cycles.) Had I read something like this, I think I'd assume that the writer actually had some knowledge. Does this mean then that I know more than I realize, or that I shouldn't assume that other people know what they're talking about, even if it appears so? It might be good therapy then to read through my own posts and rediscover my own abilities.

As always I'm split between my own beliefs. Is it hope in seeing that it wasn't the end a year ago, as I felt it was, or does it simply prove that nothing lasts either it's good or bad? But maybe we just should accept that there's a natural rythm to life we neither can or should fight against? We can only learn from it, evaluate and select the best seeds, so that the next crop gets richer and more nutritious.

Some things are worth repeating, as having lunch with wonderful friends. In a couple of hours I'm off to meet Toril, since she's a working girl now we had to make it a dinner appointment instead. I don't mind at all. Still the same place, but maybe we'll can allow ourselves more than just the one glass since we're doing it later...

Stuffy Nose

My sinuses seem to be clogging up again, but hopefully it won't develop into such a nasty infection I had half a year ago. I say I usually don't get sick, but this year has been so full of ups and downs that I'm probably susceptible to a variety of illnesses. Then a "little" cold might not be the worst. But, I simply don't have time to be ill, although this time the only one suffering from my congested airways is me. Reading when your head feels like cotton wool is not easy. Writing isn't either, I realize now. Think I had something else on my mind and a point somewhere, but it slipped. So by for now, I'll be back when my mind starts to function again.

Body Control

This is a work of my talented daughter, modeled in clay.

Posted from my Sony Ericsson

The Cookie Monster

A long time ago we moved with our two small kids (2 and 4) to a very family friendly neighborhood. You know the type, where no cars are driving close to the houses, and the children are running all over the place? I remember one day, not long after we'd moved in, sitting outside talking a neighbor about this and that, when one of the girls from the area came in to the garden and asked if she could have a cookie. My neighbor discretely tried to stop me from giving the little girl anything, and she explained why after the kid had left. "You see, she was adopted from South America when she was 2, where she'd been brought up in a orphanage. From what I've heard there was little to eat, and they soon learned to steal whatever food they could find. So if you give her anything from here she'll always come back, begging for more. She's insatiable." said my neighbor.

There are many things we can be deprived of, but I guess the long term effect in any case can be that we're left with a revenous appetite like the Cookie Monster. Insatiable. And we really don't believe it's there when we finally get it, and therefore try to get as much as we can at once.

So I'm so sorry for stealing from the cookie jar. But don't worry, my thieving days are over. I'll ask next time.

The Poll

I'll let you in the results, and see if there are any surprises.

88% of you believed I walked the neighbor's dogs for money. No, did not do that. That's another gene I'm lacking - making money out of other people's predicaments. Or out of anything for that matter.

I did dance ballet, and 44 % of considered that as possible, although it might seem very unlikely today. However, I did play the violin, which only 22 % guessed. But it was almost not true, played only for half a year. (Remember my teacher calling my parents when I decided to quit; he wanted them to talk to me, to see if I would change my mind. Somehow he thought I had some talent with that thing.)

But doing my all my homework? On time? Hardly, I was lazy even then. (But I can see why 44 % of you thought I did, me being so meticulous about everything now.) The truth is though I didn't feel I needed to, 'cause I thought I knew it all anyway. Probably did, but it has left me with some serious side effects. Very poor study techniques.

I'm almost a little disappointed that so few (22 %) believed in me regarding the cross-country running. Only joking, that one is so obvious. I really do hate running, and have always done so. Even as a scrawny little kid. But I did come in second once though. (Guess how many took part in the run?)

And of course I was a girl-scout! 33 % of you agreed on that. Semper Parata!

But the last one, sucking my thumb? Why so many of you as 44 % believed I did that, I'm not sure I dare to think about. And my guess is also you have very different reasons for believing it, as well... But it is true.

Playing Games

"You're such a bad looser", one often say if someone gets really upset when losing a game. And when my daughter was little, we dreaded to start a game of Monopoly with her, simply because she threw tantrums if she didn't win, and then she was sulky and upset for hours. She probably got that from her father, he wasn't much fun to play with either. On the other hand, he excused himself, and I think he might have a point there, with him being so competitive.

I'm not a bad loser; of course I like to win, but if I lose I just don't seem to care that much. However, I'm starting to think that that not necessarily only is a good trait. Maybe a few more fighting bones in my body wouldn't hurt?

But it's not that I don't care about the game, on the contrary, I care a lot. You see, I don't mind losing, if everyone's just playing fair. What I do mind is cheating, and twisting and bending the rules. That really makes me upset. And now I think I'm just about to throw a tantrum too...

I played a game of cards the other day. Card games a tricky that way, as those 52 cards of the deck (joker excluded) can be used in so many ways. You can even play on your own, but this game though, wasn't a game of solitaire.

The cards were dealt, and I thought I knew which game we were playing. There are a zillion different games; there are gambling games, trick-taking games, rummy-style, shedding and accumulating games, fishing games and so on. And of course, there might be local family rules as well, just to make it even more complicated. But as I said, I thought I knew what we were doing, and placed my bets accordingly.

Disaster, and I lost bigtime. Really annoying, 'cause I might have played differently if I'd only read up on the rules. Damned dogs...

(Maybe Not So) Strange Things

My crappy old car won't let me drive that fast, but as I was going downhill I wasn't sure I'd stayed within the speed limit when I saw the officer stopping the car in front of me. Most days I wouldn't mind getting pulled over by a handsome man in uniform, but if all they want is my money - well, I think I'll pass. But the policeman just smiled and waved me aside. So it's going to be one of those days, I thought.

One of those days that seem to be filled with funny incidents and even stranger coincidences, and it began before my "meeting" with the road patrol. Actually, I think it started to move already last night when I went down to the laundry room to pick up the linen for my son's bed from the dryer.

We have a system that should work, had people only used their heads once in a while. You put your laundry in the washing machine and place the hamper on top, so that the next user can empty the machine into the hamper and then put it away. And same routine for the tumble dryer. Simple, right? Both these machines are automatic, in that they stop when when they're finished. The problems are worst with the dryers, as the electronic sensors for determing the humidity aren't that reliable. A load of bedlinen usually gets twirled and tangled up, into a big lump. Which obviously is NOT dry in the middle.

This is where people differ. When I open up a dryer to find a bundle like that, I untwirl it and put it back in the dryer. That's nice isn't it? No, not nice, just the right and decent thing to do. But other people (not all of course), see the stop-light and just empty machine regardless. That happened late last night, and I had a funny feeling I knew who it was. And we're 150 families up there, could be anyone... My hunch was confirmed, when I looked at the bag marked with her housenumber!

But what does this (rather lengthy and tedious) anecdote have to do with coincidences? Well, this morning I was still thinking about it when I sat in my car. I haven't seen her for weeks now, and I wondered if that might be good excuse for knocking on her door? Complaining about my son's wet bedlinen? Just as I turned around the corner she came the other way towards me...

When I then got to the university I bumped into a lady I know from last spring and a course we attended together. Shouldn't say know exactly, 'cause then I hardly spoke a word with any of the people in the class, since we spent so much time in practise. But now we started to talk, and quickly found out that a coffee and a chat wuld be a good idea. We swapped phone numbers, and I'm sure we'll have some very interesting conversations here on campus.

While we chatted outside there came a man walking by, who immediately got my attention. It's so strange, but I know him without knowing him, if you know what I mean? I think we went to the same class a couple of years ago, but I have never spoken a single word with him; I don't know his name or anything. But everytime we meet he greets me like he knows me, and I can't help but wonder if he confuses me with someone else, or what? But still, it's like seeing an old friend in a strange way. And I don't see him that often, maybe it has happened 6-7 times. It really doesn't matter, but it's just a reminder that you're not totally alone and that someone recognizes you.

These small incidents might seem very trivial and insignificant to you, but I can't wait for the next funny episode...

PS. Wonder about the picture? It's what you get for Googling "handsome+man+uniform"... Talking about handsome men in uniforms, it reminds me of another encounter I had with the long arm of the law. The time when almost I paid my ticket with a smile. A sunny day in June (ten years ago) I was pulled over by this patrol for speeding. There they were, wearing uniforms and sunglasses, casually striding their motorbikes. You get the picture. As I said, it was almost worth the fine...

This Or That?

Life is full of smaller and larger issues to decide upon, and we spend a lot of time trying to make our mind up. It could be those simple decisions about today's dinner, or which shirt to wear. But it could also be something with more far-reaching consequences, like which education to choose. The similarities though, are that it here seems to be a choice between more or less equal options. This or that, what do I like? And it could be solved with the eanie-meanie-minie-moe-method. Whether you're going for the striped shirt or the plain one, you're still wearing something.

But how to decide when it's a do or don't situation? An example: should I sell the car or not? The thought has struck me that I maybe should do that. I find the car to be quite an annoying part of my life; it costs a lot of money to maintain, the gas is awfully expensive and so is the insurance. Not to mention parking fees and turnpikes. But to find the answer I needed to approach the question from a different angle: What would the consequences be without the car? Then it wasn't much of a problem, and I still got the car. As it is now, I need the car more often than not.

So if you're having trouble making your mind up, why not reverse your original question? Realise that when saying yes to one thing, you're at the same time saying no to the opposite, according to the "Principle of bivalence". And then try to see if that's something you would be happy with?

But if you still made the "wrong" decision there's always relief in Festinger's cognitive dissonance theory which

states that contradicting cognitions serve as a driving force that compels the mind to acquire or invent new thoughts or beliefs, or to modify existing beliefs, so as to reduce the amount of dissonance (conflict) between cognitions.

In a way a scary thought, in that you might end up "happy and content" although you didn't go for the choice that would have been the best, just because your brain is wired that way - to protect you from "uncomfortable tension that may result from having two conflicting thoughts at the same time". Isn't it possible then, that this is a reason we're doing the same mistakes over and over again? 'Cause if you're fine with the wrong choice, there's no stopping you from doing it again. And as long as you're not aware of this cognitive dissonance theory and that you're basically fooled, you actually convince yourself and believe you made the right decision! Now, that's a thought...

Time for another decision: Should I go home now? Yes - it's Friday, and it's (almost) late, and I don't want to spend the evening here...

Keeping The Accounts

Why I said yes is a mystery, I can only guess it had something to do with me having trouble saying NO. But the fact remains - I'm still trying my best to keep the books for the basketball team, of which I'm a board member. This is the second year I'm at it, and all this time I've been working with this rather rough Excel spreadsheet, which I sort of inherited from the previous accountant.

Earlier this year we decided to invest in this Mamut Business Software in order to make things easier and more reliable for us. At least when it's up and running. 'Cause I had so much else to think about at the beginning of this year, that I really couldn't picture myself sitting down with a new program and interface and learn how to use it. So time passed and nothing happened. Until now in september, when the board once again brought up the question, and I said yes - why not? And promised to buy the program and redo the books.

And that's what I've been doing for a couple of days now. 454 vouchers has been entered, as well as this year's budget. "And I saw everything that I had made, and, behold, it was very good." I'm beginning to feel the satisfaction it is to accomplish things I have put off for too long.

And now - read! Something else I've been putting off for a while...

My Bags Are Packed...

...and I'm on the move! I'll leave early tomorrow morning with a suitcase filled with - books, a coffee mug and a packet of ground coffee! You see, I'm not moving very far, only to the university, where I'll hopefully be able to find the flow I need to fulfill my assignments. Really look forward to it, and I must admit I feel a little special and privileged.

But telling you this was actually not what I had in mind when I started to write, so in order to get to my initial thought I have to change the subject slightly. I was thinking about the "little things", and how rich life can be if we learn to see and appreciate them. And how exciting everything gets then!

I believe the world we live in today is so fast paced, action packed and over stimulated that it's sometimes hard to find that inner peace. People are in constant search of the biggest thrills, and we hurry through our lives, chasing the next adventure. But it could be hiding right under your very nose!

Watching the kids outside sweeping the autumn leaves in a big pile and then jump in it - could you get a nicer view from your window, while you're trapped behind the desk? And to see the mountains glimmer in reddish pink from the low light of the sun, and feel the crisp air in your nostrils - doesn't that put a smile on your face?

Back in the 19th century men were easily aroused just by a glimpse of a woman’s ankle, and I guess a woman blushed deeply only from thinking about him watching. Today we are bombarded with impressions which leaves little to the imagination, and it seems we need more and more to be stimulated. I'm afraid that we're getting numb and losing our sensuality, and that the ability to be delighted is being weakened.

But it is possible to take a step back and open your eyes, and be happy for what's there. I reckon though that people who have suffered distress either emotionally or financially (or both) are generally better at it - as "beggars can't be choosers"; but in any case, you have to want to see and feel the wonders.

Contrary to what some may think of me, I have often felt a bit cold and numb, but that's slowly changing now. I realize my problem has been the listening part, and if you think of any experience as a communication, it's so important to stay open and receptive. Just consider the concept of how a piece of art can "speak" to you!

Well, what do you know, am actually there again! (And that's good, 'cause I'm very tired, almost lost my train of thoughts, and I need to go to bed...) By "there" I mean where my inspiration for my bachelor assignment lies - and that's communication! And that will probably be the ground for my master as well. As it is the ground for everything...

I'm Slowly Caving In - I think

I've been told so many times now, that the only logical and sensible thing to do when I've finished my bachelor is to move on to the next step, which is taking a master degree as well. So far I have been very reluctant; I haven't been able to picture myself going through all that, thinking that it would be the thing that'll finally send me straight to the loony ward. But it might not be such a bad idea after all?

I said the other day at lunch with my lady friends (who all are ahead of me in the same field - one is just about to finish her master, one has finished hers and got a really good job, and the third is about to start on her doctoral) that I missed out when the ambitious genes and career drives were distributed. But maybe it's something else? Perhaps I do know what I want for my life? Is it only that I got more than my fair share of the "afraid-of-failure" gene?

(I think fear is what's controlling our lives,not that we walk around terrified all day, but the fear of not succeed, the fear of hurting other people, the fear of not be good enough, and so on, truly affects us in so many ways. Lars Fr. H. Svendsen has written a book about the subject, on larger scale of course, but still; fear controls our behavior. What are you afraid of?)

But what has changed now, regarding my studies? Hard to say, really, but maybe it has something to do with general insights about myself? Maybe it's just time to grow up and take responsibility? And respect all those people who actually think I'm quite capable? If they really do care, I'm sure they wouldn't be leading me into something they didn't think I could handle. And I also realize that I probably need at least a master degree to be taken seriously.

From next week I'll be trying a "new" lifestyle - leave home early (well, almost) in the morning, and sit the whole day at the university, reading and writing. Inspired by my fellow students in the "master's office", as I'm granted a space there. Seems like that's the way it should go, then...

Demining

I thought I'd pick up on yesterday's theme and introduce another metaphor/analogy for the human mind, which is sort of related to the previous. And obviously it came to me while I did what I so often do - reflect on my own behavior and reactions.

There was an image I came across, while browsing through the "My Picture" folder in search for something else, that for a moment made me both happy and tearful at the same time. In short, there was a wave of emotions that hit so hard I could feel it through my whole body. But I also noticed a change in me; had this happened a year ago, I'd probably let that wave carry me away to a place where I couldn't have stopped crying, all drenched in sorrow and sadness. The reaction now though was a little different.

I simply couldn't allow myself to be that hurt again, it just takes so much energy. And it's not very constructive. But I couldn't help but wonder if this was a sign that I was getting cold and disillusioned, or could it be healthy sign? Had I simply learned a new strategy? I saw that avoiding triggers like these was much like staying clear of land mines.

Imagine your mind as your country, where you're a citizen. Every letdown, every bad thing that ever happened to, lies buried just underneath the ground surface at the outskirts of your consciousness, ready to go off at any second. Anything that provokes a memory can activate the mechanisms and set off an explosion of turmoil and agonizing feelings, that inhibits you and keeps you from moving on. So how to navigate a safe path through this mental minefield? Or do we have to in the first place?

Why, I think we do. Keeping in line with the analogy, these mines are denying us access from certain areas, and acts like a barrier stopping us from be truly at peace in our minds. You see, there's freedom beyond that danger zone.

Decomp

Hola, and now a deep breath! I've probably just been diving a little too deep lately, and as you know there's then need for scheduled decompression stops while ascending to the surface. But I'd also like to dwell a little on that metaphor; diving that is. I think that when we speak about diving and going deep as an analogy for human mental activity, we often tend to associate that with something negative, like being depressed or feeling down. And something you're "dragged" into; something that's beyond your control.

Not necessarily.

First, if it's your decision, if you plan to dive, you'll need to be prepared. Safety is of the utmost importance when it comes to diving, for obvious reasons - you're coming up again! Depending on the motives for diving (recreational, commercial, military, rescue, scientific, technical, et.c) you're getting trained and equipped accordingly, but it's all about control. No matter if you're wreck diving, hunting for long lost treasures from Spanish galleons or if you're working as a North Sea oil diver, you'll have to have the acquired skill and expertise to accomplish your task. Even the "philosophical diver" I met a few years back, needed to keep track of time and his air supply. His favorite dive was to only descended about 15 meters, find a nice flat rock, lie on his back and watch the sun spread its rays through the water. He also grew his own marijuana which he used to smoke or bake into chocolate cakes, but I'm pretty sure he never combined the two; drugs and diving.

So when I say I've been diving, I think it has been a controlled dive, taking necessary precautions to reach the surface without getting the bends. And what a wonderful time that is to contemplate and reflect on life, all surrounded by vast waters and silence.

Yet Another Twisted & Distorted Perspective

Jazzy Night

Correction - Controlmode Is Off

They say the road is made while you're walking, and now I must say I really enjoy the walk, although I'm not sure where it's going. But I can see the direction, and I'm humble towards my "guides". I'll have confidence that the road is safe and I'm not that afraid anymore. And I'm finally getting to the state I've been picturing myself in for so long - a calmer me, who's breathing more relaxed.

Joy.

And there's plenty to share.

Me? Control Freak? Not Any More! Yeah Right...

For me writing is a necessity, and something I do for several reasons. It's a way of dealing with everyday life, and to air my, sometimes erratic, thoughts. This blog is a rather handy tool for that; I can publish whatever I want, and see what response I get, if any. What you might not be aware of is what happens behind the curtains? I usually read through my posts again, as I'm quite often think about what I've been writing and then suddenly get the idea that I've missed something, didn't explain myself properly or maybe offended someone. And if I then feel that something should or shouldn't be the way it is, I simply edit it. My blog, my writing and it's in my control.

Now, there's a keyword - control. I've become more and more aware that I really am a control freak, and that's something I'd like to work on. (No, I'm not changing, we agreed on that, I'd rather call it improvement.) There's so many ways to control, that I didn't quite understand that that was exactly what I was trying to do. But control also goes hand in hand with fear, and the fear of being vulnerable and hurt can make you do the strangest things. Like editing my own blog...

So, as a step in my own therapy program "becoming a better me" I did some writing again, but this time I put it on real paper, stuck it in an envelope and sent it away. No chance for seconds thoughts there, and it's beyond my control. Interesting feeling, I must say.

Just a few notes on changing vs. improving:

Think of yourself as a computer program, that's updated regularly to meet the publics expectations, and for optimum performance on many systems with different specifications. In other words - we don't want to change what the program is supposed to be doing, but we want it do it better, faster and more efficiently. Without any bugs that might cause a collapse in the system sooner or later.

Healing Hands

Earlier this summer Princess Märtha "came out of the closet" and said she believed in angels, talked to them for help and guidance, and that she now was starting a school so others could learn to do the same. The word around the community of people, who for long have been healers and believers of alternative methods of therapy, was that "Finally! Maybe this at last can be accepted as serious?". With someone as highly profiled and important as our Princess (even with the rest of her family supporting her), saying she was open and even very much involved in spirituality, it would make easier also for the "common man" to continue their work without getting ridiculed. And of course that more people would follow the ideas.

Well, my reasons for attending a course to learn the Angelos Method has nothing to do with Märtha's opinions. In fact, my first reaction was that now I didn't want to tell anyone was I was doing, like my interest in healing somehow was spurred on by a desire of somehow connect to the Royals? (You might have guessed that I'm not much in favor of monarchy, and sometimes I even think I'm maybe an anarchist, without adjectives, in the line of Voltairine de Cleyre? But that's a totally different issue...) But after this weekend I don't really care what people think of my "strange" activities, and any reasons I might have doing them. But just to set the record straight, I've been leaning towards this long before Märtha spoke out...

The point is; I'm still the skeptical, still the one wanting proof for any supernatural phenomena, and always having a critical voice within me asking "Is this possible?". But I've come to the conclusion for now, that it totally doesn't matter if angels are "real" or not, it doesn't matter if it's just placebo effect when you get better after a healing treatment, and it doesn't matter whether seeing someone's aura could be explained with the laws of physics. It doesn't matter at all, 'cause that's not important. For what's important are the results.

First; if it works, it works - why ask for explanations? I've also understood something else this weekend: When you truly understand the whole concept there's no need or desire to impose it on others, it'll spread naturally. But don't you agree - could there really be any harm in all people letting go of hostility, stop placing guilt and learning to take responsibility for their own feelings and actions? And (yeah, I know, it might sound sloppy...), live in love, peace and harmony?

Alzheimer Light?

When reading through the post from last night, I see that I somewhere on the way almost forgot the point. Not totally, but there was a very important aspect missing, and I feel that needs to be paid some attention.

You see, my friend asked me if I could help her out a little with that talk. Just listen to her, and read through the text with "fresh eyes". Possible inconsistencies are sometimes hard to see when your too close to your own work, and reading from a different angle I might be able to find them. (Which make me think, perhaps I should have a critic and a proof-reader...) Anyway, the plan was only to meet for a coffee and a "quick" look through the text, and then I'd go meet my youngest daughter at the bank by 4 pm, and then home. But the discussions around the subject was so immensely interesting, and we got so caught up that "time stopped". So after setting up that youth-account for my daughter, me and my friend sat down at a small Chinese restaurant, had dinner and talked, and then opened up her laptop to start work again.

And what happened yesterday is a good example of how spending time in the present, in a positive environment, and "think lovely wonderful thoughts" will "lift you up in the air". Metaphorically speaking, of course, three glasses of wine doesn't make me that dizzy. But the point is that before we met, we both were a little worried and troubled in our minds. She was naturally anxious about the talk, and was also quite fed up with whole thing, having spent long hours working on it. I have had a couple of lousy weeks, doubting most things, and perhaps myself the most.

We sat at the restaurant for about 5 hours, but it could have been 5 seconds or 5 years. When we finally entered the street again, it was like stepping into another world, and I felt JOY. Just for being, not dependent on any outer factors.

And that was the point.

Happy Thoughts

In the play/novel Peter Pan by J. M. Barrie, Peter is teaching the three Darling siblings, Wendy, John and Michael to fly, but as the narrator in the novel says: "Of course Peter had been trifling with them, for no one can fly unless the fairy dust has been blown on him." So, in the novel are the children actually flying by magic, and this is the way they're tricked:

"You just think lovely wonderful thoughts," Peter explained,
"and they lift you up in the air."

Real life is not like this, it's the other way round, and I try to live by it. Magic is not real, but "Happy thoughts" can make reality magical, and I think the last day's events are proof of that. Let me start with my friend's talk, which she's about to hold next month.

My friend is asked to talk about "Joy and positive thinking, and how that can contribute to bring out the best in people, and help us tackle every day's challenges." Or something like that. Yea, yea, we've heard it before, what's the news? Well, not much maybe, but that's why it's so brilliant. It's simplicity. And to be honest - even if most people know that it helps to be positive, not many really know how to achieve it, do they? It's like any other activity; just because I recognize a soccer ball it doesn't mean I can play the game.

The whole talk (and our fabulous day discussing it) is obviously too long to repeat here and now, but there's an essence which I'd like to point out. We might not be in charge of what life has to offer, but we can take control of our reactions to it. And another thing - how many times have you heard that it's important to live in the present? But do you know how to do that? That's where commitment to the moment comes in, and an openness and willing to experience the smallest detail.

Yesterday is gone, and tomorrow is not here yet, so what's left is today, and that's life! I can hear the more rational people, or at least what they are according to themselves, ring their warning bells: "You have to take responsibility, you have to plan for the future! You can't just live life as if there's no tomorrow!" Believe me, that's not what it's about. It's so demanding to be that attentive to the moment, that I don't think it's possible for a sane person to stay that way for a very long time. You soon start to worry about next day's meeting or what to wear for the party, but having time like that, when time stops, gives you such pleasure, that it'll last and spread to others.

And thinking positive - what is that exactly? For one is not saying yes to everything, as some might think. It's more in terms of omitting that nasty and negative word not. It seems like our brains have some difficulties in recognizing that word for what it is, and more pay attention to the object. The energy you put in not wanting ridiculous work hours, quarrels with your spouse or a pimple on your nose at the worst time, seems to go straight to exactly that, and you end up with the things you didn't want.

Positive thinking is visualizing your dreams and goals. Try picture yourself in a situation you would like to be. If your relationship isn't working, how would it look like if it was OK?

Anyway, this has slowly brought me back to the beginning of the day. Before that very engaging coffee date with my friend, which actually lasted through the whole day, with lunch, dinner, three glasses of wine and more coffee, I had made a little wish. Just a simple wish, nothing too demanding I think, but you could say it worked! (See last post under here. Got both a hug and a power tool...) Maybe it was just me, but that moment was very now, and that's all that matters at the end of the day, isn't it?

From Last Night's Post

I guess there's no real danger admitting what I want (read need?) right now, and that's a HUG! And a big one too...

I also want/need something far more prosaic, and that's a drilling machine! I'm about to put up a new shelf in the bathroom, and the walls are made of concrete. Now I kind of regret that I was "nice" and didn't take the power tools with me when I moved out.

Bound

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